She got really angry and broke down and I don't understand why? need advice and opinions?

[ThrowRA2021116745]

my girlfriend and myself have been together 4 years. we got engaged last month

a bit of back story :
the last year shes been having a stressful time with her dad being in hospital and since hes left hospital shes been dealing with on going issues resulting from him being in hospital so shes has to do a lot of things for him this year. She also helps her uncle out a lot too. I help her as much as I can so that she isn't doing it all alone. But shes always coped with it well. she rarely ever gets angry. in the 4 years we've been together I think I've seen her angry maybe 3 times including today and normally when shes angry she just cries. I've only ever seen her shout and scream once so shes not an overly emotional person and she's quite level headed

anyway jump foward to this evening.
today started off fine. we've got plans over the next few days so we spent today preparing for it.
Tomorrow we are going out of town to see a close friend of mine. Friday shes comimg with me to pick out a new car and Saturday we are taking my 10 year old nephew out for the day.

A few hours ago we discussed the plan for the rest of today. The plan was we was going to go get a few things from the shop/store then come back and she was then going to give me a hand with shaving my head as I find it really difficult to do the back as I always miss parts. and after that she said she wanted to go paint her finger nails. she said she needed to start doing her nails at 5.30pm so that she would have enough time to get them dry and do the other things she needs to do tonight in order to then get an early night because we have to be up early in the morning. anyway so my hair was taking longer then expected and it got to 5.50pm and ahe started saying we need to hurry this up because she needs to start her nails. and we finished at 6pm and then the washing machine decided to stop working so I then emptied the clothes out of it and she was squeezing the water out of them while i pulled it out to fix it and she started to seem a bit irritated but she didn't say anything. so 6.20 pm the washing machine is fixed again. I then said to her "go on baby go do your nails " and she just completely lost her temper like out of no where. she started raising her voice and venting (not at me, just in general) she started shouting things like "i don't have time to do them now." and started to list all the other things she has to do tonight. then she continued shouting "i never get to do what I need to do" and "all I wanted to do was have one evening to myself to do something I wanted to do" and then she said "aslongs as everyone else is alright I guess thats all that matters" and walked into the bedroom and as she went in she said "please dont follow me i need some alone time "

Ive never seen her like this in the 4 years we been together. everything was fine and im not understanding why shes getting so angry over not being able to paint her nails at the time she wanted to.

I've left her alone to cool down like she asked but I dont know what to say to her when she comes out

I agree that she's at the end of her tether, but you also made it perfectly clear that you don't listen to her by suggesting she did her nails after 6pm when you said she was very clear that if she didn't start them by 5.30 she wouldn't fit it in.

You say that you are trying to help her with her dad and her uncle, yet you're scheduling any free time she would have with things that aren't relaxing and don't involve anything in the way of self care. Maybe review your plans for the weekend and see if you can focus on her needs for a change.

It's never about the nails (or the one thing) - that's just symptomatic of a wider problem. Read back what you wrote about your weekend plans. Every. Single. Thing. Was about doing something with you, or for you. I'd honestly have lost my shit at having my precious small amount of me time disrupted.

The nails were one part of a routine she had planned out, of one part of an evening that she had control over. Be nicer to her / less logical and more emotionally understanding, and give her a break.

I've left her alone to cool down like she asked but I dont know what to say to her when she comes out

The two phrases that you need are "You're right" and "I'm sorry."

As others have pointed out, her weekend is revolving around you, and she's already taken on a lot of care for her dad and uncle. She really needs some time to do something nice for her without any expectations.

You could try something along the lines of "I hadn't properly appreciated how little time you get to yourself, you're right you need an evening to yourself once in a while, it shouldn't be a luxury. I'm sorry I didn't realise before you got to the end of your tether. Is there any part of this weekend you'd rather bow out of to get some time to yourself, or can I help you carve out some time next week?"

You really need to mean that though. If you just say enough to get her back on track of being the emotional support human to everyone around her and then return to normal she will be justifiably very unhappy.

100% this.

ThiS^

My goodness OP have you no self awareness? As others have said, it's all about you, your schedule and your arrangements and needs.
What to say to her? How about, l'm sorry, l've been totally selfish, what can l do to help? Then listen and act on it. You can't pour from an empty cup and hers sounds bone dry!

@ThrowRA2021116745 do you have anything to say? Or did you come here just to get more emotional labor out of women for free because your girlfriend was malfunctioning on that?

'"i never get to do what I need to do" and "all I wanted to do was have one evening to myself to do something I wanted to do" and then she said "aslongs as everyone else is alright I guess thats all that matters" '

What don't you understand? She told you exactly what is wrong and why she is fed up. Do you normally have a problem listening to what people are saying?
Hear what she is telling you (clue - it's not about the nails).

OP’s not coming back.

however he doesn’t appreciate at all that in four years she has rarely got upset. Then when she is clearly overwhelmed and has clearly stated her needs, and he ignores them, and she cracks. It is like now he is super put out that he has to provide emotional labour. I reckon that he needs to take a good hard look at why he has such a problem reciprocating. Also why she had to wring out the washing before she did her nails, and why he didn’t do that and let her head off.

If he does actually return I would like to point out that burnout is not something that can be fixed by a one off manicure. It is a long process of rebuilding energy reserves and regaining emotional strength.