He mentions its my issue and its related to me

[Pippaandme]

Hello, I have been with my partner a while now, whenever we row it always appears to be around family, whether its his or mine.

I have a rather different relationship with my mum now, she did something last year that I didnt agree with and it was something she realised she messed up on and this upset me to the point of us not talking for a few months, she still hates herself for doing it and knew it was a wrong decision, as it nearly broke me and her for life, as I was contemplating never talking to her again, but it was myself who reached out to her to start again, as I knew she wouldnt.

My mum is very practical and helpful when she wants to be because in her eyes she has said I cant cope with things, she was a controlling mum with dad being very strict with his rules and regulations, my dad did well financially and gave my brother and myself a nice lifestyle yet with no emotional love, same as with my mum too. So it was always kind of not fake but surface level I always felt like something was missing.

Over the years, I have found myself getting more and more detached from them due to their negative thoughts on things, so I set up my own business, bought own house and have done well in many aspects of my life whilst being away from them.... It has made me a better person and more grounded too.

My parents have mentioned to me, that there are certain things I cant cope with and I am a very dramatic person and overly sensitive and anxious and they will tell my partner this since meeting him. Which I wished they hadnt said.

Whenever I mention this to my my partne, he says do you ever think it could be you who has the problem and issue and not them? I sit there and think really?

He thinks I have too high expectations of my mum and I need to address this. I said ok , but in my head Im thinking, this isnt right, its how I am feeling and I want to grow as a person not become negative with them.

In my head all i can hear is them putting me down about my emotional self which is not what i want to hear and when I challenge them, my mum tells me to not be overly dramatic and to stop creating a scene. Yet its ok for her to say certain things which are not allowed to be challenged.

I have noticed now I cant talk to my own partner about family or my mum without him saying I think its you with the issue.

Because he only see good things with my mum they have helped him out and i remember my mum saying to me in front of him, dont mess this relationship up as I know what you are like!

He admitted to me that he doesnt get at times where I am coming from (he is incredibly charming around her and she is with him too they all love him)..... so now I have resorted to not bringing this up with him or anything that I feel he wont get. He is great in other ways, but I am starting to see this more whenever we row, which leaves me crying/getting upset in the process.

I then think.... is it me? But what is now happening too is I am becoming more quieter around them all and not really being myself.

Not sure how to tackle this, he is now feeling bad for saying it as he has said this to me in the past and I keep being reminded which makes me think ok dont bring anything up about anything as it always escalates to the same issue, its me!
I now realise I cant challenge anything or address anything that upsets me as apparently its me who has the issue.

My partner is really close with his family, he has brothers, sisters, 2 kids, his mum he is close with too and loads of friends scattered all over the place. I dont have this relationship with my parents, - I have always missed this emotional happiness if that make sense and wished I had that more with my family - I dont ask for much, it has lead me to help others in a job that i love and work for myself too which has lead me to great happiness and filled this void in my life too.

However my partner reminds me that its not enough and says to me nothing is ever enough, which isnt true, I would just like to be emotionally understood and would love a partner who makes me feel this way too, I have this with my friends, we talk together and its fun too, so its just whenever he sees his family and his 2 kids it makes me realise I dont have this and I feel something in my life is deeply missing, hence I want to help others but is it now making me think I want someone else more understanding in a partner?

Maybe what I am seeking doesnt exist and that emotional bond I will never get with my partner too whenever I want to address something, as he treats me well otherwise its just emotionally we are so different, I also feel its a practical connection at times more so when we cant talk about things.

So I sit here more confused and alone and think ok. just get on with your day and Im sure you will feel better tomorrow!

Thank you for reading x

He isn't your partner..
Tbh he isn't even a friend..
Time to rethink your future imo.
He isn't the man for you.
I also had rubbish dp's. Haven't seen them for many years. But in no way ever would my dh put any blame on me.
Because he is a good egg.

I’m not entirely clear on what you’re asking, OP? You don’t get along with your parents, you and your mother had a serious disagreement last year, your mother thinks you’re incapable and melodramatic and you keep getting into rows with your partner because he asks whether you’re sure the issue isn’t yours rather than your parents’?

ETA What do you want to happen? Your parents to change? Your partner to take your side? No further contact with your parents?

