How to co parent at Christmas

[Ep9993]

For a bit of context Ive been divorced from my daughter's dad for 2 years now (she'll be 4 next year) and I feel as if occasions like Christmas, birthdays etc im forced to accept a crap deal.

The past 2 he has hosted Christmas and I've been invited. I appreciate it's nice of him to do that and not necessarily the norm! But this year I've suggested I host and invited him over. Apparently he wants to have Christmas with my daughter at his mum's house this year and have her there for 4 days on the lead up to it. He's had my daughter the past 2 years at his mum's during the same time. I've previously accepted this as I didn't think it was worth the argument.

He thinks it makes sense to have my daughter at his mum's this year and I can take her the next to see my family.

I haven't seen my family for Christmas since I was pregnant thanks to this and I am utterly fed up.

How do others deal with splitting Christmas?

Every other year is the fairest for both the adults but more importantly it’s the fairest for your daughter. Court would grant every other year because it’s what’s in the best interest of the child and that’s all the courts are interested in.

I personally don’t do every other year I have mine every Xmas but it was offered but the children were all older when we split and the children wanted to have the Christmases they were accustomed to and wanted to be with me every year and their dad respected that and also thought it was what was best for them. Also tbh I think it gave him a way out of doing a proper Xmas of gift unwrapping this way he only has to give them a little cash. My step son however we do every other Xmas and we went to court to ensure this he was 5 at the time we went to court because the previous two Xmas his mum was extremely unreasonable and only allowed access for an hr Xmas day one year and the following year no contact and made it clear she would never allow us to have a Xmas day. Court did not hesitate in granting every other year to us starting with the first Xmas being ours.

stand your ground and Xmas this year is yours. What gives him the right to dictate when quite frankly he has had the past two xmases regardless of his kind invite. Has he a new partner? Because it’s very unlikely the joint Xmas dinner/day at his mum as a big family will be sustainable anyway so you are best to instil the plan going forward sooner rather than later

Thanks everyone appreciate the replies!

@BeWittyRobin he's no new partner which I think doesn't help. I do, and they are civil with eachother and have even spent my daughter's birthday together.

My main problem with my ex is that he'll threaten and relentlessly go on and on until you give in and do what he wants. Family and friends have told me I need to put my foot down but it's difficult. I've tried to avoid the court route as it seems even more stress but perhaps it's a good idea to get things clear.

We have a court order and alternate christmases. Year 1 kids go to parent A for Christmas Eve and come back to Parent B at 2pm Christmas Day and Boxing Day. The following year we reverse it. It’s never 100% perfect but works quite well and means the grandparents can make plans. Good luck! Christmas is such an emotional time with so much pressure. You deserve special tIme with your daughter on your terms!

Yeah that's the worry I have with all this! If I let him have her this year I'll have exactly the same badgering and threats the next. It's relentless.

This year I've offered he has her at his mum's until Christmas mid morning and brings her over for lunch. I think that's pretty reasonable.

My family are a 3 hour drive away, whereas his are in the same city, so it's easy for him to see them without much of a faff.

Mine was similar. Wanted everything but gave nothing. In the end I paid the £200 and went to court to get it all in black and white, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays, Christmas etc. it made it easier. The process wasn’t pleasant though. We both had to do a parenting course (there were no concerns, it’s standard) I did pay a solicitor but probably didn’t need one tbh. Once it was sorted he left me alone more.

It's wonderful to hear so many people manage to be together or share the actual day. My kids are bigger and they don't like moving around too much, they have asked we do not split main days, so someone has them Christmas Eve , then drops them to the other for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. The other parent then has them after. We alternate, it's def your turn this year and then the alternate years can start - but four day and then Christmas!!!

You really do need to go to court. Also look at it this way if you are to back down again for the third year running, if in the following years you were to actually put your foot down and say his circumstances were to change and his new gf didn’t feel comfortable with your presence in this big joint Xmas at his mums house, you go to court it may actually not look great that you’ve never stood your ground sooner…..just being devil advocate.

stand your ground you are not doing this for yourself you are doing it for your daughter to get in your a realistic routine going forward that actually can be sustainable. Remain strong, decide what you would like going forward ie: alternative Xmas Eve/day. Maybe whoever has Xmas one year that year the other parent gets New Year’s Eve/day and visa versa. Decide a realistic time you’d prefer for handover and then be prepared to negotiate and compromise on time but not days. Despite our court order with step son his mum did try and disrupt our first Xmas with him but we stood our ground and she was difficult the next couple of Xmas’ but last year she seemed to be over it and we had no issues. It’s hard but if you do not stand your ground you’ll be dealing with this for everything and it’s exhausting xx