Struggling after ghosting, might need a taking too

[themoirarosee]

Basically the thread title really. I met someone in August, we met on hinge have all the same hobbies and interests. Play the same sports, same sense of humour etc. Spoke for a week met up and went on a wonderful date, the rest is history. I fell for him quite quickly. Which yes I know is silly after only four months. We were just so well matched and I really thought after an abusive marriage I ended in 2021. That I’d finally found a good one. I can only describe it’s as feeling the sun in my face after a very long time of being in the dark. Now I’m back in the dark again.

Two weeks ago I set a boundary, I politely and kindly asked for less ex-wife slating on our dates. And that I was always on his side and supported him implicitly. It was just making me feel a little invisible and insecure. So I asked him to cap it at 30 mins then we could go back to it being about us.

His response to this was to ghost me, no blocking or deleting of me. He just left me on read, never turned up for our date and hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been 16 days.

I’m unfortunately really struggling, lots of feeling worthless and lonely. Confused and incredibly sad. I’ve not really been eating and had to go home from work a few times. I miss him a lot and just don’t understand why he’s doing this? It’s been made worse by a friend spotting him on hinge again. His last active status is on so he’s been active on there recently. So I guess that’s that then isn’t it?

Anyone else been in this strange position? I’m not sure what to do with myself.

Needing to go home from work early is a bit much, it was a very short term relationship. Just be glad he’s shown you who he is.

Ordered on prime!

Thanks you for the suggestion. I’ll read that.

I hear you but that’s how I felt. I can’t help it. I work with SEND children. And just wasn’t able to focus properly and my memory was a bit weird. I chose to remove myself until I felt better I was concerned I’d make a mistake or forget something. I didn’t want to take that chance with the kiddos I work with. I felt like they deserve me in 100% mode.

@themoirarosee your embarrassment "could be" not that he ghosted you, but that you emotionally exposed yourself, too readily trusted this person and he "humiliated" you, in your head

I do agree with @TwistedWonder though, although your knee jerk reaction was to dismiss their perspective.

Could you try to sit with what was said in their post and honestly reflect?

That's smart. I also agree with your point above, that you did put down boundaries about the red flag behaviour (bitching about his ex) as soon as you saw it was a pattern. You did nothing wrong here.

You also don't deserve to feel embarrassed and stupid. You took him at face value, while keeping a wary eye out. What else could you have done? No one can pick shitty people like this, not even psychologists.

You might want to take a look at the Burned haystack method of dating. It's the brainchild of a rhetoritician who teaches women who are dating how to look out for red flag rhetorical patterns. You picked one - the bitching about ex - very quickly. There are many others, and they really do help women sort through the chaff, because they show a thin sliver of who the man really is.

You have good boundaries in my opinion. You'll feel bruised for a while, just be kind to yourself. His loss.

What an idiot he is. He couldn’t take it that you criticised him so he had to ghost you as a punishment. Thank god he is out of your life. If he does resurface it will only be because it’s part of a plan to force you to be more submissive going forward. If you take him back it would be on the proviso that you cannot criticise anything again. Gross.

The first post yes the second no. It’s okay for me to disagree with someone else’s perspective as it’s based on very limited information about myself. Whereas mine is based on my own lived experience, what the second post refers to is not at all what’s happened, how I felt or an accurate representation of the last few months. It’s okay for me to dismiss what isn’t factually correct though I do thank them for taking the time to comment.

I do this! I follow that method, I’m in the group etc.

Hence my confusion, he passed every part of the ‘test’ so to speak. I applied the method ruthlessly and he sailed through all the steps and stages.

That’s probably why it’s upset me more than it normally would. I really did think I’d found a needle in a sea of haystacks. I must have missed something somewhere or he hid his true self very well!

I think you should see this as the universe’s way of giving you the opportunity to be with someone a lot better!

Ofc, absolutely.

Yes, it happens. Some people can hide who they really are for a long time, and it is only in a time of stress that who they really are comes out.

Or when you lay boundaries: how someone behaves when you say NO to them, says a lot about who they are. That's the real them. Just like the thin sliver the rhetorical patterns reveal.

He's not right for you.

Keep sifting :)

Thank you, I appreciate that. No more dating for me for a very long time! Thankfully I’ve got a very good friend group around me, propping me up and keeping me busy.

Sounds like a bullet well dodged!