He mentions its my issue and its related to me

[Pippaandme]

Hello, I have been with my partner a while now, whenever we row it always appears to be around family, whether its his or mine.

I have a rather different relationship with my mum now, she did something last year that I didnt agree with and it was something she realised she messed up on and this upset me to the point of us not talking for a few months, she still hates herself for doing it and knew it was a wrong decision, as it nearly broke me and her for life, as I was contemplating never talking to her again, but it was myself who reached out to her to start again, as I knew she wouldnt.

My mum is very practical and helpful when she wants to be because in her eyes she has said I cant cope with things, she was a controlling mum with dad being very strict with his rules and regulations, my dad did well financially and gave my brother and myself a nice lifestyle yet with no emotional love, same as with my mum too. So it was always kind of not fake but surface level I always felt like something was missing.

Over the years, I have found myself getting more and more detached from them due to their negative thoughts on things, so I set up my own business, bought own house and have done well in many aspects of my life whilst being away from them.... It has made me a better person and more grounded too.

My parents have mentioned to me, that there are certain things I cant cope with and I am a very dramatic person and overly sensitive and anxious and they will tell my partner this since meeting him. Which I wished they hadnt said.

Whenever I mention this to my my partne, he says do you ever think it could be you who has the problem and issue and not them? I sit there and think really?

He thinks I have too high expectations of my mum and I need to address this. I said ok , but in my head Im thinking, this isnt right, its how I am feeling and I want to grow as a person not become negative with them.

In my head all i can hear is them putting me down about my emotional self which is not what i want to hear and when I challenge them, my mum tells me to not be overly dramatic and to stop creating a scene. Yet its ok for her to say certain things which are not allowed to be challenged.

I have noticed now I cant talk to my own partner about family or my mum without him saying I think its you with the issue.

Because he only see good things with my mum they have helped him out and i remember my mum saying to me in front of him, dont mess this relationship up as I know what you are like!

He admitted to me that he doesnt get at times where I am coming from (he is incredibly charming around her and she is with him too they all love him)..... so now I have resorted to not bringing this up with him or anything that I feel he wont get. He is great in other ways, but I am starting to see this more whenever we row, which leaves me crying/getting upset in the process.

I then think.... is it me? But what is now happening too is I am becoming more quieter around them all and not really being myself.

Not sure how to tackle this, he is now feeling bad for saying it as he has said this to me in the past and I keep being reminded which makes me think ok dont bring anything up about anything as it always escalates to the same issue, its me!
I now realise I cant challenge anything or address anything that upsets me as apparently its me who has the issue.

My partner is really close with his family, he has brothers, sisters, 2 kids, his mum he is close with too and loads of friends scattered all over the place. I dont have this relationship with my parents, - I have always missed this emotional happiness if that make sense and wished I had that more with my family - I dont ask for much, it has lead me to help others in a job that i love and work for myself too which has lead me to great happiness and filled this void in my life too.

However my partner reminds me that its not enough and says to me nothing is ever enough, which isnt true, I would just like to be emotionally understood and would love a partner who makes me feel this way too, I have this with my friends, we talk together and its fun too, so its just whenever he sees his family and his 2 kids it makes me realise I dont have this and I feel something in my life is deeply missing, hence I want to help others but is it now making me think I want someone else more understanding in a partner?

Maybe what I am seeking doesnt exist and that emotional bond I will never get with my partner too whenever I want to address something, as he treats me well otherwise its just emotionally we are so different, I also feel its a practical connection at times more so when we cant talk about things.

So I sit here more confused and alone and think ok. just get on with your day and Im sure you will feel better tomorrow!

Thank you for reading x

You are seeking an honest emotionally intimate connection - someone who will listen to and validate you as well as making you feel respected and emotionally safe even if they disagree with some things. Someone who chooses you and understands your inner self. Someone who you feel you can open up to and not be judged.

Your parents couldn’t do that and it seems neither can your partner. He’s not the one for you if you are making yourself smaller and quieter and feel yourself shrinking.

Thank you for this message, it really makes sense, really appreciate everyone's input and this one just as much too.

I know the part about my partner as kind of hit home for me today in a very different way strangely, more than my parents as he doesnt have my back at all in fact if anything he only see it how they are with him nothing more, nothing else and he isnt really interested or understanding of how I feel on anything really or more like he doesnt want to understand or relate on a deeper level. I think this has been a huge wake up call for me.

You are right its the coping strategies I never had as mum controlled and cocooned me in the house to make me not cope and kept on installing that to me or dropping those comments, so I truly ended up believing it in the end. Dad was just following along in her footsteps being the same negative and laughing impact he was.

I dont think I can forget it if Im honest, thats my concern after what he has said to me today again! What you have said is really good thank you, sorry to hear about your dad too, completely resonates and it does always stay with us in every way possible. When all we want is emotional support and understanding.
thank you :)

I would be worried that if he can't even be on your side for this small stuff (or even be nice about it)- how is he going to be on the big things if the relationship progresses to marriage and children?

I fear you are repeating patterns of learned behaviour because he sounds like someone who thinks the same way as your parents (enough that they think a lot of him)

You have done so well to break away, I am worried that the familiarity of this dynamic will drag you back to thinking and feeling as you have before and undo all the great hard work you have done to establish yourself.

Is he saying your parents are perfect people or is he advising you to stop expecting them to change? The two are very different things.

