Avoidant men

[niadainud]

Looking for solidarity with other people who have been totally fucked over / fucked up by trying to date a man with an avoidant attachment style. So fed up with the blowing hot and cold.

I'm staggered by just how many times one person can cancel arrangements with an array of excuses. It all seems plausible at first, until it doesn't.

(Please don't come with platitudes or advice to have therapy - been there, done that.)

No, I am not still dating him.

I have no advice just sympathy because it’s been 3 years with one for me and that’s all I will say!

I feel for you. It’s so annoying to be in a healthy place yourself then try to build a life with an avoidant man child who only ever thinks about his own needs and never yours. Glad you’ve got out. They don’t change.

I'm surprised an avoidant man has stuck around for three years!

I'm not sure that I was in a healthy place, but I was at least open to a relationship and wouldn't have treated anyone the way he treated me.

An avoidant personality doesn't blow hot and cold.

Stop making yoauelf available to him. You are he back up

Take a look at my username! He’s like a fucking yo-yo. But I love him, I’d rather have him in any of his forms than not at all and there are good times.

It is totally shit. I am not in your shoes - LTR, but have been in the past. So complete solidarity.

An avoidant attachment style does - it’s their currency.

Currency?

In this exact situation. Hot and cold, don’t know whether I’m coming or going! Just messes with my head constantly

Because he doesn't want you and waiting for someone else to come along

Sounds more non-committal than avoidant. Either way, best get rid

Have you finished?

Solidarity here. He was genuinely in love with me, but when he sensed slight hesitation or doubt from me, he’d double down on the avoidance - after losing it and projecting all his self hate on to me. The latest episode I got sick of waiting for him to calm down and refused to placate him - it’s made me anxious and fixated on what the hell is happening. He blames his mental health on his feelings changing for me but I think that’s a smokescreen. So I ended it given he couldn’t.

Honestly the most painful and confusing dynamics ever - and we were together a year and half

@AnotherNaCha I could have written your post! Exactly the same for me and I made too many excuses for him when his MH wasn’t good and let him treat me badly for far too long. He never cared how his behaviour made me feel as he was so completely engrossed in his own emotions. I would never have been worth trying to break the cycle for to behave in a healthier way. That would have taken effort and reflection which he’s incapable of.
Be glad you’re out of that OP.

Mine never takes responsibility and tries to blame me and manipulate me into thinking it’s my fault for his bad behaviour. Which I know it isn’t. Then a few days later it’s all apologies and empty promises. He’s currently been out since Thursday night. I don’t want to live like this anymore but I keep trying to make it work and hope he means it this time for the sake of our unborn baby.
I know I deserve so much better and I won’t allow him to do this to our daughter am I stupid for holding out hope he might change before she’s born?

In was with someone who is avoidant for 2 years. It was an absolute head f*ck and it has massively traumatised me and left me in a constant state of anxiety when it comes to relationships. The guy was me to believe at the beginning he wanted long term, but then was constantly hot and cold. Hot as in the times on our own were good and he did like seeing me but cold in that he would never allow me to be part of his life or have conversations about moving forward with the relationship. After 2 years I I had been- completely blind sighted. I’d never met his family or friends and I felt like a secret no one was allowed to know about. I’m more traumatised from this than from my marriage breaking down due to infidelity.

6 months relationship.. he’s cancelled lots of dates last minute (he said because of work).. and in general not transparent about anything about himself..

Yes, and they're always excuses you can't really argue with, aren't they?

And cards are played so close to their chest they may as well wear them as a vest.

Are you going to persevere?

Until the morning you wake up and realise you just don't give a damn any more....

Dumped mine after 2 years, and it was wonderful to not have the constant disappointments and flashes of what might be 😀 It’s been lovely and peaceful. I thought I would be heartbroken but I feel nothing but relief.

Wasted four years with mine. Met during Covid which disguised things a lot but afterwards it became apparent that he was just using me for two days worth of meals, sex, and close enough to be able to cycle to work, which he loved. Like another poster it traumatised me to the point where I no longer trust anyone’s intentions, and will not date again. He broke part of me and it can’t be fixed.

I feel abit lost tbh, he can be very sweet when he’s available but then it’s confusing and annoying when he cancels last minute. I also question if he’s seeing someone else but he seems not. When he makes excuses I get confused which one is real..

Till which point did you stop seeing him?

I think 6 months is long enough to sit him down and have an honest conversation about his intentions moving forward. He will try to squirm his way out of it but persevere. I actually did this at 6 months and he ended it as didn’t feel able to commit but then he wanted to get back together 6 months later and he said things would be different! That is where I went wrong! Yes it was great for probably another 6 months but then things never moved forward from there and that’s when I should have put my foot down again.
Avoidant men will do what they can to brush your feelings under the carpet, fob you off and make you feel like your requests are unreasonable. It sounds like yours when you are together is lovely which was the case with mine which makes it harder to just walk away as it gives you that glimmer of hope. Every dating scenario I start now I’m so petrified that the person is avoidant.