Husband lying about 2 female colleagues

[Changernamerjoker]

Found out my husband has had two younger (20s) female team members for three years, but he hid it from me and then lied about how long they’d been there.

I recently learned my husband has two younger women on his team. He never mentioned them, and when I asked, he apologized but said he didn’t tell me because I’m “weird about women.”
For context: we’ve been together 15 years, we both work full-time, but he’s in corporate finance and is basically unavailable on weekdays. I handle the kids and the house completely. I never call him, never check up on him, never question late nights (often 10pm–midnight). I’ve always trusted him 100%.

What really upset me was the lie — and then finding out he lied again. He first said they’d only been around a year, but I checked and they’ve been on his team for three years. He eventually admitted it.

I’m 38 and scheduled for a hysterectomy in Jan ‘26. It’s necessary surgery, but I feel like I need full trust in my marriage before going through something major. Right now, I don’t trust him despite his apologies. What do you think? What would you do? We’ve talked twice since Friday and barely any interaction since.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.
My ex was exactly the same. Lies upon lies. Scary how convincing they can be at times too. For me it completely broke any trust, I couldn’t ever believe what came out of his mouth anymore. Even in my new relationship it’s been so, so difficult to trust and believe my partner. My mind is so used to automatically thinking ‘LIES’
When he said ‘weird about women’ - do you know why he said this? 🤔
Really hope you’re ok. Where do you want to go from here?

I don’t think it’s weird not to mention them - I don’t bore my husband with work tales. Are you weird about women? Seems a very strange comment to make, rather than just ‘I didn’t think it was important’ which would have been my answer.

I don’t know. We have had a difficult marriage and although he has great qualities, he is a man child and that is exhausting.

maybe 10 years ago, I’d ask questions like ‘oh who’s that’ the if colleage was female (to be honest if they were male even) but he hated me asking about women; always has and makes out like I’m being jealous and possessive. I’ve told him the sheer level of freedom he has Monday - Friday is very unusual for most marriages and shows I am not jealous or possessive - which he agreed and has apologies and taken a lot on board. Well, he says he has. He is saying all the right things, but hasn’t attempted to hug me, speak to me or anything since. He’s just sort of quiet, in a hurt naughty boy, I got caught lying tail between his legs mode.

it’s up to me to make things normal - but it’s not, and this is our pattern. He messed up, I have to get over it. I’m really fed up.

Has he ever had cause to make you care about the age / sex of his colleagues in the past ? It sounds like a bit of past history is haunting you ?

Fair comment. No, I don’t think I am weird about women. I have a daughter (13) and as he is in a very male dominated industry I’d have lived for him to share with her/ us he has women in his team.

his job isn’t ‘normal’ sort of 80+ hours a week. His team is small and specialists, so I’ve heard lots about the two males colleagues, but not a word about the females. He hired them, and not a word for 3 years.

maybe I’m weird for being hurt by it, which I will consider but I am upset he has lied about this.

Genuinely never. Which is why I’m confused he didn’t tell me, and then continued to not tell me for 3 years.

I would never have to inform DH about men who work on my team, that would seem crazy, there are loads of ‘em. He would never ask, I would never feel like I have to let him know.

On the face of it, your stance seems overly controlling.

ok I’m listening to that.

maybe a different point. If your husband manages a team of 5, is it normal/ abnormal to know his colleagues names, or that there 5 rather than 3?

or am I just being weird about this?

He knows how I work with, and wouldn’t dream of not telling him.

My work is project based so there is always a new team coming together or wrapping up. DH would have no idea about who’s in my junior teams, not a clue. He knows the names of the seniors that I’ve worked with for years but that’s it. And I’ve worked on away jobs the other side of the world too (away for 7-10 days at a time). He trusts me, I trust him.

I think it’s reasonable to say you want some relationship counselling to work on your marriage and that he needs to show you he is willing and committed to that process. I also think you need to go into that with an open mind that you have contributed to a situation where he felt he needed to keep this from you. (I’m saying this as someone who has sometimes become a bit controlling when feeling insecure).
Honestly, I think I’d be more worried if it was one person, iyswim.

I'm confused why it matters . Did you expect him to tell you the age / sex / and marital status of everyone in the department ?

Useful Context and I appreciate you sharing that.

