Keeping reasons for marriage breakdown private

[PrettyPleaseBeKind]

Please be kind. NC for this thread and posting on behalf of a friend.

TL:DR what did you do if you didn't want to share the reasons for your relationship ending?

Friend is in a long marriage - 30+ years, 3 adult DC.

In January, she discovered her H is a sex addict. Up to now, I was sceptical at the whole concept, I thought it was the excuse that celebs rolled out when they were caught shagging the nanny so they could swan off to a luxury treatment facility and ask for privacy to heal.

The reality is a lot more sordid and destructive. His actions have infected every part of their lives and she has decided she wants out. They are separated. He is in treatment but it is very early days.

Understandably, they have not shared the reason. Family and friends are baffled and family in particular are asking why throw away (on the face of it) a successful marriage. Friend is not in a place where she wants to explain what her H has been doing to her mum and dad, or to her sons. I am her oldest and best friend so I know most of it.

What I'm asking here is, is there an easy way to deflect questions, other than "it's private" or "it's complicated". Friend doesn't want to lie but feels under pressure to justify her decision in a way that people understand.

Simply say infidelity on his part & leave it at that. To not get drawn into detail, say she won’t go into details out of protection /respect for her DC. If people still press her, for her to say it’s damaged all trust, the relationship & any prospect of reconciliation, despite having tried all the avenues & options available to them. It’s very unfortunate, not what your friend ever wanted or envisaged but is irreparable. And is private. Enough said. Surely his parents (& her own) need to be aware of this if she is in close contact with them? T aspersions will be cast as to her role in anything & to be quite honest, she owes him
nothing.

I think it's perfectly acceptable for your friend to say she doesn't want to discuss her reasons - perhaps adding that it's too painful to talk about at the moment. If she's close to her family surely they will understand. And if they don't, that's really their problem. It's probably more difficult for the adult children - she will probably want to give them a filtered explanation at some point.

My mums friend had a similar situation. Her husband was the geekiest man alive but the things he had got up to would make Magic Mike blush. She however was very direct about it and simply said "he's a dirty pervert" that shut most people up.

You don't have to discuss it. In fact, if I had a friend who announced to me that they were getting divorced/separated and it was a real shock to me because I didn't know they were having problems, I would never in a million years, NEVER ask them what happened. Because I figure if they want to tell me, they will tell me. And if they don't want to tell me, I'm not going to ask. It's not that I'm not interested, it's not that I don't care, it's that I respect your privacy.
It's the same thing when somebody dies, I don't ask for the sort of details of what disease or illness or condition they might have had that might have led to their demise I don't ask if they had any surgeries or what medications they were on or if they went to hospice or how long they lingered.... And if you're laughing reading this, don't laugh, I've had people ask these very same questions and they're so incredibly crossing the line worth of privacy... And I just think, hey, this is none of your business. If I wanted to tell you, I would. I could tell you that it was sudden I can tell you it was unexpected I could tell you it happened quickly, I could tell you that but I don't need to tell you the exact details because I don't want to talk about it. If I wanted to tell you, you'd know.
So, for your friend, I don't feel that it's her responsibility to come up with a extremely sensitive way to shut down people who don't understand personal boundaries. Nobody should ask her why the marriage broke up, that is way too personal, and if they do, they can always use the turnaround psychological trick of asking "why would you like to know"... And if the asker says something like "oh I'm just curious"... Well too bad. It's not something I'm willing to discuss with some casual acquaintance. God people are so rude and entitled aren't they?

A line for very close relatives: 'Whilst we are resolving our issues, I don't want to comment.' Or even, 'For legal reasons, I can't really say more / be more specific.'

I can understand her not wanting even her mother and sisters to know; especially if she's trying to shield her DCs. Giving that kind of information even to closest rellies like mum and sisters means that eventually everyone in the family will know. The only way to keep things quiet is to KEEP them quiet by NOT telling. The fewer people who know, the fewer people who talk...

But, as we all know, close relatives will want more. She could gently, sadly, without challenging, turn it back on them: 'I don't ask/expect you to tell me about your marriage'.

As PPs suggest, in most situations, 'it's private and too hurtful to discuss' should see off even the most nosy.

"I just couldn't do it anymore."

