Feeling lonely and no longer attracted to my Husband

[Curlyfifteen]

We have 6 and 2 yo girls. We parent them okish together, he is playful and rarely sets down any rules, leaving it all onto me to manage/plan/organise/be the tough parent which is annoying. However he does manage the bills etc and is the breadwinner.

He is my second relationship and first sexual partner - we got together 20 years ago. We were last intimate when I was pregnant with my now 2 yo and as the pregnancy progressed he was a bit grossed out and didn't want to anymore. I miss intimacy and I don't know if I am no longerr attractive, if he is of an age (50) that things have slowed down for him or if my moves are too boring (I won't do a certain thing).

We rarely talk expect to exchange what the girls did or didn't do. We keep to ourselves after the girls go to bed. We never go out without them. He is the kind that doesn't like to talk much and doesn't believe in "talking it out". Whenever I have wanted to have a "talk" he mostly sits in silence. Its more painful for me to put myself in that position than to keep to myself and pursure my hobbies or small business ideas.

When he does say hello, I can get angry and take myself away (which I realise isn't helping - but sometimes I don't even know what to say I am angry about just that I feel it and so its not productive to put that on him unless i can articulate it).

I wish we were close, I dream of falling in love and feeling loved. I know he cares for me and will help if I ask. Recently I have been feeling like I am not attracted to him at all, I know I originally feel for him because of his nature towards me. I also find that I no longer like the way he smells either (and smell is a big thing for me after my pregnancies).

He also needs a root canal but won't see the dentist so we never kiss (because I think it must be causing a strange smell).

He is a good person, helpful when asked and gentle with our girls, he can play with them for hours and he doesn't control me in any way, a good man/dad.

I just don't know what to do, I am feeling so sad inside, I don't know where to begin or if its all too far gone? Any advice, or perspective would be helpful, thank you.

Is there a big age gap between you?

50 is old to have a 2 year old.

He is a good person, helpful when asked and gentle with our girls, he can play with them for hours and he doesn't control me in any way, a good man/dad.

That is quite a low bar and I'm not sure that indicates that he is a good person. He helps 'when asked'? Why doesn't he just do stuff without being asked. And are we now saying that men a are good men for being gentle and not controlling? I know what you are saying, but I wonder if you would be better off on your own.

9 years

Maybe I could have written it better. It's hard to say nice things and be angry at someone simultaneously.

My mothers relationship with her husband was awful, maybe my bar is low, idk.

Yeah, I am 41. It took me 4 years to get pregnant with my first (started at 30 and had her just before 35) and then it took me a while to feel I could look after a second (as we have no family support) so I waited til eldest was about to start school.

I understand. My bar used to be low too. I think you could do better or be happier on your own. Good luck x

Would it make a difference if he smelt better and went to the dentist to get the root canal done?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Would you want your dc to be in such a relationship as adults?. No and you would want better for them. You need better for you too.

Yes your relationship bar is indeed so pitifully low because that is what you learnt about relationships from your mother when you were growing up.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what.are they learning here?.

Better to be apart than to remain so badly accompanied. There’s no love here between you both is there?.

OP, This sounds solvable.

Tune into The Empowered Wife podcast and see if you can find some similarities. It's about trying to change your marriage without talking about it.

Works well for many women. There is also a book by Patricia Love How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

"Talking" on its own doesn't always help, the essence of is getting better connected first. Have a listen. I think you will hear it's a familiar tale for many women.

Really helpful, any advice on what she should do about that?

Talk to my mate, who got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 63 (and she was about 40). For various reasons far too complicated to mention here, he did most of the parenting (he's always loved kids), and then his girlfriend died, so he became a single father. You'd think this would be a nightmare but, no - he and his son have a brilliant time together, do loads of stuff, spend loads of time together, trips to London to see shows, all sorts of good stuff. He's now 82 and his son is 19, both still having loads of fun and laughs, and a great relationship. Nothing to do with @Curlyfifteen's situation, really. Just a story I love to tell.

They are both visibly happy children. They love both their parents and find comfort in us both. I would say that we get on just fine in front of them and we enjoy going out as a family.

I really do think that he is a good person but that we have grown apart. I think we both find a lot of emotional fulfillment in our children which in a way has taken away from our need for eachother. I recall him saying that after the first baby was born, the child is number 1 (so not us). Which I didn't agree with because the kids will grow and move on at some point. But I think the feeling of rejection also pushed me to be like, if I am not your number 1 then yes it will be my baby.

I used to love being a little bit needy and letting him be big and strong for me, tell me it will all be ok. But now, I am in the typical mum/house manager/decision maker role and that doesn't really fit with being needy or wanting to be cared for.

Ideally I just want things to be better not to leave. But I don't know where to begin.

Thanks for sharing, sad to loose a mum but a lovely ending.

Don't lose hope. I think you need direction in learning skills - look up the book and podcast I mentioned - I really think you'll find a bit of an echo and also find hints in what you can concretely try doing. Be patient as change takes time, but start today!

There is a lot of support on here but at the same time I experience posters will be often be oriented towards leaving their relationships or questioning the goodwill of their partners. In reality we nearly all come out of childhood with some damage and some skills to learn as adults as we mature (and this goes on way past age 18).

Of course it is always an option to leave but there are other options. It is possible to both heal in a marriage, if your partner and you are fundamentally committed and fell in love once. It simply takes skill and time to rebuild trust. And it's been figured out by others in situations similar to yours.

