Feeling lonely and no longer attracted to my Husband

[Curlyfifteen]

We have 6 and 2 yo girls. We parent them okish together, he is playful and rarely sets down any rules, leaving it all onto me to manage/plan/organise/be the tough parent which is annoying. However he does manage the bills etc and is the breadwinner.

He is my second relationship and first sexual partner - we got together 20 years ago. We were last intimate when I was pregnant with my now 2 yo and as the pregnancy progressed he was a bit grossed out and didn't want to anymore. I miss intimacy and I don't know if I am no longerr attractive, if he is of an age (50) that things have slowed down for him or if my moves are too boring (I won't do a certain thing).

We rarely talk expect to exchange what the girls did or didn't do. We keep to ourselves after the girls go to bed. We never go out without them. He is the kind that doesn't like to talk much and doesn't believe in "talking it out". Whenever I have wanted to have a "talk" he mostly sits in silence. Its more painful for me to put myself in that position than to keep to myself and pursure my hobbies or small business ideas.

When he does say hello, I can get angry and take myself away (which I realise isn't helping - but sometimes I don't even know what to say I am angry about just that I feel it and so its not productive to put that on him unless i can articulate it).

I wish we were close, I dream of falling in love and feeling loved. I know he cares for me and will help if I ask. Recently I have been feeling like I am not attracted to him at all, I know I originally feel for him because of his nature towards me. I also find that I no longer like the way he smells either (and smell is a big thing for me after my pregnancies).

He also needs a root canal but won't see the dentist so we never kiss (because I think it must be causing a strange smell).

He is a good person, helpful when asked and gentle with our girls, he can play with them for hours and he doesn't control me in any way, a good man/dad.

I just don't know what to do, I am feeling so sad inside, I don't know where to begin or if its all too far gone? Any advice, or perspective would be helpful, thank you.

It is not her job to get him to the dentist; he is an adult with agency who can and does make choices.

OP - your H and you are housemates with children. Staying for the supposed sake of the children is a bad idea. Would you want your children as adults to be in a similar relationship to yours?. Likely not and you would want better for them anyway. You deserve better too.

if you look at data from dating apps most women are competing for the top 15-20% of men whilst the same data shows it isn’t true the other way around.
Im not being cocky or arrogant but I will share some home truths here from my past which will be unpopular.
I have had numerous partners single or married over the years and have always found it easy to attract women. Most of them I have not pursued but they have pursued me including married women I have had relationships with.
What I find quite odd is that almost all these married women are looking for a Prince Charming to take them away from their ‘boring’ or ‘safe’ marriage. I am no Prince Charming because Prince Charming doesn’t exist - just like Cinderella doesn’t exist.
Women are sold the fairy tale delusion from fiction that Prince Charming exists and is there to sweep you off your feet so you can live in total bliss for eternity. This is utter mind boggling delusion on their part just as men who believe a princess or perfect Cinderella exists. It’s utter nonsense.
What also amazed me is that many married woman I met thought I was ‘the one for them’ . I’m considered handsome ( by others- not me ), I’m over 6 ft, work out at the gym, a good physique , have a well paid job, I can hold a decent conversation, financially secure, independent and I’m socially aware. For some reason all these women then think I should commit myself to them even though they are married and have children.
My question is why would a person with to many option for that when I get exactly what want from numerous different token. My other question is what would I get from them whet I need? If they think I have things to offer they want almost none of these married women have any self reflection or consider to they offer anything I want from them that I’m not already getting. Why would I commit to them? Seriously?
I often tell these married women most of whom do have hard working husbands who care for their family to focus more on their marriage. Many of them then decide to do thus but some don’t and keep looking for Prince Charming and others then eventually divorce.
Most women are competing for the top 15-20% of men even if they are only a 3 or 4 out of ten ( and I don’t just mean 3/4 for their looks but their personality and things they themselves have to offer). It’s a total mystery to me why they think they deserve more? Very little self reflection.
I probably come across as crass, selfish and heartless- but it’s not me that’s cheating on my spouse it’s them.
I am now married with children and have been for ten years. I would never consider cheating on my wife even though I’ve had the opportunity to do so a number of times. Marriage is hard, sex drops in and out and yes you cannot be always sexually attracted to your partner especially if it’s long term.
Life isn’t a fairy tale and some women ( and yes some men) need to realise they are deluding themselves that the grass is greener the other side. The reality is Prince Charming and Cinderella doesn’t exist but there are lots of good people who are trying their best in marriages. Marriage is hard and isn’t always full of roses but it’s worth it for companionship and children.

also be realistic - no other man will love your children like their biological father does and won’t consider them in the same way. Just like a mother would not care and love children that are bit biologically hers in the same way.
I'm sure I’ll get lot of down votes for my post- but it is the truth