It’s not me is it?

[Liondoesntsleepatnight]

After years of arguing, feeling low, big dent to my self esteem about my husband wanting to go out all the time rather than try to enjoy family time he has told me that it’s ok for him to go out every Friday night and most Sunday afternoon into evening (to watch football) whilst I look after our DC and on Sundays cook a roast dinner. He actually shouted this at me because I was pissed off that he went out on Friday and then came home later than he said he would ruining (again) my Friday night after a big week at work.

We both work full time, I earn more than him. I offered him a divorce earlier this year because he didn’t seem to want to be at home/with me but he claimed to really love me and not want a divorce. I can’t get through to him that his social life isn’t typical of a married man with a family, it’s so lonely spending weekends alone whilst he is having fun with his mates.

I just think that very often on MN, posters suggest divorce as though it’s a good solution.

The only reason anyone is even mentioning divorce is because the OP has already suggested that to her husband herself.

If ti's got to the point where divorce has already been suggested and no improvements have been made, that's got nothing to do with anyone who replies tot he OP on here.

I wouldn't jump to divorce I the first instance either in many cases but where the OP.has already suggested it to her husband, well, I'm going to assume she's given it full consideration already.

So he knows how you feel, he's not interested in changing and is happy to carry on with your marriage as it is. That leaves you with a decision to make, surely?

@StripyCarpets ”Divorce is a catastrophe, for everyone, but especially the children.”

this is bollocks! Staying in a marriage where you are treated like shit is a catastrophe for the children. You deserve to be happy OP, put yourself first - he isn’t doing that so you have to. Your children will lead happier lives if their main caregiver is happier and more secure.

You can't force him to actively parent, but from now on insist he does his full share of the childcare, not negotiable. Even if you've divided up ALL the shared responsibilities so he does much larger amounts of the housework, shopping, cooking (apart from the weekly roast dinner), yard work, repairs, etc. to balance out your doing all the childcare, it's not fair to the children if he's avoiding spending time with them, and they will notice. Draw up a schedule together. If the situation now is that you do more of ALL the shared responsibilities so that he regularly has more "free time" than you, then of course it's not OK!! Why and how could he think his time is ANY more valuable than yours?

He's already getting more than his share of relief from caring for the children as it is; divorce wouldn't help him because he'd be doing his half on his own, unless he's the type to farm the children out to his extended family or a nanny when he no longer has a partner to do it. For now, if you're not ready to push forward with a divorce, make it more uncomfortable and unpleasant for him to shirk than for him to communicate, cooperate, and compromise. You shouldn't have to do this, but nothing else has worked. But I'd say his also always wanting to go out on his own rather that going out together or as a family or otherwise spending time with you probably gives the lie to his claim that he genuinely wants and values the marriage.

Ots not just that you earn more than him putting him off the idea of separating:

● as a couple you have a very healthy combined income

● he knows he eould lose 50% of that combined income and 50% of the house if you separate

● he's too lazy toceork on the relationship he has with you..... and probably too lazy to seek another one with another woman (yet)

● he knows if he tried to do mid-life dating at 56 years old he would have to improve his standards for a new woman - he would have to make time for her / ditch his drinking buddies and also make time for his co parenting duties

^ he doesn't have time for all that ^ grown-up responsibility when you allow him to be the 5th child in the House

To help manipulate him towards the idea of divorce or realise what he would lose if he loses you, you could:

1. Refuse sex

1. Refuse to cook for him from Friday until Sunday (inclusive) if he his doing the Friday drinking / Sunday football thing

1. Possibly also Refuse to cook, clean and wash for him during the week.

^ Tell him we are now just co parenting in the same house, as you are (he is) offering zero to the relationship. Continue to co parent in the same house doing the bare minimum for him until he comes up with the idea of divorce. **

** This brainwave will come to him about 3 or 6 months after he starts sniffing round a new woman because he's desperate for sex ...... but then he will also realise (hopefully) how much time he will need to make for this new woman etc.

Seems like a number of us high earners OP, are smart women who love too hard or whatever the book was called - until we realise we are being used and that this is not sustainable