She got really angry and broke down and I don't understand why? need advice and opinions?

[ThrowRA2021116745]

my girlfriend and myself have been together 4 years. we got engaged last month

a bit of back story :
the last year shes been having a stressful time with her dad being in hospital and since hes left hospital shes been dealing with on going issues resulting from him being in hospital so shes has to do a lot of things for him this year. She also helps her uncle out a lot too. I help her as much as I can so that she isn't doing it all alone. But shes always coped with it well. she rarely ever gets angry. in the 4 years we've been together I think I've seen her angry maybe 3 times including today and normally when shes angry she just cries. I've only ever seen her shout and scream once so shes not an overly emotional person and she's quite level headed

anyway jump foward to this evening.
today started off fine. we've got plans over the next few days so we spent today preparing for it.
Tomorrow we are going out of town to see a close friend of mine. Friday shes comimg with me to pick out a new car and Saturday we are taking my 10 year old nephew out for the day.

A few hours ago we discussed the plan for the rest of today. The plan was we was going to go get a few things from the shop/store then come back and she was then going to give me a hand with shaving my head as I find it really difficult to do the back as I always miss parts. and after that she said she wanted to go paint her finger nails. she said she needed to start doing her nails at 5.30pm so that she would have enough time to get them dry and do the other things she needs to do tonight in order to then get an early night because we have to be up early in the morning. anyway so my hair was taking longer then expected and it got to 5.50pm and ahe started saying we need to hurry this up because she needs to start her nails. and we finished at 6pm and then the washing machine decided to stop working so I then emptied the clothes out of it and she was squeezing the water out of them while i pulled it out to fix it and she started to seem a bit irritated but she didn't say anything. so 6.20 pm the washing machine is fixed again. I then said to her "go on baby go do your nails " and she just completely lost her temper like out of no where. she started raising her voice and venting (not at me, just in general) she started shouting things like "i don't have time to do them now." and started to list all the other things she has to do tonight. then she continued shouting "i never get to do what I need to do" and "all I wanted to do was have one evening to myself to do something I wanted to do" and then she said "aslongs as everyone else is alright I guess thats all that matters" and walked into the bedroom and as she went in she said "please dont follow me i need some alone time "

Ive never seen her like this in the 4 years we been together. everything was fine and im not understanding why shes getting so angry over not being able to paint her nails at the time she wanted to.

I've left her alone to cool down like she asked but I dont know what to say to her when she comes out

I think your GF is stressed and burnt out from being the solid and capable person she normally is.
She needs some time to just meet her own needs without looking after others.

You shouldn't have got her to do your hair when it was time for her to do her nails and she had been clear about that. It's obviously not a one off that her needs get sidelined and she's fed up of it. That's why she got angry.

You really can't see that?

To be fair I get her. It sounds like the poor woman never gets a bloody rest. Your weekend is planned around you and what you want to do, and she's running around all over looking after sick relatives. When does she have any time to herself??

I suggest offering to pay for her to go fet her nails done, while you go looking at cars.

She is totally overwhelmed with doing things and giving her time over for the comfort of others. She feels frustrated that the small thing she had planned for herself this evening didn't work out as she had wanted. Your hair was the priority and she feels like her wants and needs aren't seen or recognised. You need to support her to take time for herself and learn not to say yes so often.

It’s not really about her nails. She feel overwhelmed and needs some down time. Give her a hug when she comes out and plan time when she can be alone/relax/look after herself.

Your girlfriend is clearly struggling to cope with the responsibilities of her Dad, Uncle, work (I assume she does) and running a home. Yes, you help where you can, but she's carrying a lot on her own. She spends a proportion of her time running around after other people, and has little time for herself. You were in the firing line, because you were there at the time, and it was your head that was taking an age to shave. Are there no other family members who can share the responsibilities of her Dad and Uncle? Are adult social care involved for either of them? She needs some of the responsibility taken off her shoulders, because it's effecting her own well-being. Your girlfriend needs some 'me' time, so she can recharge her batteries and do things she enjoys, rather than running around after others.

What don't you understand? She told you why she was fed up and you've now told us.