Who owns the house? If joint, I would divorce

You say that he doesnt like to talk and that you feel uncomfortable trying to talk about it but honestly none of this will ever be solved unless you both open up.
Maybe you could write a letter?

OP l think there is hope here if you are both willing to try. It sounds like you've both lost direction and connection within your marriage.
You mention he's the breadwinner so do you work? if not you may be bored at home and understimulated.
You really do need to start with an honest talk, l know you say he won't talk things out but perhaps draw his attention to how important it is for you both to communicate honestly to save your marriage. Maybe he doesn't realise how unhappy you are?
Consider couples counselling or at least some counselling for yourself as you sound quite angry and could do with someone objective to hear and support you. Also he needs to see a dentist so insist on that for his sake as well as yours!

You have a husband who refuses to communicate with you. So any in-depth conversation, is all one- sided. You have no idea how he feels, what he needs, wants or even how he envisages your relationship long-term. On the surface it does appear you've grown apart and are going through the motions for the sake of your children. My only thought is to write him a letter, expressing how you feel and encouraging him to reply back. He may find that easier. Once children come along it does change the dynamics of a relationship. Of course your children's needs have to be top priority but equally your relationship can't be neglected either. There needs to be a balance. You also have to remember that this is real life, not a Hallmark movie - so being 'needy' and wanting him to 'rescue you', is not realistic. Do you have anyone who could babysit for you? You need some couple time. He also needs to sort his tooth out, leaving it is ridiculous, and childish.

Read the book suggested above.
Your husband is a good person. How about being responsible for your own happiness.
Cheer yourself up with doing what you enjoy, then ask him to join in.
Take up bowls together, go to concerts, garden etc.

Ask DH to take the kids for a dental checkup and also book him in for a check.
After the tooth is fixed you might find him attractive.

More sincere effort needs putting in by both of you.

You can always choose to leave later.
I don't see any advantage in quitting so easily.

I found this short video which explains the possible perspective of your husband - I'm not saying this is 100% accurate but it might help with understanding

Men may be silent but they're full of emotions

You don't have a husband, you have a long-term housemate.
You have very little experience with relationship with him only being your second person that you've dated and the first person that you've had sex with, in a lot of ways, relationship-wise, you have the same naivete/lack of experience that most of us had in our teenage years.
Not trying to be mean, just being honest.
There's something to be said for having multiple partners, and I'm not talking about a parade of men, I'm just saying, you get to learn what you can tolerate, what you can't, what is normal, what isn't, how you like to be treated, how you don't, with different partners. You learn about yourself, you learn about others, you learn about life.
And when you only have one partner pretty much, you don't know that it can be any different. And it can be.
So he won't kiss you, he won't have sex with you, he won't initiate any type of physical closeness. He won't talk to you, he won't discuss things with you, but you guys live in the house together, raising two kids together, and the kids seem visibly okay. But there's no love in this relationship, you're just two adults who live together with two kids.

You can have better. To be honest, even being on your own could be better. Otherwise, you guys will raise the kids until they're old enough to go away and start their own lives, and then he'll be about 65 to 70 and you'll be about 56 to 61 and you'll really feel trapped then, if you don't think that it's going to be all that easy to leave this relationship and find someone better now, I don't think adding 15 to 20 years is going to make it any better.

Even if he just sits and listens in silence, have you had a direct conversation about sex and intimacy? How does he engage? Do you feel like he’s hearing you? Because it’s one thing if he has difficulty expressing himself but it’s another if he ignores you.

DH is definitely more tired at 50 and his libido has definitely gone down. We had to have a very direct chat about my needs not being met (not just sex but hugging etc) and I wanted clarity on whether this was the state of play going forward or whether it was something he thought he could improve. It wasn’t a demand, it was more of a”this is how this making me feel” chat.

Tooth needs to be done, if he doesn’t have a morbid fear of the dentist maybe just book him in (tell him first you are doing it). Normally I wouldn’t baby a man like this but the tooth needs sorting.

Can you do something like ask him if he wants to watch a movie with you after the kids are in bed? Just to be doing the same thing at the same time but that is low demand.

I think you may have the ick though, thats hard to come back from.

I felt like this a while back with my wife. And I myself definitely suffer from the sit in silence syndrome. We'd try to have a serious conversation about us and I would have all the words in my head but found it really hard to articulate them. So I'd sit in silence. Resentment builds from both sides and that leads to nothing good.

Went through marriage counselling and that was ok but didn't help me with talking about feelings much outside the counselling room.

We found an app called paired. You both get the app and set what topics you both want. We selected one sex and intimacy option and some general relationship options. It asks you both questions each day and you answer or take part in a quiz and you can't see the other person's answers or feeling scale until you have answered.
We found it opened up so many conversations and I found it far easier to start opening up about feelings on there.
20 years together and we've learned so much more about each other and talked about topics we'd never have even thought of before. Honestly it has worked absolute wonders with us.

Yes don’t give up. Sounds like there’s a lot of good here. Get him to the dentist ASAP. If he has an infection it could seriously affect his health.
What are you doing to find the fun together? What did you enjoy before the children? You do sound needy. Put in what you would like to see in your relationship. Dh is probably content with following your lead on all fronts. Pretty soon the children will be off to nursery, school, activities. Make the most of your time together.