Is this controlling because I feel like I am going nuts?

[fuzzywuzzybear]

One of our DC has Aspergers. When concerns were flagged up at nursery H said we couldnt tell anyone because he didnt want our child to be judged. He then told his parents but I am not allowed to tell mine because apparently they are very judgemental - he is right they can be but I am beginning to have a decent relationship with them for the first time in my life. I am suitably wary and do not tell them much about myself at all.

He tells me that he wants us to be a "private family" - but really it is only me that is not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. He tells his parents everything about himself and his doings and confides in them and borrows money from them without telling me. If he ever hears me on the phone to my mum talking about family business, not just my kids but my cousins and sister etc he pulls faces and shakes his head at what I am saying and basically imposes himself on my conversation. Afterwards he pulls disgusted faces at me and then tells me how pathetic I am for wanting to tell "everyone" my business. He tells me I am a gossip, manipulative, needy and pathetic for wanting to have a relationship with my parents because of how they have treated me in the past.

I have asked him to leave many times and he says that he will not leave his children with someone as "strange" as me because I will ruin them. I don t think he says this to be horrible, I think he really does mean and believe it. He says that we have to stay together to bring the dc up and then he will leave the minute the youngest turns 18. Is this my life? Is this how it has to be? All I can see is unhappy, dark years ahead of me.

I feel that maybe I am actually mad because I don t believe the things that he says and so we have many arguments about them. Maybe I really am this awful horrible, sly person that he keeps telling me I am. I know you are only hearing my side of things but I have tried to be really honest, apart from name changing that is.

It sounds hugely controlling and emotionally abusive. Have you got any services locally for women experiencing domestic violence ? It sounds like he is trying to restrict your friendships and relationships with others . You are not a horrible person. You sound like you would benefit from going to see a domestic violence worker to develop a strategy for how to get out

Your child has Aspergers. You cannot hide this from other people, family or not. I understand that some people prefer not to be labelled (or to have their children labelled) but I wonder if your h feels that your child's condition is somehow a reflection on himself?

In any case, yes, he is being controlling and you'd be better shot of him.

he sounds awful, controlling and abusive.

I would leave.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

"He says that we have to stay together to bring the dc up and then he will leave the minute the youngest turns 18"

Dear Lord

Aside from anything else, that alone would make me leave. Sorry it sounds horrible

He does sound like a bit of a git. You shouldn't have to live your life like this and Laidbackinengland is right to say that it is domestic violence. He is controlling you and not allowing you to talk about your own feelings to family and friends.

I want to say more but my pesky baby has woken up.....

Thanks everyone. I know that I am not the person he says I am thats why we argue so much because I refuse to accept his opinion of me. I feel that over the years I have lowered the bar further and further as to what I will accept from him and I constantly try to find ways to change certain things so that he doesnt have any ammunition eg I never confide in him about family stuff anymore, in fact I dont confide in him about anything because I know it will be thrown back at me.

He refuses point blank to leave, he has become violent when I have told him to go during arguments, which he then blames me for. He has got us into horrendous debt, which I am unable to pay off. If he leaves he will be homeless, if I leave I will be homeless it really is that simple. I am currently on incapacity benefit but am looking for work at the moment as I feel able to come off it now. If anyone has any practical advice regarding housing and debts I would be really grateful. This is not a shall I shan't I leave him. I AM leaving him but I can t see what the first step is given my circumstances. There is so much more to this story. My first post was just an example of one his behaviour.

behaviours

Fuzzy, I'm sorry to hear he is bullying you. It does very much sound like emotional abuse and manipulation. Alarm bells are ringing that he seems to want to cut all contact between you and your family. Unless they've been spiteful and abusive to you and your whole family in the past and you might be better off without them. In your case it sounds he wants to gain even more control over you. Is he like this regarding your friends, too? Do you have any close friends?

What are his reasons for calling you weird? Do you have a medical history or depression which he's using against you?

He sounds ghastly. The comment about the kids turning 18 is just cruel. Can you confide into anyone in RL? I'm sure more MN here can give you tips how to break away from an abusive, controlling person like your DH. Remember there's always a way out. You are not stuck in misery with him.

Re your dc with Asperger's: I'd like to believe that honesty and openness about a medical condition creates knowledge and care how to handle it.

Secrecy makes for suffering in silence and causes lack of understanding. Your child deserves people's help and apprehension.

www.amazon.com/All-Cats-Have-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1843104814

He is potentially dangerous, showing classic abuser behaviour (abusing you then blaming you for it and telling you you deserve it, cutting you off from other people). He's also full of shit - you can have him removed from the house and barred from returning if he is violent. You can get benefits etc, help with childcare costs if you are working. Violent abusive men don't get custody of their children.
You need to see a solicitor of the CAB and get some good advice about where you stand legally, but you need to get away from this man.

He sounds like a controlling, nasty, pathetic bastard of a man. He has major issues, not you. His behaviour is tantamount to abuse.

