Struggling after ghosting, might need a taking too

[themoirarosee]

Basically the thread title really. I met someone in August, we met on hinge have all the same hobbies and interests. Play the same sports, same sense of humour etc. Spoke for a week met up and went on a wonderful date, the rest is history. I fell for him quite quickly. Which yes I know is silly after only four months. We were just so well matched and I really thought after an abusive marriage I ended in 2021. That I’d finally found a good one. I can only describe it’s as feeling the sun in my face after a very long time of being in the dark. Now I’m back in the dark again.

Two weeks ago I set a boundary, I politely and kindly asked for less ex-wife slating on our dates. And that I was always on his side and supported him implicitly. It was just making me feel a little invisible and insecure. So I asked him to cap it at 30 mins then we could go back to it being about us.

His response to this was to ghost me, no blocking or deleting of me. He just left me on read, never turned up for our date and hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been 16 days.

I’m unfortunately really struggling, lots of feeling worthless and lonely. Confused and incredibly sad. I’ve not really been eating and had to go home from work a few times. I miss him a lot and just don’t understand why he’s doing this? It’s been made worse by a friend spotting him on hinge again. His last active status is on so he’s been active on there recently. So I guess that’s that then isn’t it?

Anyone else been in this strange position? I’m not sure what to do with myself.

Given the ‘ex-slating’ it sounds like there were red flags that you chose to overlook. If this is his reaction to you setting a boundary, you had a lucky escape.

Completely agree. Slating hid ex to the point you had to tell him to curb it is a huge red flag. And his reaction to a very reasonable request is pathetic and shows you his true colours.

Irs very easy to put on an act of being Mr Perfect at the start but the mask slips and reveals the reality.

You won’t feel at at the moment but you’ve dodged a bullet

This, exactly. I know you’re feeling shaken and lost, OP, but were you really being expected to regularly listen to more than a half-hour of a tirade against his ex-wife? To the point where you thought that restricting it to a half hour would be much better? And his response to being asked to confine himself to a half-hour tirade was to drop his girlfriend of four months without warning? Because she asked him to put a timer on his rage?

You’re well out of that, OP. This is not a nice man.

Agree ex slating is something to worry about and suggests a lack of accountability.

if his response is to ghost you he’s really immature.

You describe your time together as wonderful.
then you describe having to cap slating his ex wife to 30 mins.

what is wonderful about having to listen to someone going on negatively about their ex all the time?

here’s my take. You didn’t fall for HIM at all. You fell for an idea of a man in your dreams who is perfect, and pretended it was him.

“So I guess that’s that then isn’t it?”

Damn right that’s the end of things, yes, but not because he’s back on Hinge. He is not “a good one” if his response to boundary setting by you is to immediately cut all contact and look for somebody different.
Also, if anybody spends a lot of time slagging off other people (especially those they used to be in love with) I take it as a massive red flag! I’d love to know what his ex’s side of the story is.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this it’s very painful I know, but please don’t let him come crawling back after a bit of time has gone by…if you do, next time you need to set a boundary you’ll hesitate won’t you? And that’s how it begins.

I’m not sure. He genuinely didn’t display any until the last three weeks we were together.

It was really strange, I don’t know what happened. He’d never done that before. It started with a complaint about her and an incident with drink and driving with their kids (which to be fair was valid) I said something like ‘oh sorry to hear that, how is it now’ and the subject was dropped after that. But then I noticed he talked about her again the week after. Petty complaint that sounded more like a miscommunication. I let it go but keep an eye out for it continuing. Third week rolls around and we go out for dinner, she’s all he talks about. Really petty complaints and he keeps coming back to the subject every time I interject or try to change the subject. So I choose to address it.

I communicated with him my feelings and that I’d like less ex chat and more of a focus on us. And this is how he treats me? I’m so upset and shocked. I feel really dehumanised.

