It’s not me is it?

[Liondoesntsleepatnight]

After years of arguing, feeling low, big dent to my self esteem about my husband wanting to go out all the time rather than try to enjoy family time he has told me that it’s ok for him to go out every Friday night and most Sunday afternoon into evening (to watch football) whilst I look after our DC and on Sundays cook a roast dinner. He actually shouted this at me because I was pissed off that he went out on Friday and then came home later than he said he would ruining (again) my Friday night after a big week at work.

We both work full time, I earn more than him. I offered him a divorce earlier this year because he didn’t seem to want to be at home/with me but he claimed to really love me and not want a divorce. I can’t get through to him that his social life isn’t typical of a married man with a family, it’s so lonely spending weekends alone whilst he is having fun with his mates.

He didn't want the divorce when you offered it because you earn more than him.

The financial cushy nest he has with you is worth too much (to him) ...... except not enough to put effort into the relationship and spending time with you.

You’ve spoken to him, he isn’t going to change.
if his behaviour is a deal breaker for you, get some legal advice in the first instance.

Next time don't "offer" him a divorce. That's reinforcing his narrative that it's his opinion that counts, not yours. Take control OP. If you want a divorce, tell him that's what is happening.

Why would he want a divorce when he's got Easy life with you? Someone to do the shopping, cook for him, do the cleaning, washing, childcare AND earn lots of money? He knows where he's well off! He's have to change his ways if he had 50% time with DC!

Yes of course he doesn't want a divorce OP when he has a great life with you doing just what he wants.

You say this has been going on for years. It has affected your self esteem. You are obviously unhappy. You know he won't change. Please seek legal advice. You know that life without this man will be much better and happier than this.

He sounds a selfish, low effort husband OP. I don't think there's much you can change here if he's got this kind of entitled attitude towards family life.
It's obviously all about him and his interests. Take charge of the situation and get the divorce process started. Of course he's not going to agree if you give him a choice as you are the bigger earner and he's currently got the comfortable life he wants.

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, he's on to a cushy number. You look after the kids and house all weekend whilst he's out living his best life and can come home to a roast dinner

We both work full time and earn well, my basic is about 30% more than his. I can earn much more depending on bonuses.

It's not just you, I divorced my exH over his expensive weekend hobby that took up all his time. I grew up with family time over the weekend finishing with a roast for Sunday dinner, I thought it was pretty normal and although my parents went out without each other it wasn't all the time.
In all honesty, it's was easier on my own when I could set my own agenda with the children and not have someone come in late a ruin it all.

Just tell him you are divorcing. He doesn’t have to agree to it🤷‍♂️

You need to find a good relationship counsellor. It could really help. He’s completely out of order.
It’s irrelevant that you earn more than him, but it’s fully relevant that you both work full time, and he’s acting like he’s lord of the manor, and you’re staff.

He has a nice life with you practically doing everything so of course a divorce would see an end to that gravy train. Present it going forward as a done deal rather than an offer.

What are your DC learning about relationships from you two?.
Would you want your DC as adults to be in such a relationship?. No you would not and you would want better for them.

I wouldn’t even tell him you are divorcing. I would have the humph so badly by now that I would organise the divorce, make my financial arrangements and sort new housing and then present him with the paperwork and say “sign here”.

He doesn’t have to listen to you. But, equally, he doesn’t get to complain if there are consequences to that.

No, it's not you.

You both earn well but you earn 30% more and with bonuses?

You look after the children and cook the Sunday roast?

Well, I can see three reasons right there why he doesn't want a divorce.

He'd lose the benefits of your combined income, he'd have to pay maintenance, he'd be mindful of the impact on his social life of having the children EOW; he'd have to go.to thr hassle of finding somewhere else to live which would.acommodate the children too; no roast dinner on a Sunday...

Don't listen to his words, not if they're incongruous with his actions. He's trying to protect himself from disruption to his life.

I doubt that such a man would actually consider any form of counselling because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. OP may want to consider going to counselling on her own.

For goodness sake people. It’s absolutely insane for divorce to be the first course of action. Divorce is a catastrophe, for everyone, but especially the children. Divorce is the last resort, not the first.

What do you suggest I do?

I’ve had counselling/coaching this year, I’m good, in a better place than I was in January, I’ve changed jobs, lost a load of weight and working to become fitter and healthier.

