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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you forgive this?

69 replies

TurkeyLurkeyChickenLicken · 30/11/2025 18:13

Argument with DH (over something minor) and he leaves. Disappears for 48 hours with zero contact, i had been blocked so unable to contact him although he now says I should have emailed He says he found my wedding ring on the side when he came back so took that to mean our marriage was over.

A week later he tells me that during that time he spent an entire day getting drunk in the pub to drown his sorrows and then ended up kissing another woman. He says he didn't have sex with her and I believe that.

OP posts:

moose17 · 01/12/2025 09:23

He started an argument over nothing on purpose so he could go see the OW. He telling you a lot of bull. If I was you I be taking a good on his phone/laptop.

Original poster

TurkeyLurkeyChickenLicken · 01/12/2025 10:11

GreyCarpet · 01/12/2025 07:47

I'm guessing the petty argument over nothing was one he started? Maybe you couldn't quite see why it was turning into an argument? Were a bit baffled by the whole thing?

I find the assumption that every man is cheating or intending to cheat quite tiresome at times on here but this is too easy. Whether it was a woman he already knew or someone he had just picked up in a pub, if my partner behaved like this, I'd assume I was only getting part of the story. And, yes, it would be over because it's not the way I wanted to be treated in a relationship.

People always say that it's easy to say leave but it's harder when it's you so I'll caveat this by saying that I discovered my husband had signed up to a no strings sex site and I ended the marriage on the same day. No evidence he'd even spoken to or met up with anyone. For me, that was enough. I didn't even ask if he had because that was irrelevant- the intent was there.

It transpired that he was actually having an affair with a woman from work. He was also someone no one would have expected it from - rarely went out, was always at home or at work. The thought of another woman had never even crossed my mind. It was the one thing I thought he was completely trustworthy about. And I'm not a blind faith type of person! I was well aware of his other flaws but cheating? No. And yet, yes.

I honestly can't remember what the argument was about but it was something patheticas it always is. I can't remember who caused it either (this happened a couple of weeks ago now) but it was likely both of us.

He has happily let me check his phone, I haven't checked his laptop but not sure what I would find that isn't on his phone tbh. No signs of any OW. I do believe he was drunk as he showed me all the transactions from the pub and I could see he was only buying drinks for himself.

He says she just kissed him out of nowhere (which is the part I don't believe) after he had returned her phone to her. He says he allowed it for a couple of minutes and then stopped. She asked to have sex with him and apparently he said no and they went their separate ways. When he told me he overplayed it, said he almost fucked someone else but didn't and then said was just a kiss and he can't remember much of it as he was drunk. He says he has given me all of the details so I can't really ask him any more questions about it, he doesn't understand why I would want to know things that would upset me.

OP posts:

NebulousSadTimes · 01/12/2025 10:24

Details don't really matter now @TurkeyLurkeyChickenLicken , there's little point in wondering about him, what he says and finding proof; start thinking of you and what you want out of your life. Listen to your doubts, the ones that had you posting here, they are trying to tell you something

surprisebaby12 · 01/12/2025 10:36

He spent those two days at a woman’s house, I’d put money on it

Milosc · 02/12/2025 02:37

Oh OP, really? Don't you think you deserve better than this? You do.

CamillaMcCauley · 02/12/2025 03:06

Storming off for days after an argument, blocking, kissing another woman, dictating that you have to get over it and move on… He doesn’t sound mature enough to have a phone let alone a wife.

I wouldn’t find this forgivable, no.

Bungle2168 · 02/12/2025 06:06

What a shitshow.

JustMe2026 · 02/12/2025 06:12

If you really can't take your blinkers off and see the holes in his stories your nuts yourself..Found a woman's phone, returned it and they end up kissing cmon wakey wakey oh and just to clarify this is not how one acts with mental health problems either or when drunk. My hubby had them in the past and yes self destruct but nothing like this...Your nuts to stay what over reactions and I'm sure he enjoyed the hotel with whoever or even just booked it doesn't mean he stayed there or alone cmon wake up give yourself some value

Financial · 02/12/2025 07:03

Kidsgotothatschool · 01/12/2025 06:55

It’s very VERY hard to knock off your own rose tinted glasses when it comes to your husband/partner. His current unfaithful behaviour clearly contradicts everything @TurkeyLurkeyChickenLicken knows about her husband so she’s struggling to square the hole. I’ve been there, I remember believing the kissing story. I knew my husband was quiet, kind, selfless, a little shy, so kissing I could believe. But no, the truth was much much worse than that. Feel stupid admitting it now.

Show quote history

I agree.
You just can’t believe it, even when it’s staring you right in the face.

Icecreamisthebest · 02/12/2025 07:13

I don’t believe his story at all. It doesn’t seem
ligicsl to be that someone who thinks it is ok to storm off, be out of contact for 48 hours then comes back and tells you exactly what he did during that time.

And you say he’s escalating. I’m expecting that next time he will come back and say he had sex with someone because you have accepted all his stories to date.

This must be horrible for you. It’s not healthy at all. It must ge equally horrible for your DC. And stressful. I could not live like this. I would be getting my ducks in a row. But I’d also be clever about it. And pull the pin the next time he does this when his guilt levels are highest.

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2025 07:40

I don’t believe his story at all. It doesn’t seem ligicsl to be that someone who thinks it is ok to storm off, be out of contact for 48 hours then comes back and tells you exactly what he did during that time.

Or that he would have no qualms in going AWOL for 48 hours and blockng the OP for that duration but his loyalty to the OP/personal moral compass is such that it would draw the line at having sex with a woman he admitted to kissing and who he said was clear about wanting sex with him.

This sounds more like he's worried about someone else saying something to you, OP,, and so has decided to get in first with a watered down version.

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2025 07:41

Men who behave like this aren't the sort to turn down sex when it's offered by someone else.

LadyGAgain · 02/12/2025 07:47

Look up conflict avoidance and the impact that can have on mental health and the health of your relationship.
Also people who have affairs can happily hand over their phone as they’re using encrypted apps like telegram.
People are very quick to say LTB. A long term relationship isn’t always that simple. Start with some research but then he has to put in the work to ensure this behaviour never ever happens again.

Original poster

TurkeyLurkeyChickenLicken · 07/12/2025 10:33

So...

Getting my ducks in a row. What is the priority and what are the essentials that I need?

DH and I have a joint mortgage. He earns about 50% more than I do too. We both work full time, him from home. DC would want to stay with me for sure.

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 07/12/2025 12:29

Make sure that you have evidence of your responsibility as mum- the school runs, parents’ evenings, GP appointments. If he works from home, he may claim he should be main resident parent.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 07/12/2025 12:30

Evidence of his earnings, for CMS.

PInkyStarfish · 07/12/2025 12:31

No, I would not be with someone so immature, petulant and spiteful.

caringcarer · 07/12/2025 12:37

He sounds like an absolute child sulking and blocking you so you stay home worried sick. I couldn't put up with it. The marriage can't be good if you say he has pulled this stunt before.

VoltaireMittyDream · 07/12/2025 13:02

Even assuming this all went down exactly as he says, imagine you saw you were a fly on the wall in the pub your DH absconded to.

Sad middle aged man wanders in, all by himself, face like a slapped arse. Orders drink after drink, completely on his own. Ends up snogging some random pissed woman.

What would you think if you saw this from the outside?

Do you want to be the wife waiting at home for this man?

You're worth more than this, OP.

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