He sounds quite mean.

He’s supposed to be on your team. Long term think if you want him.

short term don’t tell him stuff about your family that he’s going to use against you (my husband does the sane) vent to a journal, a therapist or a good friend

Thank you I think thats the solution is to find others to speak to and to work on as I clearly cant with my partner which is a shame, Im still thinking if he is the right person for me long term after this which you are right in what you are saying too!

For someone to be on my side, at the moment, its neither parties so Im just sitting here thinking what is best - Im sure I will find a solution!

Are you quite young, OP? You just still sound quite bound up emotionally with your parents, and as if you need emotional validation from them.

I mean, does it really matter that they think you’re incapable and overly-dramatic and over-sensitive? They’re entitled to their view, just as you’re entitled to think they’re wrong. I don’t recognise my mother’s version of me at all, but that’s fine. It doesn’t impact me, other than being mildly irritating when I realise she’s ‘typing’ me and my sisters according to who she thought we were in our teens (all now 40s and 50s).

And most people find a career and buy their own property in adulthood without input from their parents…?

I think sometimes we forget that families are different. It can be hard when youve been raised in one type of family and know you coukd have thrived in another. Creating our own families gives us some chance to do that.

From what you described of your parents, they seem like a certain type of parent. The type where everyone fulfils set roles but there is a lack of emotional intimacy between the parties. They provided a stable and consistent base and in some cultures, that is what parents are there to do. Doing that well is seen as being a good parent and setting up your child for the realities of the real world. As a society, we are moving away from that chain of thought, but not everyone agrees that has been wholly good, either.

It sounds like your partner is saying that you can't expect your parents to be different people than they are. It's reasonable to expect not be abused, or intentionally cruelly, but he is questioning whether it is reasonable to expect everyone to be exactly who you needed them to be. Even your parents, who are humans too.

Why are you with this person ?

It can be difficult for people with nice families to conceive that other families are not like that. However as your partner he should listen to you as the expert in this situation, not be putting you down in the same way

Has he sat you down at a neutral time and gone 'i love you, and because I love you I want to understand the situation better, can you talk to me about the incident today with your mum so I understand better where you are coming from, as i cant see the issue' or is he just tossing out stuff like 'i dont see what the big deal is'
Has he given specific examples of what expectations of yours he thinks are too high?
I have a tricky relationship with one of my parents and it must be hard for my partner to understand where im coming from sometimes, as other people probably just see a comment that they wouldn't be bothered by at all, but they im getting upset over it because there's a lifetime of bullshit and that comment just reminds me of how let down I feel in general. I do try and write some things off as me being oversensitive, just to give myself some brain space to be honest, but its hard.

But are you wanting him to be honest with you or are you just wanting him to take your side and agree with you no matter what?

Thank you so much for your reply and no he hasnt done this ie sat me down to address it, wish he would - he just says have you ever thought it was you, who is the issue, he just keeps saying this.
He believes that I have huge expectations of others and want them to be nicer, I give a lot to others but I dont ever pester or hound them or chase anyone if they arent nice in return, I have done a lot for my mum over the years and she never reaches out to me, so I think well maybe its time to just let this go and maybe it is just that!

You have hit the nail on the head its the let down/disappointment in the comments its hard to just let those go! - Thank you, appreciate your comment today. I completely get where you are coming from when we are sensitive too.

Because your partner has not had your experience, he finds it impossible to emote with you. I wasted so much of my life, wishing mother would change, longing for a loving parent child relationship. Like your partner most people could not see what she was like.

I was extremely lucky that my DH and my MiL could see through her. My life never really became happy until I married. It has not been an easy ride as the sort of childhood that you and I both had leaves scars.

I can’t offer a solution, other than to say that you can either accept that your partner will never change or part ways. I am not sure that parting ways is the answer, as people like my DH are a rare breed.

I’d be ditching him frankly as he does not understand nor has your back here.

You may also want to read If you had controlling parents by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Totally agree with this. He didn’t have your upbringing so doesn’t understand how it affects you. Until I met my husband, I was the only one who would back me and see the abuse for what it was. You need a cheerleader of your own, not someone who will knock you and make you question your reality.

