Is there a name for this behaviour and how do you deal with it?

[Ontheirtermsonly]

When you have a disagreement with OH and need some time to get over it but they suddenly decide that they’ll say ‘sorry’ and it HAS to be over then. On their terms and in their time? No matter who is wrong or right or even if nobody is to blame ?
I feel like I’m never allowed to come round in my own time ? When I say ‘no sorry I don’t feel ready to make up yet - I’m still hurt and need some time alone’ they just fly off the handle about how difficult I am.

I don't know whether there is a name for it but in essence he is denying your right to your own feelings. He is denying you your autonomy. And I suppose it is him controlling you because he expects you to do as he tells you.

You are not being difficult. You are processing your feelings as you have the right to do.

When he " flies off the handle" what form does his angetajeke? Because it sounds quite frightening.

They do it on purpose to make sure that even once they've 'apologised', it's your fault you are still upset and not theirs.

It's called being an arsehole.

If noone is to blame, or you are, and they are apologising and you are rejecting it then you are being a dick. If they are in the wrong, they should apologise and let you come around in your own time or else they are being a dick.

I think it depends on how long it takes you to 'come round'.

My ex was a sulker who made 'coming round' into an Olympic sport.

There is a name for it, it’s called manipulation and control.
There is also a few names for him but to be polite we’ll call him a giant toddler having a tantrum.

if I say I’m not ready yet to make up when he wants to he will then storm off and shout that I’m unreasonable and being controlling it’s not that it’s just if I’m stressed or upset I need a cup of tea and to sit alone for a bit ?

Anything from an hour to a few hours and in that time I just want to be on my own. He very much dislikes it especially if he has said or done something which he then denies to gaslight me and I mention facts / evidence and then he will try to suddenly switch and say ‘it’s all over now I want a hug it’s fine now’ but it’s not over it’s just that I think he feels like he’s somehow losing ?

I’m always calm and just say I’m not ready yet please let me have a bit of space a drink and time

I suppose it depends on the individual argument but 'a few hours' is a long time to sulk.

How does he react when the row's been your fault, and you've apologised first?

His approach sounds very immature and unreasonable so I'm on your side OP but I wonder if it would be more effective to say what you need rather than rebuffing his apology. Ie what would it take for you to make up? Space doesn't actually fix the issue. So you might need to reflect on why you can't move on when he apologises- Ie is it because you know he'll just do the same again? Or his apology is too glib and doesn't really address what he did wrong? Or you need some concrete reparative action from him to show he's sorry and make up for the wrong? If you work that out and express it clearly and he still reacts with dismissiveness then you'll know he doesn't really care about your feelings. But it's worth giving him more of a fair chance.

It doesn’t happen that often , I’m quite non confrontational but if I’ve said something that’s offended him I will always say that I’m sorry and I’ll remember for the future to have more awareness around the subject , he will always say it’s fine no delay at all

My Ex never ever apologised for anything.
(Asshole ) .
Even when he knew in his heart & soul he was wrong , where I deserved an apology he would literally convince himself he was right !
Whenever I was wrong about anything, I always owned it & apologised, he in turn then would not leave it go . There would be silent treatment, & the second I apologised then he would jump on it , & go on & on & on & not leave it go . It was as though he said to himself, ha ha , she’s apologised & then he’d work it on to me .. My punishment..
Boy was I well rid of him !!!!!!

Yes it’s just sorry it’s not any kind of self awareness or admitting he was in the wrong / unkind it’s just this really bad toned sorry almost like Kevin the teenager! Which I’m meant to accept immediately and sometimes it’s just too soon

An ex of mine was like that. He'd say sorry, even though I knew he didn't mean it, and then demand that my tears stopped immediately. If you are hurt and upset, you can't instantly switch those feelings off and start smiling again the second they say sorry, can you?

Then you get "What's the matter with you? I've said sorry, what more do you want? Cheer up for fuck's sake".

He's trying to dictate your response to his actions, which is controlling, plus he's pulling DARVO by telling you you're controlling when it's him who is trying to tell you what to feel and when to feel it. He's making himself the victim, by turning it around on you.

He's manipulative and emotionally abusive and immature.

It’s exactly like that. I said to him once that it really showed the apology was insincere the way he lost his temper when I didn’t immediately jump up smiling as if nothing happened?! That it just shows it wasn’t meant at all but was just being used to try and force me to conform somehow like I can switch emotions in an instant

Even before I got to this reply I felt the behavior is very close to gaslighting.

I was going to say I wouldnt be surprised to learn that your OH would deny saying things or would actively change facts.

Depending on how you feel they would react to this behaviour being called out. Have you had a conversation where you have mentioned gaslighting and said what they do is awfully close?

Obviously this should only be done if safe to do so.

I have heard a similar behaviour being described as stonewalling.

If you are regularly having interactions that you need a few hours to get over then the relationship is toxic. Getting out is more important than deciding who's trying to manipulate who.

That's because he's manipulative and controlling and you're not falling in line with his manipulation.

"they are apologising and you are rejecting it then you are being a dick"

Rubbish. Women get this crappola a lot. Usually with that thought-terminating cliché "Forget and forgive".

Just because someone "apologises" does not mean you should forgive. Often apologies are facile, or along the very unremorseful lines of, "I SAID I'm sorry, how much more do you need?! When will you finally forgive me, my god!!"

No. An apology is NOT enough. It must be accompanied by true remorse and a change in behaviour. Otherwise it means absolutely nothing.

This has all the makings of a toxic, manipulative and ultimately abusive relationship.

Why are you with this person?

His underlying character is pretty controlling and unpleasant isn't it? His personality when he's content might be quite nice. But he hasn't got the ability to be a decent guy at core. You have to dance around his unhappiness; he hasn't grown up very far.

Keep going like this and you're going to struggle very badly when life really gets stressful, such as when uou have children or a really bad disagreement. You'll be the one expected to knuckle under, I think, rather than having a true partnership.

My thoughts exactly - my first response to how to describe the behaviour was arsehole. And what do you do? Honestly, I couldn’t be with someone this toxic.