He cheated and I need to vent

[Leopardheart01]

This is incredibly outing to the few who know about it in real life but actually I don’t care.

been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 15 month old. Two weeks ago he told me that “a while ago” he “started seeing someone”. Long story short she got pregnant and they now have an 8 month old daughter (you can do the pregnancy cheating maths) Needless to say I’m in complete shock. We have both talked about how this relationship has been the most real, we could be our authentic selves, supported and respected etc. we both recently lost a parent each and have supported each other through our grief. Everyone always told us we were such a cute and fun family. And that’s how it felt. Stupid levels of happiness love and fun. We have been discussing marriage, moving to the coast and planning another child.

Now he tells me this. It’s an ex girlfriend, it was always a toxic relationship, she hurt him multiple times (we had talked about previous relationships as you do, so I knew about her before the affair) she has now said she wants to make a go of it with him. After several glasses of wine he admitted he wants to “rebuild” with her. I asked if he still loves me and he couldn’t answer (speaks volumes) I been a terrific partner to him and I just don’t understand why he would choose the pain and toxicity of their last over our family? Not that I even know if I could forgive h anyway. It feels like too much deception.
There are photos of them posing with a sonogram when our son wasnt even a moth old. And another that looks like a holiday snap. The betrayal hurts like nothing else, even when my ex husband cheated it didn’t feel this bad. What do I do now?

No advice right now but my goodness I could not read and not respond. I'm so sorry OP I can't imagine what you're going through. What an absolute dick. Hopefully someone will be along soon with a more considered response, but all I can say is take your time and do what is right for you and you little one xx

I’m so sorry. I have no advice but couldn’t just read and run x

What a bastard. He does not deserve you or your family unit. Please look after yourself and consider some healthy boundaries for you whilst you come to terms with this. I wish I had some healthier boundaries when I found out my ex h had cheated when I was pregnant, More for my own self respect than anything but I was in so much shock I couldn't think straight.

I hope you have some good support systems in place.

Thanks all. @Mumto21234 thats how I’m feeling to be honest. In shock. I have an amazing small group of friends but other than that I don’t have anywhere else to go. I havent been working since my son was born so don’t currently have a wage coming in (need to sort that asap and return to work) I don’t think I can afford private rental so I’ve applied for a council house which was very humbling, and could take years anyway.

I didn’t want to read and run but sounds like he wanted you to believe he would stay with you until the glasses of wine told you how he really felt. I am so sorry, but ou must be heartbroken. There isn’t any coming back from what he’s said. Now is the time to get legal advice, he’s well into this affair and had a head start to plan his next move.
In the cold light of day is he denying what he said or standing by it?

He is saying he needs time to process and formulate his words (ridiculous!) but he hasn’t denied it.

What an absolute bastard.

If their relationship didn't work before I doubt it will last this time, given his total lack of any morals, scruples or decency.
So be prepared for him trying to come back to you at some point in the future OP. And give him the short shift he deserves.

So sorry this has happened to you.

I'm so sorry, the level of deception he has shown is unbelievable - I'm not surprised you're reeling from the shock 😔 please reach out to your family and friends to support you through this awful time. You need time to absorb all this before you can sit down and plan for your future. You can speak to citizens advice to find out what you can do financially to make sure you and your little one are ok. Hang in there my love, this is the worst bit now you have found out who he is. You will get to a place where you are happy again, it will take time so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the future you thought you had. You will get to a better place in time and be stronger for it, look after yourself lovely 💐

A person who is capable of that level of lying can never change. It's baked into his personality, remember that. I'm so sorry he betrayed you like this. He is not a good person x

He sounds like a complete moron. I couldn't live with someone after a betrayal like this.

im so sorry you’re going through this, how awful 💔💔💔

if their relationship was toxic before, they will still be toxic together now and I guarantee he will regret it. You deserve so much better you sound lovely 💐

It really is awful to find out this way who someone really is. Im a few months down the line from you and I still cannot believe I never seen this side to him. Unfortunately though he has continued to be extremely selfish and self serving and gradually I am accepting that this might actually be who he is. We are still in the process of selling house etc so it feels my day to day hasn't drastically changed albeit he now lives with his dad, but he can come and see kids whenever he wants
I expect his true colours, and intentions will be revealed when its not so easy come easy go for him.