Shelter will be able to give you some practical advise re housing. I think their line is 24 hours. tried to find their number for you but my pc is being very slow.

Regarding domestic violence and how to leave him - you will not be homeless. by law you have to be given somewhere that's habitable although a women's refuge would be the first port of call. Women's Aid are on 0808 2000 247 and should be able to advise you on what services are available in your area.

You are worth much, much more than this. Don't put up with this abuse. You deserve a happy life with your children, not this torment.

You sound like you have come to the conclusion that you cannot carry on in this relationship and, from what you say, you are completely justified - he does sound controlling and emotionally abusive.

You could talk to a family lawyer and they could let you know what your rights are and what the possible options are for managing the end of your relationship.

Could you and your children stay with your family or friends for a short period if absolutely necessary?

Yes Alexa I had depression when he met me. I have amazing DC and having them completely turned me around. I have not been depressed apart from a bout of PND since I had them.

My parents have been difficult in the past, my Mum was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child so I didnt have much of a relationship with them when I met him. They were difficult with the kids, moaning about them touching things and saying I was a bad parent to other family members and then they stopped seeing us or having anything to do with us for over a year. They approached us again and I can see that they have really tried to change. This is mostly down to me being very open about not accepting negative behaviours around my children and bringing up examples from my childhood to emphasise how things will NOT be done. They adore my children and are unrecognisable from how they parented me. I am not stupid though, I don t want to have a relationship at any cost and I can see true change. His parents have been pretty awful as well but that is never mentioned or there is always an excuse for it. I cant even mention one of my family members without them being slagged off viciously.

I can understand why H would have concerns but it does not seem to be about that. He just hates me having a relationship with them full stop. He was more than happy when we werent talking. As for friends I don t really have any and the one that he did meet is just slagged off whenever I talk about him so I dont mention him anymore. Sorry this is all so long.

So what are you going to do next fuzzy ?

CAB I think. Looking for a job already. Preferably I would like to leave with the kids and start somewhere new. Our house was in his name when we met and after much nagging he reluctantly put me on the tenancy but constantly reminds me that "its my name above the door". He told me that I should leave and he will have the DC. As if.

CAb is a good start I think.

Really worth trying to find a domestic violence worker to support you too ? CAn you say which area/county you're in -if it's not too revealing ? Alternatively you could speak to your local housing office? As others have said - they have a duty to house people fleeing dv.

Good god, this is excellent controlling behaviour - he's got you believing that he's right and thinking you're mad and not fit to bring up your own kids. Next time he goes out, get a locksmith and change the locks.

Oh fuzzy, I'm so sorry to hear that. >Hugs<

Listen, you are a fine woman, he can't take the kids away from you. You and your dc deserve a happy, untroubled life away from him. Make sure you get all paperwork lined up and set up a new bank account in your name. Divert some money into it (cash cheques) to give you a head start.

Don't believe him, trust your own instincts. Listen to the ladies here, they'll make sure you get the right point of contacts! Good luck dear!!

We have separate bank accounts anyway. When we had a joint one he ran up an £8k overdraft without my knowledge - sounds silly I know but I wasn't working and never checked it - and I am now half responsible for it.

Feel pretty hopeless to be honest. As I am not homeless at present I am sure that I will be at the bottom of the list for re housing. I have been "told" by H that I can only live in the area we are currently in as well. He really is an impossible man and I find it unbelievably depressing that even if I leave him I will still be tied to him for the next 18 years with regards to dc.

Any tips for not reacting to his provocative behaviour would be most welcome as well. Somehow I always manage to find myself pulled in. My sister tells me to ignore him but then I will repeat some of the things that he says to me and she will start shrieking down the phone totally outraged even hearing the insults second hand.

Fuzzy - the council have a DUTY to house you if you are leaving because of domestic violence. This is why you need advice.

Imagine him as a seven year old child, handing out all this abuse. You wouldn't argue back with a seven year old - you wouldn't stoop to that level. When he starts, try to imagine his great big head on a little boy's body. You should feel sorry for the pathetic git really, if the only way he can manage to make somebody stay is to control them like this. Repeat after me - Sad little man.

littlewoman your relationship posts are fab. You should write a self help book. Your post actually made me laugh.....alot in spite of my dire situation. I have just imagined his head on DS's body and it has cheered me up no end.

Fuzzy-if you can stand it a bit longer just stay a litle longer & start getting a plan together. Start putting money away in your own account. Pay off as much of your personal debts /overdraft with his/your joint money. Start getting a bag packed with a change of clothes for you & your DC's & hide it in case of needing a rapid exit. Can you leave stuff at your parents or is your new found relationship not strong enough for that? Confirde inth em they may be able to help with moral support even if not finacially or practically.

As ohers have said get help from outside CAB/DV/refuges.

Above all else keep talking to us, your self-esteem is at an all time low through his constant mental abuse you need to keep talking to help keep your head clear.

Be strong -you have taken a HUGE step forward in posting here it takes guts to admit you need help. You & your DC's deserve better