He works for an investment bank, so maybe 300 in the London office. He is the head of a small department. Very very little change in team (he’s been there 11 years) he complains about not having enough resources and needing more team members; I knew about the guys on the team, they have been there for maybe 6-8 years between them. I just can’t fathom why he didn’t tell me he’d made 2 new hires, 3 years ago and the reason he didn’t/ hasn’t mentioned them once is because they are young women.

he works closely with 5-6 people and 2 of which I didn’t know existed. I just find it odd. I wouldn’t never have done that, he knows who my employees are, he knows where I am and what I’m don’t.

I don’t get the same. Often he’ll text at 8pm ‘on the way home’ and he comes home drunk at midnight haven’t not told me he is running late, where he has been what he was doing. - this has been going on for our whole marriage and I just suck it up. Maybe this is why him keeping this from me makes me uneasy.

Re the operation

It's totally separate to the issue with his team members. You must need it for medical purposes and the fact that you've connected it to the team member issue is a total distraction.

I'm so sorry to ask but are you perhaps freaking out about the operation and connecting things together in a jumble because of this?

Re the team members

Be honest here. What's bothering you? You've mentioned that they're younger, so do you have concerns that he fancies then? Had an affair? Have you felt threatened before? Is there a chance that he's simply tried to take the laziest route- 'I won't tell her because she'll not let it drop, and I can't be bothered with that every day because I have to work with these people to do my job?'

I wouldn't mention every single colleague to my partner. And I wouldn't update them every time new men who were younger than me (and possibly vaguely attractive) joined my employer?

I guess it just shows he lies about things for no reason.

Would you have felt jealous had he mentioned them at the start?
Has he ever cheated with a colleague?

Reading the latest message you wrote while I was writing mine above - I don't think either the operation or the team members are the actual problem, are they?

Well, surely the last part is your issue, not whether he has female reports he’s never mentioned? DH works those sort of hours for part of the year, and is often away for up to a week at a time, but I don’t know the names of all his female reports.

I find it quite controlling that you want to know about people your DH works with - I have no idea about the people my DH works with and he worked away a lot when our children were young. It sounds like your DH didn't mention female colleagues because he knew you'd be worried/upset about them? If you are questioning him about the gender of his colleagues, that would suggest you have trust issues?

Often he’ll text at 8pm ‘on the way home’ and he comes home drunk at midnight haven’t not told me he is running late, where he has been what he was doing. - this has been going on for our whole marriage and I just suck it up

It's clear that this is the actual issue, rather than simply that he has female staff members in his team. He sounds selfish and like a bit of a shit husband to be honest.

So, for me these are connected. We had a conversation when I was told by my consultant what surgery I needed; about me feeling worried about loosing my fertility.

my marriage isn’t always perfect, and my husband is a difficult man to be married to. I told him, before I make this decision I need to feel fully secure in our future, as it would hurt me deeply if our marriage ended, and he gave our children other siblings, and this was something I could not give another partner and my existing kids.

He assumed me our marriage was forever; I can trust him implicitly and I need to do what’s right for my health.

it doesn’t bother me they are women or younger, to me it’s weird he didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me for 3 years. This means not scheduling calls when he’s (occasionally working from home) travelling with people I’ve no idea exists?

I just don’t do this, my husband knows who I work with; who I travel with, and I’m upset he has lied.

maybe I’m irrationally upset, and that’s on me to do the work; but I am upset by this.

Initially, I didn’t think it was an issue that he hadn’t told you about the females but since your updates, I can totally understand why this has unsettled you. He’s effectively lied by omission.
Oh and saying he’s on his way home at 8pm and then rolling in drunk at midnight? No, that wouldn’t sit well with me at all.

So he is not actually working till late ,he is out getting pissed .Do you think he is up to something?

No, and I don’t think that’s helpful.

I probably would expect, ‘hey I hired 2 people today’ and a conversation about it - as I do when I hire into my team. Not to keep these people a secret, and make it a secret.

so, I guess my return question is, does thinking it’s right to know who your husbands close team members are make me a controlling and possessive wife?

Given he has basically out of contacts Monday - Friday, no questions asked. Does what he likes when he likes with no responsibility to the home or kids in the week day.

On the face of it I think you are being weird about this.

My husband is a director of an architecture company and I don't even know half of his employees, whether they are male, female, what their ages are etc. I couldn't care less and he doesn't bother telling me.

His work requires a lot of meetings in pubs, or so he says. IB can be very much like that as an industry, but yes he is out at events, pubs etc all the time.

How many employees does he have?

things what I think the difference is. If he worked with a massive team of people, it wouldn’t be weird, but he doesn’t.

to delicately not mention 2 when there are 5 in totally I felt was weird, but the consensus here basically says I’m weird; and he was absolutely not only reasonable, but right for keeping this a secret.