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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this acceptable ppl?

59 replies

lovenotwar149 · 01/12/2025 14:33

I have very little contact with my parents due to their abusive behaviours. They currently reside in a nearby care home. For a few months of being in the care home he wasn't abusive towards me , but he was in Aug. I havent seen him since. When I have visited , I wait in reception and someone brings my mum down to meet me. This is now proving problematic. My mum bangs on and on about making up with him etc and 'forgetting' about it etc etc She didnt show last time I visited and I left. That was 3 wks ago now and I have not made plans to return.
Last Friday , 3 days ago, it was my dad's 91st b-day. I found out y'day that my hubby messaged my mum and said to pass on his wishes to my dad. I am most upset by this. Most upset. What do ppl think?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2025 19:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2025 18:44

You use emotive language and words that are all-or-nothing. Yes DH messed up and yes, it's not what you would have chosen. But in an otherwise good relationship with a good man, it seems like trauma response and that may not be good for you or fair to DH.

Show quote history

what are my all or nothing words pls?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2025 20:11

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2025 19:35

what are my all or nothing words pls?

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I'm on my phone so I can't cut and paste. And if you don't see it, my saying it won't help.

Auhdandme · 02/12/2025 20:17

Isamummy2021 · 01/12/2025 22:41

Can you give us a bit more history because it sounds a bit like dementia. How have they been abusive in the past etc is this all your life physically verbally. Sorry just trying to get a clear picture.

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It's irrelevant what sort of abuse the OP suffered from her dad and it doesn't sound like dementia at all. Knock it off excusing an abusive parent

Isamummy2021 · 04/12/2025 01:20

Auhdandme · 02/12/2025 20:17

It's irrelevant what sort of abuse the OP suffered from her dad and it doesn't sound like dementia at all. Knock it off excusing an abusive parent

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It wasn't clear I wasn't sure if it was dementia for the past few years not excusing just enquiring to get a picture. I think op has since clarified it sounds very toxic and as hard as it is I think I'd be keeping my distance for mine and families benefit and partner should support op

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2025 01:28

lovenotwar149 · 01/12/2025 18:55

I wouldn't be sending b-day wishes to them - outrageously disloyal imo

I get what you are saying and how you feel but he did what he thought was right at the time.

My opinion, which you are of course free to ignorem is that you are making too much of this. Your husband didn't do this to deliberate incense you, lovenotwar.

Let it go, live up to your name!

Your parents are a different matter, I don't know what went on. Were they verbally or physically abusive, did anybody else witness it, were they always like or just as they became old? They are now very old, can no longer touch your life.

Forgiveness is healing.

tragichero · 04/12/2025 01:48

I don't think your husband meant to hurt you, but it does sound like he isn't fully on board with your feelings towards your parents.

You've tried to explain it to him, and it sounds like he isn't quite getting it. Maybe the "respect your elders" thing is just too deeply ingrained in him.

In your situation I would:

  • Sit him down and calmly explain that you need him to follow YOUR lead in regards to YOUr parents.
  • Listen to what he has to say - consider whether compromise can be safe and possible for you. (Obviously not agreeing to any blatantly unsafe compromise, such as being obliged to spend time with your abusive father.)
  • if compromise isn't possible, it may regrettably be time to part.

But I would try other solutions first. Including a good couples counsellor, if you are both amenable and can afford it.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 04/12/2025 07:46

Thank you for further replies, appreciated.
He is a decent person in many ways , I wouldn't have stayed with him for this long if that wasn't the case. He has leaky boundaries and finds it difficult to say no b/c he then feels like a 'mean' person. In this example, 'actively' messaging my mum to pass on b-day wishes to my dad whoI haven't spoken to since Aug 20th due to his verbal abuse towards me in the care home, has crossed a line for me. I will take a new approach towards him now.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 04/12/2025 07:47

tragichero · 04/12/2025 01:48

I don't think your husband meant to hurt you, but it does sound like he isn't fully on board with your feelings towards your parents.

You've tried to explain it to him, and it sounds like he isn't quite getting it. Maybe the "respect your elders" thing is just too deeply ingrained in him.

In your situation I would:

  • Sit him down and calmly explain that you need him to follow YOUR lead in regards to YOUr parents.
  • Listen to what he has to say - consider whether compromise can be safe and possible for you. (Obviously not agreeing to any blatantly unsafe compromise, such as being obliged to spend time with your abusive father.)
  • if compromise isn't possible, it may regrettably be time to part.

But I would try other solutions first. Including a good couples counsellor, if you are both amenable and can afford it.

He would not go to see a couples councillor at all. If I brought that up he would say .....you're the only person who needs counselling

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 04/12/2025 07:49

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2025 01:28

I get what you are saying and how you feel but he did what he thought was right at the time.

My opinion, which you are of course free to ignorem is that you are making too much of this. Your husband didn't do this to deliberate incense you, lovenotwar.

Let it go, live up to your name!

Your parents are a different matter, I don't know what went on. Were they verbally or physically abusive, did anybody else witness it, were they always like or just as they became old? They are now very old, can no longer touch your life.

Forgiveness is healing.

Show quote history

Let it go and live up to your name - nice point! I am doing that. Letting go ...will happen in time for sure , but it would be foolish to forget.
I still love my parents , but from a distance now because of their abusive behaviours.

OP posts:
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