Yeah, I think things get complicated when a couple reunites after a very public breakup, especially when everyone knows the reason. People tend to judge, one partner gets labeled as weak, the other as cruel or worse. Or when the cause of the separation is deeply embarrassing, it becomes also harder for the children and even the partner. Still, there are situations where the partner who was hurt genuinely needs outside support, particularly in cases of severe abuse where they’re being isolated. So staying silent isn’t always the right answer.

Personally, though, I often keep quiet because I feel it’s not anyone else’s business. But also I’ve also never experienced anything extreme, my relationships have been pretty normal, and as far as I know, I’ve never been cheated on or dated anyone with narcissistic, borderline, or psychopathic traits. If it happened to me I would at least warn others of his lack of character.

friend has had to endure many conversations where she has been told what an amazing husband and father he is.

People really are thick, aren't they?!

'yes, I used to think that too'

"Our marriage cannot continue. I will not explain why out of respect to my children. They should not be put in a position where they know private details about either of their parents. Both exDH and I love them, and we will not put them in a situation where too much knowledge affects our relationships with them or their wellbeing. We don't want to indirectly invite their judgments or have them take sides.

Then any further digging attempts can be met with
"I'm not discussing this. As i said, we're keeping this private in our children's best interests"

Any attempts to get her to reconcile with ex DH in the "best interests of her children" can be met with
"I always put my children's best interests first. The decision to divorce has not been taken without proper consideration"

I just said that we were going out separate ways. In my case the situation wasn’t a million miles from your friend op but everyone thinks it was mutual decision and it makes it easier when we had to see each other (apparently I was too vanilla!)

Use the old cliche that celebs use in the media when they don’t want to go in to detail “ We drifted apart and had nothing in common any more . We remain friends and co parent our children “ and stick to it if anyone asks questions .

I think I would say ‘Im not going into details but he’s been unkind and disloyal ‘

This one is excellent. Add on it’s too upsetting to talk about .

“It’s private, I really don’t want to share the gory details but suffice to say that if you did know them you’d absolutely understand and support my decision to leave. So let’s just leave it at that.”

I can’t imagine hounding someone for details of their marriage break-up, even close family. It’s a very intrusive and unkind thing to do.

People will open up as and when they want to. If anyone had tried to pry any more detail about my marriage break-up than I volunteered to share they’d have got short shrift! Thankfully no one did.

And anyone who asks “why are you throwing away a good marriage?” would make my blood boil… You’d have to be spectacularly unaware to say that!

This is the one to use. Some of the other suggested responses are suggesting it was her fault rather than his.

Very sorry @mamagogo1for what happened to you. And anyone going through this. It’s unlike anything else. If he was an alcoholic or a gambler or simply an adulterer it would be simpler. Since she has started to go through this she has found two other women in her social circle who have experienced the same. One woman guessed because she was being so cagey.

Thankfully, most people don’t ask and are respectful. It’s just very close family and friends who are used to being confided in.

"Its private"
When pressed
"There are some serious issues which make the marriage untenable... the specifics are private. I'm very sad its come to this it hasnt been easy"
Blah blah blah
"Please stop trying to guess why.. its private"

Separately i am still in the i dont believe in sex addiction camp and i wouldnt be keeping his secrets

If he is so addicted and so unable to control himself the children surely cant be left with him because theyd be exposed to all sorts of horrors...similar to drug addicts or alcoholics..and how is he holding down a job with this "addiction"?
Is she looking at sole custody?

Their children are adult children. They do not need to be left with him. Nor are there custody issues.

I missed the key word adult children 😅😅😅
Must now attend to my own non adult children!

She is lucky to have you as a confidant.
When a woman decides to protect her husband's reputation and her children's dignity by not telling anyone what has happened, it can -perversely- condemn her to suffering in silence while he benefits, yet again.
Your poor friend. She's going to need so much support.

They may come from a culture who had no option to leave a shitty situation but it enrages me when people pretend to be “baffled “. Any idiot must know that things go on in a marriage that outsiders are never privy to.
All she needs to say is, it’s private.

For parents and those she is very close, and she feels need more explanation…’ he has broken my trust in a way it is not possible to recover from’ (from a previous answer) gives the detail that he has done something wrong but also shows that she is dignified and not ‘airing dirty laundry’. And if they ask ‘how?’ Then ‘I really just don’t want to talk about it, but you know me well enough to know that I would never ‘throw away a good marriage’ and ours is no longer a good marriage. I have given this a lot of thought and I am confident I’m doing the right thing. What I need from you is support’.

I think she could say that he was unfaithful without going into detail.