Could you agree that tomorrow night she gets to do whatever she needs to do without any extra jobs from you? She sounds burnt out and in need of your support.

Today - doing YOUR hair
Thursday - going out of town to see YOUR friend.
Friday - going with you to get YOU a new car.
Saturday - taking YOUR nephew out.
see a pattern here……

you know the “bucket” saying? Hers is well and truly full. Looking after her dad, uncle, doing loads that you want to do. She’s right, when does she get HER time.???

Do you want to just read that back to yourself and tally up how anything she did for you/others (including all your plans over the next few days) and how many things she wanted to do for herself (1) and how many she got to do (0) ?

guessing this is a regular thing for her and the meltdown is total overwhelm. How would you feel?

So she's helped get YOUR car, packed/organised to see YOUR friend, helped babysit YOUR nephew, then spent much longer then she agreed to helping cut YOUR hair.

She set out clearly the time she needed to do one small thing for her, but that one thing was the thing that had skipped. Yes, the washing machine breaking was unexpected, but if she had been able to go do her thing when she said she wanted to, it would already have been done before the washing disaster.

This is a good idea too. I agree with PP's. She's exhausted being all things to all people. I've been there, it's hard

Nails are only successful (or, even just presentable) if you don't have to do work needing your hands like using a shaver, washing up, pulling a suitcase within about 12 hours of doing them, and above all and especially: squeezing water out of a wash to save a bad situation because the washing machine has failed.
The things she is doing early tomorrow sound like things for you, even if she would normally be fine with giving time over to them.
She needs time to herself, to make choices as to what will 'feed' what she feels has been drained from her strength and mood.

Why didn't she do her nails as soon as she finished the haircut? What's all the nonsense about broken washing machines? That's one thing I can say in your favour.

But just because someone possesses a vagina it doesn't mean they're a hairdresser. And cutting other people's hair for free wouldn't even be fun if she was one.

Anyway she obviously felt that your hair and the washing machine issue were preventing her from doing something important to her.

And it wasn't the first time she's felt you and your needs have somehow managed to take precedence over hers.

"i don't have time to do them now." and started to list all the other things she has to do tonight. then she continued shouting "i never get to do what I need to do" and "all I wanted to do was have one evening to myself to do something I wanted to do" and then she said "aslongs as everyone else is alright I guess thats all that matters" and walked into the bedroom and as she went in she said "please dont follow me i need some alone time "

This is the problem, she's not only told you but you've been able to tell us. Not being rude but what don't you understand?

She's reached the end of her tether.
She needs regular time just for herself when she doesn't have to worry or think about anyone else or the damned washing machine

What other things were on her list to do that night op?

Why didn’t you offer to take them off her plate as she is spending a large proportion of her weekend doing activities of your choice?

The nail thing was simply the very last straw, and she's had enough. Everything she does is for someone else, and most of the time she has no choice.

You should have suggested she did her nails first, then do your hair if there was enough time.

But that wouldn't work, because the varnish needs time to dry and then harden!
Cutting hair wouldn't allow that.

Wha do you mean you don’t understand why? She told you clear as day why she’s so upset:

she started shouting things like "i don't have time to do them now." and started to list all the other things she has to do tonight. then she continued shouting "i never get to do what I need to do" and "all I wanted to do was have one evening to myself to do something I wanted to do" and then she said "aslongs as everyone else is alright I guess thats all that matters" and walked into the bedroom and as she went in she said "please dont follow me i need some alone time "

Doesn't mean any of it is your fault, but she couldn’t be clearer why she’s pissed off.

Also DH shaves his head, I sometimes help with the back, it takes 10 mins absolute max??!

@ThrowRA2021116745 look up the mental load

You sound like you're organising her OP, it would grate on my nerves

She literally told you what was wrong. There's no miscommunication here.

Don't brush this under the rug and ignore the outburst. She needs someone to prioritise her for once.

So you are suggesting that yet again, she puts someone else ahead of her own needs?

Not at all, just pointing out that wouldn't have worked for her to do her nails, so yet again HER needs are being subsumed by HIS wants.

I'm actually agreeing with you!