There comes a point in life when you need to accept that your parents are flawed. Some parents are very flawed. You can’t make them better people. You can’t change them. You can accept the relationship on offer or walk away.

Sometimes the best approach is to set firm boundaries and have a distant relationship. Seek your connection and fulfillment elsewhere in life.

@Pippaandme try and figure out what emotional attachment style you have. Then, define and strengthen your boundaries.
You may come to the realisation that your partner is not the type of partner for you.

You have done very well in life regardless how your parents were/are.

Parent yourself differently and heal that inner child.

Thank you, thats a good way of looking at it, I think this has definitely made me become more aware of myself and the boundaries I will be putting in with my partner too after today's comments. thank you too, re my life, I have worked hard in this last year and hope to continue to, even if it means being more alone in my own thoughts, at least I have peace when alone.

Maybe you subconsciously ended up with this partner because the dynamic in your relationship is mirroring what you grew up with.

Might I suggest you go and see a counsellor to talk about your childhood. I wouldn't even mention to your partner that you are doing this.

Thank you I think i will do! I was thinking I need to address this more and maybe I do as I feel whatever he is doing its making me more nervous and more on edge which isnt what I want to feel anymore.

The trouble is that the OP's parents have manipulated her DP into believing that the OP is the problem.

yes this is true! re my mum and dad saying this to my partner

You can’t possibly know that. I mean, most adults’ partners don’t have that much contact with their significant other’s parents, far less to the pointing of taking their side against their partner in some long-running dispute. Also, it’s pretty unusual that the OP still seems so bound up with what her parents think of her. I’ve been with DH for decades and I don’t think I’ve ever required him to take sides with me against my parents. Who have some deeply did ideas about me, but I’m an adult. What they think of me is fundamentally irrelevant to me now.

Which is why I’m asking whether the OP is very young, as she still seems quite psychologically involved with them, as if she hadn’t mentally moved out. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship with either her partner or her parents, and as if therapy would be a good idea, whether or not she chooses to stay in her relationship.

My partner does in fact spend a lot of time with my dad due to rugby events and also football with his son and my dad taking them, this was at one point every other saturday and my dad and my partner would meet for a pint or my partner would help my dad as he always wanted help around the house, then my partner would go over to the house and help him to which he mentions lots of things to him.
I dont think it matters what age you are, this is about how parents are still saying things to your partner which is just downright not nice or irrelevant and its like they are making him aware of something for him to think all sorts which he then did in fact state afterwards and says your parents said this, your dad said that etc, so he can use it against me whenever I feel a certain way. I feel its more about my partner here being on my side so he works with me not make me feel worse!

The trouble is also that DP WANTS to think this shit about his partner. Likely because he's the POS type who needs a woman he can beat down, so that he feels superior.

This type chooses women like OP, who is damaged by her controlling and dismissive shit parents, who have left her with little self-confidence and feeling uncertain, anxious, and confused.

Rather than see that OP is a lovely human being who deserves to be loved for herself, to be accepted, and to be supported to be her real self, he relishes the beat-down she constantly gets from her parents and has willingly allowed her parents to weaponise him against their daughter. He loves putting in the boot for them. It pleases him to look down on her and help keep her cut down and unable to grow.

OP, your family of origin is dysfunctional and toxic. I'm glad you want to see a therapist. I also suggest that you read some books on toxic family systems and parental narcissism, such as "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward: you will see that your mother is the Controller and your father is an enabler, and that they are dysfunctional humans and parents who have raised you in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) because they want to stay top dog by crushing their kids' spirit. Either because they were taught to be like this by THEIR parents, or because they're mean.

Their narrative about you - that you are a "dramatic person and overly sensitive and anxious" - honestly says a LOT more about THEM than about you. When I hear "dramatic", I see emotional invalidation. When I hear "overly sensitive", I see blame shifting. When I hear "anxious", I see gaslighting.

That shitty narrative - that you're dramatic etc - that's NOT you, OP. Therapy will help you see this, and to learn who you really are, and how powerful and beautiful you really are.

But your partner only knows your parents because of you. If you have a deeply problematic relationship with your parents, how is it your partner is on such cosy terms with your father?

He doesn’t get you and he doesn’t want to get you.

It sounds like he uses your family situation like a stick to beat you with.

Your mum sounds very disloyal to you and he obviously likes preening his feathers when she’s around.

I think you need to find someone who is kind and understands you, and it’s not him I’m afraid.

They arent cosy at all. - they just go to football with my partners' son and he helps my dad around the house, thats about it!

I think it’s a lot of contact for the relationship you describe. For contrast, DH and I live close to both sets of parents and get on perfectly well, but I don’t think we’d ever spend time with the other person’s parents without them present, or almost never, other than an occasional lift or dropping something off.

You describe a problematic, volatile relationship between you and your parents. How then is it that your partner seems to have got so close to them, as it clearly bothers you?

I dont need to explain myself to you as you keep on asking so many questions around this, others have been more than helpful and understanding.

Well the OP has agreed with me that this is what's happening, and her DP has been influenced by them.

You've probably not ever spent much time on the Stately Homes threads if you think it odd that the OP is still psychologically involved with them. It is very common for that to happen when you have toxic parents.

Sack them all off ,just trying to knock u

You definitely need to discover the "Let Them" book/podcast.