Is this acceptable ppl?

[lovenotwar149]

I have very little contact with my parents due to their abusive behaviours. They currently reside in a nearby care home. For a few months of being in the care home he wasn't abusive towards me , but he was in Aug. I havent seen him since. When I have visited , I wait in reception and someone brings my mum down to meet me. This is now proving problematic. My mum bangs on and on about making up with him etc and 'forgetting' about it etc etc She didnt show last time I visited and I left. That was 3 wks ago now and I have not made plans to return.
Last Friday , 3 days ago, it was my dad's 91st b-day. I found out y'day that my hubby messaged my mum and said to pass on his wishes to my dad. I am most upset by this. Most upset. What do ppl think?

When you say 'he' wasn't abusive towards you, who do you mean? Your husband or your father?

my father wasn't abusive when I started visiting him at the care home, then in Aug he reverted back to type

Why did your H go behind your back like this?. What was his thought process and why did he at all think it necessary to speak for you?. He is simply playing into their hands and his intentions are totally misguided. I'd be tearing him a new one!!!.

Are his family emotionally healthy?. This is perhaps also why he has done this because he has really no comprehension that parents could be abusive to their child and remain so to their now adult child, in this case you.

Sadly as you have seen your parents have not really changed at all and your father remained "nice" just long enough to hoover you back into his dysfunctional world. You need to stay well away from both parents and your mother simply continues to enable your dad. You may want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Does your DH message your mum a lot? Are they friendly? Because I would find it hard to message FIL and not pass on (completely fake) best wishes to his awful partner on her birthday.

If he is generally a great partner, I would be a bit wary of the impulse to 'punish' the closest person because you can't give consequences to your father.

I am so sorry. I know this is hard.

There was no need for Dh to do this but he did so for his own reasons, none of which are to do with you. What was he trying to achieve by doing this anyway?. Being in their good books?.

Thank you for replies.He said he felt rude not to message happy birthday

I believe him. He answered honestly when I asked if he had been in touch. Its weak behaviour on his part for sure , a weakness I cannot respect

Your DH is his own person and can do as he wishes.

he finds it difficult that I have taken this very firm stance with them and broken contact. He knows they are abusive but he thinks they are still your parents and they have done a lot for you etc etc

that is true , but b/c of the stance I have taken with MY family , I think he should follow MY lead here , that would feel v supportive

its not helping build connection between us , its doing the opposite

if someone ,anyone had in my hubby's opinion behaved very poorly towards him, I might have a different viewpoint , but I sure as HELL wouldn't be befriending them

I wouldn't be sending b-day wishes to them - outrageously disloyal imo

You obviously feel very strongly about it, so it doesn't matter how people on here feel.
Personally, I would feel upset too, but we can't control the actions of others, and I don't think it's worth falling out with your husband over it.

Can you give us a bit more history because it sounds a bit like dementia. How have they been abusive in the past etc is this all your life physically verbally. Sorry just trying to get a clear picture.

“A weakness I cannot respect”, “outrageously disloyal”?

I went no contact with my brother for 2 years. And he was abusive. If my DH texted my mum (for example) and wished him happy birthday I would be bemused, not outraged, and I wouldn't lose any respect for DH. And that makes me wonder.

There’s something I can’t put my finger on about your expectations for others.

A lot of people don't understand parental abuse. Either because their own parents were decent people. Or because they themselves grew up with abuse and think it's normal.

It took awhile for my H (then friend) to understand what was going on in my family. He was initially amazed at how upset I got about them, when they did what looked like minor things to him. Like my older sister swiping my favourite skirt and then arguing it was hers. Or my alcoholic father calling to bitch drunkenly about his latest girlfriend. In my sister's case, she had a long history of invasiveness and acting as though me and my possessions were hers. In my father's case, he had long tried to parentalise me and drag me into his endless carousel of women problems. This was a serial cheater who left my mother when she nearly died of a heart attack, after which he went on to marry 5 more times. I was 30, and fucking sick to my back teeth of their toxicity and all their drama and all the trouble they created for me.

I told H that if we were to stay friends, he didn't have to understand what was going on between me and my family, but he did have to respect that they were a major problem for me, and that if he couldnt be a support for me, he should stay completely out of it. I would not have tolerated him being friendly with them behind my back, if he had, I would have resolutely ditched him like I had ditched others who got sucked in by the charm of my sister and father. There was ZERO room in my life for people who would help my sister or father breach the boundaries I had built with them to keep me sane and safe.

Over time, their toxicity became inescapably plain to H, especially after we got together, and he now views my sister as an inordinately dangerous and criminally inclined person and my father as the most selfish destructive person he'd ever met.

Op, you need to set the same boundary with your H that I did with mine. He doesn't need to understand why you have problems with your parents, but he does have to respect that these problems are longstanding and painful for you, and that he has to stay out of them.

It is disloyal and cheap.

If your h finds it difficult that is his issue to deal with. Writing to them just plays into their hands and they think no more of him for doing so.

The “normal”rule book of familial relations goes out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families.

Erm tbh I think your hubby did the right thing. These parents are clearly in a care home for food reason. Currently we have a grandma who is so abusive and never been like her at all. She has just been diagnosed with dementia. She will go thru periods of being super nice to staff then horrible to visitors etc. we give grace because this is not and never was her. Sadly it's part of old age and maybe it will happen us one day and how would we feel if family turns there back on us when our brains actually failing us thru no fault of our own

I have no contact with my parents due to childhood abuse and would feel just as you do if my DH messaged them OP, it is a betrayal in these circumstances. As PP's have already pointed out the 'normal' rules don't apply when there's abuse/dysfunction in your family and that can be difficult for others to understand but doesn't mean your DH shouldn't support you. I agree completely that he doesn't need to understand, he just needs to respect your decisions and not go behind your back. Not sure where you go from here but I would feel my DH had let me down very badly in your shoes.

Your parents are in a care home.
Realistically they can not influence your life.
They can't get out to affect you at all.

Your DH wishing your father a Happy Birthday is just being polite. He's a normal respectful DH. It changes nothing.

Maybe write your mother a letter each week, if you want to contact her without hearing about your father.
Is your father demented?

Do you think your husband did this to upset you?
You know he comes with his own baggage, and maybe for him being rude, having rifts or whatever is very difficult for him to cope with.

It would seem a great pity to me that you and your husband would allow your father to still cause upset to you.

If on the other hand you know it is a deal breaker then you don’t need the permission of anyone here, just end it rather than holding it over him for months and years on end.

Has your father always being abusive? Or does it have to do with age?
If it started recently, I would forget about it, as it likely has to do with aging.
But if he has always being so, then stick to your guns. You deserve respect.

some really good points for me to ponder on , I thank you all for them very much so.
My parents have been abusive for as long as I can remember. Both have high narcissistic traits, and we grew up in a house of chronic domestic violence, directed at each other not their kids. I was both my mum and dad's confident from a very young age sadly.