Cannot Comprehend this Situation

[BinNightTonight]

Hi there.

My partner left me around 3 months ago, before this we had been together for around 4 years and had a baby, just under 12 months old. He walked out pretty out of the blue (actually, completely out of the blue), one morning he just left our home and didnt return. In the time he has been gone, he has seen our baby once. He missed his 1st birthday (didnt even contact me, send a card etc) and has shown absolutely no interest in our child (including during 2 hospital visits for croup) which i am absolutely devastated about. He is rarely in touch and when he is, he is cold and asks nothing of substance, other than for an "update." He knows nothing about our child anymore. I tried extremely hard for about 2 months, but I have now given up begging him to show our child any attention.

When we were together, he seemed to be an amazing father. Playful, caring and he had endless patience. They seemed to have such a close, beautiful bond, everyone commented on what a wonderful father he was, and I agreed. I do not understand how he could do this complete 180. The baby slept between us in bed every night, our entire life revolved around him (as it does) and he seemed just as happy as me. We did everything together as a family, the day before he left we went out to a family farm/restaurant and in the evening went birthday present shopping for our baby, so it was, and still is, a massive shock when he left.

It has since transpired that he is with someone new, a (young) colleague from work, he is already house hunting with her. I heavily presume there was an overlap but that doesnt really matter now. His work was hours away from where we live (he mostly worked from home, sometimes he went down for a night alone and sometimes we all went down for the week etc) and he is now living and flat hunting down there, 5 hours away from our child.

I cant comprehend it. There is a lot more to the story, he left me with a lot of debt i knew nothing about, and he has treated me absolutely terribly following the break up. He treats me with such disdain and has actually looked me in the eye and told me he hates me. I am genuinely baffled at how he could hate me, what I may have done wrong? I have hurt inside more than I can put into words, but I have always put our baby first and done every single thing for him since my ex left. I have not shouted at my ex, swore at him, called him names, threatened him etc, all things he has done to me, though he is the one who has caused this mess.

I dont know how to get over how little interest he has in our baby? I dont know how to process how involved, caring, loving he was, to this. It started when I was pregnant, he was absolutely amazing with me. When i had a long induction, he was by my side from 9am to 9pm every single day. When I gave birth, all I remember is him telling me to focus on pushing, not to make another sound, he was all i could hear and all i listened to. I am so heartbroken. He goes weeks and weeks without even contacting me to see how our baby is, doesnt ask to video call, doesnt ask for photos etc. The contact we have had, has all been instigated by me, which I have ceased doing, and I've barely heard from him. How do I accept this? It hurts so much. I thought i had found a good man to share my life with, to raise a child with, I really cannot comprehend how he cares so little?

You can’t control him - what he thinks or does. Takes time though

Please look into a debt relief order op

And I'd add about not wondering why anyone could do this, not just you, but anyone decent. So continue to see his behaviour as exceptionally horrific which it is, and then decide not to wonder why. Nothing should minimise how appalling he is, and its a difficult line to tread, but then let it go as suggested.
The emotional turmoil you are in leaps off the page, OP. I am so sorry, The shock must be terrible, as well as the betrayal and all the practical problems he has left you with.
As the debts were his or joint, can your solicitor advise? Perhaps she/he can get some of them back to your ex to deal with, it shouldn't all be down to you. Good luck. Your baby is lucky to have you.

Wow. So he has a pattern of this behaviour?

That is so calculating and vile, I am so sorry.

I hope that helps you to see that you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I’m glad you are seeking legal advice and I agree with everyone else that it’s best if you distance yourself as much as possible from this man. He is dangerous if he can keep up this level of manipulation and play-acting for so long. Possibly sociopathic?

The good thing though is that if this is his usual MO then it will all come crashing down around his ears at some point in time.

Hold your head up op. Be as ruthless and cold over him as he is being with you, Allow yourself an hour a day to give in and grieve for the future you thought you had, but don’t waste any more of your thoughts on this scumbag.

This is what I came on to say. The “why” sometimes has no explanation and all it will do is make you unwell with ruminating about it.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Look after yourself, sometimes we forget to do that.

He does have a pattern of behaviour. I contacted his ex fiancé the day after our child's birthday, as i hadnt heard from him and wanted to find some answers. She had to sell her engagement ring to pay for some of the debt. Her mum and friends had also lent him money (he owes my parents almost 2k too) Her name wasnt on all the bills like it was mine, so luckily for her she wasnt as screwed. It makes sense, as when we met he spun me a story as to why he was unable to get any credit etc (said he paid for his mums funeral to give her the best send off possible and during covid he lost his job and couldnt pay the loan back... His ex said he didnt pay for her funeral at all, in fact he was left a hefty sum of inheritance, which she hoped he'd use to pay off some of their debts, though he shoved it up his nose and used it to propose) It transpires that 95% of everything he told me has been a lie - I do trust his ex, she is lovely. He told me that his ex fiancé had cheated on him with a work colleague, turned out that he left her as he was the one cheating on her with a colleague, exactly what he has done to me now!

