How to co parent at Christmas

[Ep9993]

For a bit of context Ive been divorced from my daughter's dad for 2 years now (she'll be 4 next year) and I feel as if occasions like Christmas, birthdays etc im forced to accept a crap deal.

The past 2 he has hosted Christmas and I've been invited. I appreciate it's nice of him to do that and not necessarily the norm! But this year I've suggested I host and invited him over. Apparently he wants to have Christmas with my daughter at his mum's house this year and have her there for 4 days on the lead up to it. He's had my daughter the past 2 years at his mum's during the same time. I've previously accepted this as I didn't think it was worth the argument.

He thinks it makes sense to have my daughter at his mum's this year and I can take her the next to see my family.

I haven't seen my family for Christmas since I was pregnant thanks to this and I am utterly fed up.

How do others deal with splitting Christmas?

This is the first christmas separated with 2 young kids, and whilst i definitely wont stop him seeing his kids I see it as if I do the donkey work 90% of the time throughout the year and he gets to just be fun dad at weekends, then I get christmas and birthdays on terms that favour me, at least for this year.

Not sure how it will work more long term, or if you do more of a 50/50 split, but it needs to be fair, and if not having a year about of having Christmas on your terms.

It should be shared equally. So it's now your turn for 2 years. He can go to court if he's going to whinge.

Kids wake up with me! Open presents, go see my family In the morning, then they have dinner with the dad and his family, and they spend Christmas night with him! We have a massive boxing day dinner with my family! Works well for us

Should definitely be turn about unless your court order says differently

He’s had yr child the last 2 years, it’s now your turn, put your foot down. Don’t be pushed around.

It's only fair to alternate, he had her the last 2, it's your turn this year, if you're too far away you can't do half a day each, then you just take it in turns each year, neither parent should get to do it every time, same with birthdays. 50/50.

Ex mil has always done a big family party on boxing day, so i have the kids Christmas eve and day (we go to my family) and then either the ex or his parents will pick them up Christmas day night or boxing day morning, and they stay at their grandparents for one or two nights, depending on what I'm working

We start our plans as if it were a normal week. Then adjust from there.

So if your daughter would usually be with him for all of those days then I can see where he is coming from.
If she would usually be with you then you keep her.

We spend Christmas together. Sometimes at my house, sometimes at my DMs. Occasionally we all go away for Christmas and rent a cottage. Never at exDHs house as too small to host there, and his parents are passed away, so that’s not a factor. This will be our 9th Christmas separated.

You need to push back now, or it'll become accepted that he gets the monopoly on Christmases.

Stand up for yourself and your daughter. If need be you can apply to court for a specific issue order. You can do this and represent yourself.

No, this time put your foot down! Stand up to him. You deserve two years in a row. I mean this with the best of intentions. Stop letting him walk all over you!

I would not accept this.Why should he get xmas 3 years in a row? And I guarantee he will change his mind before next year and come up with some excuse why you cannot have xmas then.

Most families I know one parent has the DC for xmas eve and xmas morning and then they swop.

It sounds like you need to travel though to see your family. I would say that you would like to have DD at your family's home for the 4 days leading up to xmas and will host xmas day with him invited. That is more than fair.

It should be year about or another fair arrangement that suits everyone. That’s how one of my sisters does it with my nieces (although the older one is now no contact with her dad). The other sister and her ex do it a bit differently. She has my nephew every year on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and his dad takes him Christmas afternoon and for the next few days. She was willing to forgo Christmas dinners with him in order to make sure she always has him Christmas morning and her ex was ok with that. It certainly doesn’t sound right that your ex has had your son every Christmas for years. Time to assert yourself.

do not accept this. He has had 2 years in a row. You deserve to have Christmas with your child and make your own traditions. So not back down or let him bully you. Make sure your daughter has memories with you too. You don’t have to fall in line with him again for year 3

You need to be clear about what you want and make it clear that after two years of doing it his way, you expect two years of doing it your way.

Say no he’s had his Christmas it’s your turn this year tell him he can do it his way next year as you already have plans for this year.

His family open presents in the morning and mine after Xmas dinner, plus we live 10 mins away from each other so for us it works to go to his family’s in the morning then my family’s for dinner and the evening. If this wasn’t the case I think I’d go for one gets Christmas Day and one Boxing Day and alternate each year. Bottom line is it’s definitely only fair to alternate each year, I wouldn’t have done two years giving in and go forward with it!

Surely it should be every other year, so if he has had her the last two it’s certainly your turn !

Ours is complex 😂 for the last couple of years as SS mum left her husband of 10 years then and they had 2 children together as well as SS.

So SS stepdad has them all the weekend before Christmas to do his Christmas (as our arrangements were already in existence and he wants to see SS still).

Mum always has Xmas Eve and Xmas Day as this keeps all three children together (this is how it has alway been even when she was married) and we pick up SS Boxing Day morning and have overnight. My family (DH doesn’t have much of a family) have a big gathering, granddad, mum, me and my 2 brothers and partners and all children and step children (6 kids in total who are all around the same age).

This really works for us all and puts the children first.

where there are not siblings I think shared is fair, therefore it’s time to swap for 2 years now and you to have her.

We always split the day in two. I'd have him in the morning and then his dad used to collect him about 3-4 pm.

Alternating is the fairest way to do it. I dont necessarily agree with others that you should have her the next 2 years.

What you should do is put your foot down now and implement a fair system. You go to your mums this year with her (and ex is invited) and next year you both go to his parents. Start as you mean to carry on otherwise this will go on for years.

Plus the magic of Christmas only lasts so long for kids, your family deserve to enjoy it with your LO too.

Tell him it’s your turn this year.

We did
Me- Xmas eve and day until 5pm.
Ex dh -Xmas day from 5pm and Boxing Day.
Next year the opposite and alternated every year.

Why are you letting him dictate to you? Stand your ground. He’s hosted for 2 years. Tell him firmly that you’ve made your decision and this is what’s happening this Christmas.