The situation in my marriage isn’t new, it’s been worse in the past tbh. I’ve pointed out that the people he is drinking with don’t have a loving wife and family at home , they are all either divorced (multiple times) and/or with grown up children or childless and that my peers aren’t sat at home on their own every weekend, he doesn’t care it seems but if I were to say that he would disagree, he wants sex, he seems to think that he is behaving like a typical married man. He is 56

Both own the house together?

@Liondoesntsleepatnight
its a really crappy situation and I feel for you. I just think that very often on MN, posters suggest divorce as though it’s a good solution. It really isn’t. I would definitely say that divorce is the solution to several issues; abuse, child cruelty etc. You don’t describe anything like that, but your DH sounds like a self centered, entitled dickhead, and I’m sure there’s lots more that you could say which would make me like him even less than I do!
In this situation, I don’t think you are the problem; I don’t think you need counselling. It’s great that you’ve had some and you feel stronger, and regardless of what you end up doing, this will help you.
You and your husband need good relationship counselling. He needs to understand what he is on the verge of losing, and he needs the opportunity to turn things around and make changes.
Im not saying it will definitely work, but divorce is an absolute shitshow for everyone, especially your dc. I think you need to have it as a last resort.

full disclosure; I had relationship counselling with my DH and it was hard. I had to consider my own behaviour far more than I had expected, but we approached it with honesty and emerged in a far better place than we had been. Still together 10 years later, and it’s no bed of roses, but my goodness it is one hundred times better than the alternative.
You may end up choosing to divorce anyway, but at least you’ve tried to work things out if you try counselling.

It really doesn’t matter what he says is normal, or acceptable amongst his crowd of mates, it’s what you think that counts.
The thing is, you won’t want him grudgingly staying at home, and moaning it’s boring and all your fault. So tell him you aren’t willing to live like this any more, and he can shape up or move out.
You could mention that it’s 2025 and you are equally entitled to free time out with friends, so you’ll take alternate Fridays and Sundays. But you do need to show you mean business.

Again I doubt very much that such a self centered man would actually attend counselling sessions. There’s no incentive for him to do so or change because he has his be life the ways he wants it.

Divorce is not necessarily bad for the children if the process is handled sensitively and without adversary on either side. It’s when divorce becomes adversarial that the emotional harm occurs.

I would readily assume your dc do not think much of dad either because he’s rarely if ever around. And they’ve likely heard him shouting at you.

Sounds to me this relationship is in its death throes op. I’m sorry. Counselling for you both? Even if it’s with the focus on splitting/co-patenting? Maybe not something worth pursuing if he won’t engage. He sounds totally selfish and only saying he loves you/doesn’t want a divorce because talk is cheap, and you make his life easy.

My advice is not to stay in a relationship where he isn't willing to change.

I was in your position. I am now divorced and far happier. I am a mum to two lovely teenagers. My ex-husband did nothing to give us the family life I wanted. I worked 30 hours a week. With two children, 17 months apart in age. It was always me running myself ragged, and on Sundays I would spend with my parents whilst my husband was off doing one of his lifelong hobbies. I was effectively a single mum. He would go do his hobby on Wednesday nights too, and Saturdays would make plans to do other things. I was so lonely in that marriage. It got to a point when I said I wanted this to change, and he ended up having an affair, and I threw him out as soon as I found out.

Being alone isn't a bad thing. I did meet another man and had a relationship since where I had a man who wanted to do everything with me, which was lovely until sadly he was struggling with low self-worth and we aren't together anymore. Yet 3 years in a relationship with someone who wanted us to do everything together, compared to someone who was never around. I know which one I was happier in, and it was the latter.

Its only now that my children are 15 and 13 that I feel I have a bit more me time, and I used to be really independent and had loads of interests yet I put them on hold for my kids, and I resented my ex a lot as I was like so I make all these sacrfices and feel like I have lost a bit of myself, yet you get to be you still.

I retrained after we broke up and tripled my income, as he was holding me back, and he said to our son the other day why didn't mum do that when we were together, I couldn't have, as I didn't have a moment to breathe with the responsibilities of everything that he wasn't doing.

A lot of men are selfish, yet the decent ones make changes to accommodate their families.

He brings nothing to the table except grief. You out-earn him, you do all the child care and cook the meals. He is mean and insulting to you, spends his time with his loser friends who've left their marriages and gives you ultimatums about when he will go out and when you must cook him a Sunday dinner.

Tell him to get to fuck. He is an arrogant arsehole and you will be happier without him.

Speak to a solicitor about starting divorce proceedings. There is 'no fault' divorce now so he cannot just refuse and insist on staying married to you. You certainly don't need to wait on him hand and foot like you seem to be doing now.