Avoidant men

[niadainud]

Looking for solidarity with other people who have been totally fucked over / fucked up by trying to date a man with an avoidant attachment style. So fed up with the blowing hot and cold.

I'm staggered by just how many times one person can cancel arrangements with an array of excuses. It all seems plausible at first, until it doesn't.

(Please don't come with platitudes or advice to have therapy - been there, done that.)

No, I am not still dating him.

Yes they do!

Yep- they absolutely do! They distance when they feel too much intimacy/closeness because it threatens them and they need space. Then, when they've had that space they come closer again because they want attention. Its a never ending cycle of push/pull and its so completely toxic.

In my experience men like this never change, they are one of the most damaging attachment styles there is because you always doubt yourself and start to wonder if there is something wrong with you.

You are so well rid OP.

Also, I wanted to say that the reason it's so attractive is due to intermittent reinforcement. IR is the quickest way to get someone addicted to you.

This is a phenomena which is similar to addictive gambling whereby sometimes you win, other times you lose. If you won every time you wouldnt be as addicted but the fact that sometimes you win and sometimes you dont, and it's unpredictable, is why it releases dopamine in your brain and you keep going back. Its literally addictive to your brain. Works the same with avoidant men- sometimes you get love and attention, sometimes you get coldness and distance.

For anyone struggling with this- please look up intermittent reinforcement and how it relates to avoidant partners. It will help explain why you feel so reluctant to leave and what you can do to break free. Recognising the mechanism is half the battle.

My fullest sympathies - had a relationship with one of these at the end of my 20s and it completely messed me up. Didn’t know if I was coming or going / total rollercoaster of emotion. After breaking up with him it took me a long time to trust myself and my instincts again. I did recover and then met my lovely husband!

Yes! It is like an addiction!

I think what the PP means is that there is a difference between an avoidant man and a man who is just “not that into you” & keeps you dangling on a thread for when they’re bored until something better comes along , aka using you

OMG! I've never heard of intermittent reinforcement before. I've just googled it and it describes my 'relationship' perfectly. I'm trauma bonded after being love bombed for 18 months or so, and then being put through a cycle of on/off crap for 18 months.

He says he is depressed and that's why he withdraws, treats me badly. He may well be depressed, he isn't the vivacious, funny, endearing person I met 3 years ago.

He has made me TOTALLY addicted to him. Time to break free. Practically, very easy to do as we don't live together or have any financial ties, no holidays or upcoming plans to be messed up. But fuck me, it's going to be emotionally hard.

Thank you @figgyboos I think you've just saved me from another 18 months on the merry-go-round.

Time to block and delete. And somehow go get my stuff when he is out and return his keys.