My old colleague (psychiatric nurse) is convinced he does have some sociopathic tendencies, since ive worked in MH all my life I don't want to pathologize... But I wouldnt be surprised either. There is obviously a lot more to the story.

My close friend thinks he is very dangerous, I personally find it difficult to marry up the two people? My head is having trouble connecting that this is all the same person.

Ive definitely taken a step back and not contacted him, I havent heard from him in 6 days, he just has no interest at all. But I am using that lack of interest in my favour in case he ever does try for contact. I actually found out that he was contacting nurseries where he lives 5 hours away from me, as though my 13 month old baby who has never been away from me would be staying 5 hours away! Thank you x

Thank you, this is good advice. It is so true, yet feels impossible at the same time, to be left with all of these questions and to not be able to understand and analyse the why. But you are totally right and I will give that a go x

Thank you. It is all such a lot. I feel I cant grieve for my relationship, the life i thought I would have, as there has just been so much to sort. Everyday ive reveived letters for new debts, i am terrified every time the post lady comes! It was getting to a point the baliffs would be turning up at my house and he was literally just ignoring it all, it seems. He is so sneaky, I couldnt even access my own council tax account without using his details first, they couldnt find it with just my name. And when i have spoken with United Utilities, they had my exs email address, phone number and he had downloaded the app on his phone, despite the water somehow being in my name! He knew what he was doing in my opinion, having done it before. My share of the bills, I paid on time every single month, it just makes me so angry.

Its so hard as ive been told different re the debts, but Step Change, who are dealing with me, have said I am liable for the joint debts as I am in the property now. He isnt contributing to the debts at all, i will be taking responsibility for them all. I have asked if we can call up jointly but of course nothing has happened. He clearly has lots of debts of his own, payday loans and all sorts, I truly hope it all catches up with him at some point, though he has now met this poor, unsuspecting woman in her mid 20s (i am 30, he is 33) and he will be milking her for all she is worth money wise, until he no longer can, they onto the next. I know he is using her car (he drove up in her car the one time he visited his child) It seems he has landed on his feet again, as I have had to give my car up. I have always had my own car and I think that's the thing that devastates me the most, that lack of independence.

Thank you x

I don’t understand how he was able to out some bills under your name without them checking your permission or ID? When my husband wanted to add me to our energy bills they contacted me and I had to confirm I wanted to be added.

Shocking that they’ll just let someone harm you financially to this degree. And why he made you quit your job just to leave the final month is baffling… that seems like a nasty little final kick.

Council tax was in our joint name (but to discuss when I called up I needed to give his name to access the joint account!) And water seems to be in my name only? I have no idea how, I didnt give permission for anything, they had all of his details and he had the app on his phone. My name wasn't on the enegery bills I presume, though I cant say for sure as he opted out of letters and they sent him emails only (I only found this out since weve been split up!)

Part of me does wonder if it was planned, he literally left the day of my final wage! I dont understand why he encouraged me to quit my job knowing the debts "we" were in. He led me to believe we were stable finance wise and his wage was enough to sustain the household. My mum had a private conversation with him saying please dont encourage her to quit her job, try and get her to keep that independence, but obviously he heavily encouraged me to hand my notice in and its all blown up in my face now unfortunately.

His behaviour has been so deliberately vindictive towards you OP that it beggars belief.

I see there is a personality disorder labelled Malignant Narcissism which could cover his behaviour. And there are other possible conditions.
One thing is for sure you have really been the victim of someone with a seriously anti social and malevolent personality.

Absolutely devastating what he has done to you, what he did to a lesser extent to his ex fiancé and what he will continue to do to every woman who has the misfortune to come across him.

I'm so sorry for the position he has left you in.

Thank you. I did actually work in mental health and do feel a lot of his behaviours do fit well with some sort of personality disorder (i agree with what you say) but ive always felt the term narcissism has been thrown around a lot when the more likely explanation is that someone is just a dick. But there is definitely something, isnt there? Its just too odd.

He has jumped from relationship to relationship, i have only spoken with one of his previous partners, but I imagine he's done similar to everyone else. He also lived with a male friend (no longer in contact) at one point and his friend was transferring him his half of the council tax, turns out my ex was pocketing the cash and wasn't paying the council tax. Baliffs ended up showing up at his friends house and he had to pay the money off in full (my ex got away with it again!) My ex has no family or friends, he is going to live a very lonely, bitter life!

Just feeling so lonely and confused. When does it get easier?