Keeping reasons for marriage breakdown private

[PrettyPleaseBeKind]

Please be kind. NC for this thread and posting on behalf of a friend.

TL:DR what did you do if you didn't want to share the reasons for your relationship ending?

Friend is in a long marriage - 30+ years, 3 adult DC.

In January, she discovered her H is a sex addict. Up to now, I was sceptical at the whole concept, I thought it was the excuse that celebs rolled out when they were caught shagging the nanny so they could swan off to a luxury treatment facility and ask for privacy to heal.

The reality is a lot more sordid and destructive. His actions have infected every part of their lives and she has decided she wants out. They are separated. He is in treatment but it is very early days.

Understandably, they have not shared the reason. Family and friends are baffled and family in particular are asking why throw away (on the face of it) a successful marriage. Friend is not in a place where she wants to explain what her H has been doing to her mum and dad, or to her sons. I am her oldest and best friend so I know most of it.

What I'm asking here is, is there an easy way to deflect questions, other than "it's private" or "it's complicated". Friend doesn't want to lie but feels under pressure to justify her decision in a way that people understand.

I think ‘it’s private’ or ‘it’s complicated’ about sums it up! Anything else would be a lie. It’s nice of the wife to want to protect her husband’s reputation and agree this has to be treated very sensitively for the kids’ sake as well, even if they are grown up.

My Mum always just went for "it's private" and then when she got the "Why would you throw away a good marriage" would throw out a "Why would you consider yourself more of an expert on my marriage than me".

Any further questioning generally got met by a "Well now you're just being a cunt", because she'd usually decided she wanted nothing more to do with them by that point. She wasn't one to mince her words my Mum.

An obvious difficulty is the '........well, they would say that wouldn't they' unless or until, as happened to me one partner really puts their foot in it

And believe me when she did she really did.

I think "its private" or "it's complicated" answers it well. At the end of the day it's nobody's business why they are divorcing even if others want to know. She needs time to be able to process her feelings without, often well meaning, comments

The relationship wasn't making me happy anymore, we weren't getting on, we were arguing a lot.

That's true. But doesn't go into details.

I'd be inclined to say something like, "Unfortunately, he had an affair. I don't want to discuss the details".

“It’s private” should suffice.

any further questions could then be deflected by “it’s none of your business” - though I also like ‘that cunt thing’ that a previous poster mentioned 👍

Excellent response.

'It's private' covers it. And if anyone asks about throwing away a good marriage, 'clearly it isn't one of those, the details are private'. Rinse and repeat.

I agree with 'it's private'

But if she really needs something else
'he's broken my trust in a way that it's just not possible to recover from' maybe?

”The reasons are too private and personal to talk about”

I think "it's private" is fine. What a painful process. I hope your friend is okay and I'm glad she has your support.

The "it's private" works for for 90% of the people but it's harder with her parents, her sisters etc., with whom she is very close. She's not going to call her own mother a cunt (probably). They come from a culture where marriage is very much for life, although they are also modern.

@GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut thanks, that's a good line.

@semideponent thank you, friend is the very definition of a kick-ass woman and will be fine, eventually.

Don't celebs normally say we have irreconcilable differences?

Could add we'd appreciate privacy as we want to protect the children.

Something like that. Allows for both perspectives to be valid.

Alternatively if the worry is about them thinking 'who did what' then he's done something unforgiveable and I don't want to discuss it, is probably the only thing you can say, along those lines. The problem is you just open more questions - could you not work things out, did he cheat etc.

It's probably more common than you think for couples to break up over but not talked about by the way.

I think that is perfect. Avoids details but should stop any further questions.

Oh this is so tough for your friend & no one else's business. My dear friend discovered her husbands affair with her close friend & ended the relationship, she wanted to protect her children so told no one other than me about the circumstances. I had to literally stand next to her at our children's football & hear other parents say to her 'It's such a shame you & X have split up, he was such a family man'. I don't know how she had the strength!

I think, where my own mum and sisters were concerned, I'd be honest about the reason for the split. Everyone else would certainly get an 'it's really complicated and out of respect to his privacy as much as mine, I'm not going to go into details' but I think with immediate family I'd be more open and trust them to keep their mouths shut to other people.

Of course it should stay private! I can't believe anyone would be so rude as to ask questions, it would never occur to most of us to do that.

I've never actually seen the reasons for a marriage breakup stay private for very long.

Usually one party confides in someone eventually and it is then passed around as 'Don't say anything, but...'. Spreads like wildfire.

Or one party decides to get their side out first so they can paint themselves in the best light.

In your case I would tell those closest to me. It would ease the burden on you and enable them to support you better.

How about " If I told you why, you would understand and wouldn't ask about it"?

'Mum, I know you have always loved John (assuming they had a good relationship) and believe me this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I need you to trust me that this is the right choice for me, and to respect my decision by not asking for more details. It is extremely painful for me and discussing it further will not help either of us. Thank you for your understanding.'

And then grey rock any further questions with 'I told you I do not wish to discuss this'.

If you give people something rather than nothing, they’ll usually back off. I would say ‘he cheated. I don’t want to talk about it any more’.

Just saying "it's private" or "complicated" probably won't cut it with her mum or sisters. Not if they're anything like my family anyway. I'd probably tell a white'ish lie and say he had an affair and I'm too upset to discuss the details at the moment. It probably isn't that much of a lie if he's a sex addict.

@Happyholidays78 that is tough. Similarly, friend has had to endure many conversations where she has been told what an amazing husband and father he is. If only they knew.

@Wildbushlady the information will come out at some point but she has no idea yet how to broach this with her children, some of whom are only just adults. That's the main reason for keeping it private. And, to be honest, some of the detail is so horrendous no one needs to know that stuff about their own father.

@WinterHangingBasket and @Maybeitllneverhappen yes - that is the line that she is taking now. I wondered if there was an equivalent scenario she could give as an example as to why it's too complicated / private to discuss?

We are both adults and are choosing to separate…you don’t owe anyone any explanations.