It’s very cruel behaviour on his part and tells you everything you need to know about this man OP. I am so sorry that you are feeling this. Like others have said, you have dodged a bullet, so now you need to focus on going forward and learning from this experience. I think you probably put up with far more than you wanted to just because you felt happy to have found this relationship that you describe as being in the sun again after so long in the dark. Find the sun again by putting this man behind you and yourself in control by blocking him on your phone, which will release you from this state of being in limbo. I hope you have a good support network of friends to lift you up. You’ll get over him quickly I’m sure.

Be relieved he’s gone! He’s not over his ex and no way should he be venting to you for god knows how long about her. You are not his therapist.

You feel dehumanised because some bloke is a bellend?

You dodged a bullet. It doesn't feel like that, but you did.

He's still too attached to his ex. Were they divorced or just separated?

I suspect his true behaviour was being revealed.

@themoirarosee So sorry this has happened to you!
He has been on best behaviour for the start of the relationship and now you see what he is really like. Pathetic to ghost over this rather than talk to you about it. As others have said, you’ve dodged a bullet.
You deserve so much better than him. Plenty of good men out there who will not treat you like this. Give yourself lots of love and hugs, heal…and move on.

I agree with PPs that you are well out of this relationship.

Anyone can tell you anything you like to hear - your perception of him was probably entirely based on how you extrapolated from what he told you. It wasn’t real.

NB: you would probably find Women Who Love Too Much helpful.

I agree and it’s a common theme on here where an OP waxes lyrical about the perfect man she’s met online, how they have so much in common and it hit intense very quickly only for him to start waving huge red flags 3/4 months in.

I think (understandably) that so many women in live with the idea of being in love again after a failed marriage, they wear rose tinted specs when they meet someone vaguely decent and romanticise what’s basically a short term fling with an unsuitable man.

His mask slipped.

Who he was in the last 3 weeks and how he ditched you for having (completely appropriate!) boundaries - that's the REAL him. The real him is a mean immature person.

Who you THOUGHT he was, was merely his mask.

No I feel dehumanised because I’ve been ghosted. Which feels dehumanising as it denies me dignity and kindness I feel I deserve from him.

@themoirarosee

"I miss him a lot" you've known him for 12 weeks, 84 days and he's destroyed you? Oh,no,no,no smh.

C'mon now @themoirarosee YOU are woman 💪

HE IS a 🔔🔚

Ah, I see. That’s fair enough. Well, add that unkindness to his list of negative points and refer to it whenever you’re sad about it.

Absolutely, you deserve better treatment. But this guy is clearly a complete prick who doesn’t know how to give you what you deserve. Do not waste any more time thinking about him.

I appreciate posting on a forum like this comes with the risk of comments you’d rather not have. But I feel this one is unfair. I’m reaching out for help not judgement.

I see what you’re trying to say, but I think it’s a bit unfair to generalise women’s experiences like that. Or mine should I say. Not every connection that starts strongly is down to rose tinted glasses or someone being in love with the idea of love or desperation to have it. Sometimes two people genuinely click, and sometimes the red flags only appear later. Which happened here, and I addressed it when they appeared I didn’t ignore them.

I think that’s a big expectation from a man you barely knew, OP (as this unpleasant incident has shown you all too brutally). Obviously you deserve to be treated with dignity and kindness by anyone you encounter, but after four months of what sounds like weekly dates, it’s too soon to expect them from someone who is still in many ways a stranger.

Ghosting is very common around the 3/4 mark as they say it’s when the real them comes out and they can no longer pretend.

It is not dehumanizing. It just means he is an asshole.

Treat yourself with dignity and kindness by recognizing that you had a lucky escape.

And read that book, I promise you’ll find it useful

I think so too. He certainly got me feeling embarrassed and really stupid. I really did believe the version of himself he presented to me.

I’m worried he’ll try to come back at some point and I’ll be sucked back in. So I’ve gone ahead and blocked him myself. Luckily no social media on either side. So I just had to block his number.