Its so tough isnt it. Death by a thousand cuts.
Thats disappointing - have you ever had like, a sit down conversation with him about it, the history, really getting into how you feel, or is it just you dealing with things as they come along? Might be worth a go, although to be honest I would struggle to feel loved by a partner who hadnt cared to initiate that conversation with me before now to be honest... I've had partners like this before where its almost like, we get on but they dont want to know much about my inner feelings unless its in relation to them. Makes me feel like a 'role' in someone's life, role of partner, as opposed to them choosing me as a person.

Thank you, you are so right there, its true he doesnt get any of it or can relate to it as he hasnt had this relationship with his mum like we have. I really hope my partner can see through my mum soon he has in parts and asks why she doesnt reach out or contract but only does when i do initially first of all. Which frustrates me. I think what worries me unlike your marriage ,is Im wondering if my partner is good for me or if we are too different for me to accept him how he is. Yours sounds lovely! :)

The solution is to get rid of a man who doesn't have your back.
Work on your self esteem and enjoy your life. Don't settle for less than you deserve..

It really is, death indeed by a thousand cuts!
I tried to have this so called conversation with him a long time ago and he said have you asked your mum about it, which lead to the drama etc, but then I was hit with, have you ever thought it was you comment again! It is that inner emotion I am craving, Im starting to think is that such a bad thing to want to crave it and need it, Im just not one to keep things on the surface like I feel with my partner now. I just read your last message and such an important message and has made me think a few things. So thank you

Thank you this is what I needed to hear and so true as well!

Your partner should be on your side instead of sucking up to your mum who sounds emotionally neglectful at the very least.

He sounds pretty disloyal to me. You deserve better parents and a better partner.

Have you considered that due to your upbringing, you have subconsciously chosen a partner that replicates the dynamic with your parents? We often choose in partners and friends what we unconsciously feel comfortable with, even if it's horrid. Our systems go "oh I know where I am with this". Eg. Your parents are cold, critical, no emotional bond, and you've somehow ended up with a partner that has similar qualities.
You deserve a partner that has your back and thinks you're great!
I'm not criticising at all, it was something I found I was doing myself (also ended up in helping professions!).
Wishing you well.

oh my goodness now that you have put it like this, yes absolutely as he represents my dad in many ways now that I look at it in this way too, so yes, interesting, also its nice to read you have fallen into the same line of work I guess it makes us feel healed and needed!

You’ve had really thoughtful responses and hope my slightly different take will add to those.

For me it was my father who felt I was lacking in emotional strength. Too sensitive, gave up too easily (the only time I’ve heard the word capitulate in conversation), lacked confidence. How the fuck was saying that without any suggestions for change supposed to do anything other than make me less confident?

I think I might be older than you but I’m rather embarrassed that it’s only recently I’ve realised that yes, in some ways what he said was true, but a) looking back he was the same in many ways and b) those “flaws” he kept reminding me of weren’t all bad and didn’t make me a useless person. Finally, recently, c) that was just his opinion. I’m now no longer sure his opinion of me was more valuable than my own.

These things you are told you can’t cope with, even if true, haven’t held you back from having a successful life, a life a lot of parents would be proud to see their child living. What really is their problem with who you are? And it is their problem. Say that over and over.

It is hard to shift feelings that were instilled in childhood. It is hard to acknowledge that our parents were and are still not the parents we needed. Why didn’t they teach you the coping strategies they criticise you for not having? Ask them. Ask them why they aren’t satisfied with who you are and what you’ve accomplished despite not entirely fitting the template they constructed for you. I doubt they will cope well with that.

But I hope you will be able to come to terms with who they are and take pride in who you are despite them. And, for me, accepting my father was flawed rather than malicious made that much easier.

You husband’s response to your feelings really ticks me off. He seems very shallow and seems to want you to shoulder a burden that isn’t yours so that life might be pleasanter for him. So that he can enjoy his relationship with your parents without your feelings complicating that. It shouldn’t be that way. It seems disloyal to me.

But maybe if you can work out a way of handling your relationship with your parents so it causes you less pain, then you will no longer have the added hurt of his lack of understanding and support. To be honest I don’t think I would be able to forget that. It would taint the relationship for me. But at least you know where you stand.