Is this controlling because I feel like I am going nuts?

[fuzzywuzzybear]

One of our DC has Aspergers. When concerns were flagged up at nursery H said we couldnt tell anyone because he didnt want our child to be judged. He then told his parents but I am not allowed to tell mine because apparently they are very judgemental - he is right they can be but I am beginning to have a decent relationship with them for the first time in my life. I am suitably wary and do not tell them much about myself at all.

He tells me that he wants us to be a "private family" - but really it is only me that is not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. He tells his parents everything about himself and his doings and confides in them and borrows money from them without telling me. If he ever hears me on the phone to my mum talking about family business, not just my kids but my cousins and sister etc he pulls faces and shakes his head at what I am saying and basically imposes himself on my conversation. Afterwards he pulls disgusted faces at me and then tells me how pathetic I am for wanting to tell "everyone" my business. He tells me I am a gossip, manipulative, needy and pathetic for wanting to have a relationship with my parents because of how they have treated me in the past.

I have asked him to leave many times and he says that he will not leave his children with someone as "strange" as me because I will ruin them. I don t think he says this to be horrible, I think he really does mean and believe it. He says that we have to stay together to bring the dc up and then he will leave the minute the youngest turns 18. Is this my life? Is this how it has to be? All I can see is unhappy, dark years ahead of me.

I feel that maybe I am actually mad because I don t believe the things that he says and so we have many arguments about them. Maybe I really am this awful horrible, sly person that he keeps telling me I am. I know you are only hearing my side of things but I have tried to be really honest, apart from name changing that is.

personally,i didnt find the CAB very helpful when looking for advice re leaving an abusive relationship.i second laidback's advice to go to womens aid or another DV charity/centre,they will be much better.

there is a local one in my town and they have emergency accomodation and all sorts(flats+houses,not a refuge).

changing the locks isnt an option with a joint tenancy,he would be legally allowed to break in

i found that once i knew i was leaving(or rather,that they were leaving),it was just a matter of sorting out practicalities,i didnt really listen to xh's or xp's abusive crap anymore.i had accepted it was bullshit and that they were the fucked up ones,so i just didnt aknowledge it anymore.plus i had this feeling of smugness thinking 'you just wait,you have no idea what im planning you sad twat'.

You are right diva. I have made up my mind so none of what he says should matter now. Most of my responses are trying to reason with him or ask why he has such a low opinion of me. Could give two hoots now.

One thing I forgot to add in my first post was that last night when I asked him why he was allowed to talk freely to his parents but tried to control me talking to mine he told me that I was too stupid to be allowed to talk freely to people and thats why he had to tell me what I could and could not talk about......Do you know I cried when he said that and just felt so hurt and sad, today I am looking back and just feeling so farkin angry about it.

That sounds awful Fuzzy - you're doing the right thing and I hope it all works out for you.

CAB are good around debt - I was in an abusive relationship and had large debts (£4k overdraft that was run up by him) and CAB got arrangements for everything which enabled me to leave. But talk to the council re housing.

Good luck and just remember just because somebody says something about you doesn't make it true (it took me ages to really learn that one!)

I'm sorry but your h sounds like a bully.

Fuzzy, LW really knows her ropes, eh?

Imagine the guy is on stage, reciting a role. It's a performance, only play, not real. Imagine yourself in a bubble, all the nasty words slide off it, like slime, dripping to the ground [think ghostbusters].

sorry,i forgot about the debt thing when i said the CAB werent too good.they are very good in debt matters IME.

think about it this way;if your H were a mentally healthy adult with healthy self-esteem etc,and he really thought you were all the things he says you are,he would have left you a long time ago,having realised you werent right for him.

he is screwed up,not you.

He sounds like a horror little child who wants everything his way as littlewoman says. This is abuse. A friend of mine works for Shelter. She helps women like you get out and start a new life, they will put you in contact with everyone who can help you and the children start afresh. You do not have to stay in the same area. He will break you if you dont go soon. Can your family be worse then this guy??? Keep repeating sad little man when he starts up and in the mean time get out. I thought domestic abuse was just physical but emotional is just as bad and dealt with exactly the same way.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Well he has agreed to move out as soon as it is possible financially for him. Told him in the mean time to leave me completely alone and not to try to involve himself in my business.

TBH I think that I brought a lot of it on myself by constantly trying to make the relationship into something it was never going to be. Confiding in him etc. I stopped doing that a couple of years ago but he still uses things I told him in confidence re my depression and bad childhood even now 5 years later. It is as though I will never be allowed to forget the screw ups I have made in my life because I stupidly told him about them. I have never been allowed to move on from them. When I do things that everyone does - like enjoy a gossip with my mum - this is held up as an example of my awfulness as a person. I don t even need to be doing anything wrong because he will find a way to twist it around until I look like that biggest arse in the world.

I almost feel that I have put up with so much that it is pointless to leave because I should have done it a long time ago and so I deserve everything I get for not having the sense to get out earlier. I have known for 5 years that this was never going to work and he has done more and more - got us into debt etc. Why leave now, it can t get any worse etc?

What a rambling post. Sorry just thinking aloud really. Thanks for all your great and supportive replies.

You needed to be ready to leave Fuzzy & to start getting angry instead of just upset. Yes maybe you could have left him 5 years ago but you needed to try & work it out for your own sense of worth.

Now you are starting to realise that it ISN'T all "your fault" and that you have tried your damndest & it is time to call a halt.

You need to leave because you & the DC's are deserving of a better life & you can't get that with this sad man.

ALso could I just say he will never move out if you wait for it to be "financially possible" he has all these debts & possibly more you no nothing about. He should leave & get himself on benefits etc, he won't starve!

(sorry if that sounds harsh )

Here is a prime example of the sort of stuff he uses against me.

I told him about a friend of mine who when we were discussing another friend who had finished with her boyfriend but had another waiting in the wings, said "Well I don t blame her, after all you wouldn't leave a job without another one to go to would you?". I thought this very funny and repeated it to DH. It is now held up as another example of how he can never split up with me because I would have another man moved in with his kids in 5 seconds flat. Apparently I can t be without a man on the strength of finding this remark funny.

I know that I should just let this wash over me but when it is repeated constantly whenever I tell him to leave it really does wear you down. And then the argument always becomes about that opinion and I feel gutted and really yucky inside because that is the sort of person he thinks I am.

I am sorry to keep going on but I keep thinking of things that have hurt me and wondering if I am this person. Does he see things about me that I don t?

Made some phone calls today re debts, setting up payment plans etc and felt so good afterwards. I am going to make one call a day, then it is not an onslaught and by the end of the week they will all be over.

"Does he see things about me that I don t?"

No. He makes them up. You don't have to accept his "reality".

You sound like you're dealing with it all well - I wish you continued strength.

That's it Fuzzy - baby steps nothing too drastic & it will all contribute to your growing feeling of self-worth.

Old lady is right - it is his "reality" & I'm afraid it's a very sad not becasue YOU are like that but it his his way of controlllign you & undermining your confidence. It is classic mental abuse I'm sure anyone on here wil tell you.

Chin up you are doing great- by the end of the week your list of calls will be ticked & you can breathe for a bit. Is one of those calls to find out how you can get him out?

Thank you for saying nice things about me fuzzy and Alexa. Absolutely agree, it is a role and a performance. His reality is not the definitive truth, it's just one perspective, as Oldlady says. You do know what you are really, and your worth, which is why you won't tolerate it for much longer. Wishing you luck and strength, fuzzywuzzybear.