I remember posting right at the beginning on mumsnet and people telling me he was not my friend or on my team anymore and I was no naive thinking he would continue to have our best interests at heart. The cold truth is he has his best interests at heart only, and that includes the kids when suits. He does enough to show that he does enough, if that makes sense. So prepare yourself to be let down by him, and focus on building your own resilience and support network outside of him.

Everyone tells me we will get through this, so im rooting for you as much as me ❤️.

@Gettingbysomehow i agree, I think the trust has gone and how can a relationship survive without that? But still, how can someone choose a hurtful and volatile
relationship over such a seemingly great one? I don’t get it, but that’s his problem, I certainly won’t be waiting around for it to fail and have him come crawling back. I had considered trying to work through things until I knew they were still in touch and hanging out (other than about their daughter) but now? Too much hurt. Too many lies.

Blimey, I’ve read lots of terrible things on here. But this is right up there.

Just so I am clear on the timeline, while you were heavily pregnant with his baby, he was having unprotected sex with his ex. When your baby was just weeks old, he was at a scan for their baby. You now know because she wants to make a go of it.

Does she know about you and your baby?

@CagneyNYPD1 yep, spot on. You read about people leading double lives but never think it will happen to someone you know, let alone happen to you, it’s like something you read in Take a Break!

yes the affair partner knows about my son and I. I also have an older daughter from a previous marriage who is caught up in all of this. I didn’t introduce them for 2 years because I wanted to be sure of this relationship before involving her. It took me years to rebuild myself and my confidence after my ex husband cheated, now I feel back to square one.

@Mumto21234 Thankyou. I’m rooting for you too x

Cunt. No other words to describe him. Let him go and play happy families with his ex whilst you hold your head high and focus on giving you and your son the best life.

Why would he go back to a relationship like that? .. birds of a feather flock together...

Quite frankly you need to find your anger. Please also get tested. He's obviously been having unprotected sex with at least as st two women.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but I can promise you everyone who can do maths will know exactly who so to blame for this .

I am your son in this situation. My dad had my sister with my step mum who gave birth 5 months after I was born. Disgusting man. My mum left immediately and he begged and begged. Ended up going to the only woman who would have him. They are still together and utterly miserable. Havnt seen him in 7 years and didn't have much to do with him growing up. He thought he wouldn't be held accountable when I got older but he then had to explain it to me why my sister is 5 months younger than me.

This man is not good enough for you and your son. Yes by some miracle he might be there for the baby but I wouldn't put money on it.

Sorry this happened OP. It's quite possible he told you a pack of lies about his past relationship. Lower your expectations of what he'll be like.

Oh crikey @Odiebay so sorry that happened to you, but Thankyou so much for sharing your perspective.

and yes, one of the first things I did was go and get tested.

I very rarely use the word cunt. I save it for absolute cunts. He is indeed a massive cunt.

What a shitty bastard OP. I don't really know what else to say except you deserve a million times better.

What an absolute specimen!
I can promise you that he will absolutely regret all of this and try to crawl back to you.
The reason he wants to return to the volatile relationship is because you get addicted to the adrenaline.
He’s destroying everything around him and he’ll soon realise what he’s done

I’m just sending a hug. What a bastard! xx

What you do is go off and build a good, content life for you and your children, away from this man.

Not only has he cheated on you, he now expects you to wait while he 'processes '. Tell him to get to f%£k.

She knows what she wants - him.
He'd like to give it a go, though he's going to process, I.e. give you the responsibility of ending the relationship- coward that he is.
Which leaves you - Choose yourself and your children.