Husband lying about 2 female colleagues

[Changernamerjoker]

Found out my husband has had two younger (20s) female team members for three years, but he hid it from me and then lied about how long they’d been there.

I recently learned my husband has two younger women on his team. He never mentioned them, and when I asked, he apologized but said he didn’t tell me because I’m “weird about women.”
For context: we’ve been together 15 years, we both work full-time, but he’s in corporate finance and is basically unavailable on weekdays. I handle the kids and the house completely. I never call him, never check up on him, never question late nights (often 10pm–midnight). I’ve always trusted him 100%.

What really upset me was the lie — and then finding out he lied again. He first said they’d only been around a year, but I checked and they’ve been on his team for three years. He eventually admitted it.

I’m 38 and scheduled for a hysterectomy in Jan ‘26. It’s necessary surgery, but I feel like I need full trust in my marriage before going through something major. Right now, I don’t trust him despite his apologies. What do you think? What would you do? We’ve talked twice since Friday and barely any interaction since.

I don't think you're being weird about women at all. Your husband is the one being weird about women.

My DH manages a team of people, his firm is largely male dominated. He has hired several women and has commented proudly to me about his department being far more equal m/f than many others.

Your husband is taking the freedom you have trusted him with and is shitting all over it. Total lack of respect for you and how hard you are working to keep everything going, especially if he's not the sole/major breadwinner.

Do with that what you will, he's unlikely to change as he has a very sweet deal right now.

I totally get it, OP. Your DH has deliberately edited his life to make sure you're not aware he's working with these women, then blaming you for the omission. I agree it smells off.

I think on some level he is gaslighting you - I DO know the names of many of my DH’s team. Male and female. I know R (f) has an issue with dogs, but is keen to not to give that fear to her kids. I know that B (m) is from Oz and I am never meeting him because he and I would get on so well and be chuntering on about politics etc and necking the wine that he’d never hear the end of it. If I found out that, having thought he had an only male team, that he actually had several women and that he lied about for how long, their ages, their existence even… yep, that would be an issue. It would especially be an issue if he NEVER came home Mon-Fri before 10/12pm, and given mine left at 6.11am this morning and will likely get home around 8pm, and still have to work, check emails at that time I suspect our DH’s are in similar professions. Unless your DH is a surgeon on late shifts, I can see no reason why this would be the ‘norm’.

I’d suggest you have been a little trusting and naive - you’ve hardly got a marriage, really, have you? But he gets to live the single/carefree life during the week and play at happy families at the weekends. I’d seriously soul-search over whether you want this form of marriage and family life modelled to your children, because long-term it’s damaging. Your DC will eventually wonder why dad is so part-time, why they aren’t important enough for him to come home at night, and it will shape their sense of self, impact their self-esteem, and mould their internal model of relationships.

I think the issue is he lives the life of a single man mon-Fri, not telling you when he’ll be home, and who knows what he’s up to on those evenings. Personally I’d be surprised if he hadn’t cheated given how often he is out & how little he tells you about when he is due home.

Not what I said at all. I know lots about my husband’s work: big projects, nightmare deadlines, anecdotes about clients and colleagues.

I do not know (or require that I know) the precise make up of his team, including gender, age and time in employment. And vice versa. Thinking ‘it’s right’ that one has that information is controlling and possessive.

You posted asking for opinions and advice, but you just seem to want validation. The fact that only a very small minority agree with you doesn’t seem to be impacting your opinion.

I think the reason most people are commenting it's not a big deal is because it wouldn't be to a lot of people. But likewise, it wouldn't be a big deal to DH to mention them either. Which would make me suspect there are some trust / jealousy issues here (maybe for completely valid reasons!). Particularly with your DHs comment about you "being weird about women"...

So I would assume that the reason he has kept it from you is because he thinks you would be worried and jealous so easier to just not mention them?? Not agreeing with this btw but it would be the only explanation as to why he's kept quiet.

You say in your OP that you trust him 100% but do you really?

I agree with this 100%.

He has purposely hidden the existence of two member of his team just because they’re women, and when caught out, has blamed it on the OP.

I agree with this. Thank you.

I agree with you OP - it is weird. People are making comparisons to different situations. Your partner talks about 3 of his team and not the other two and talks of work load issues. So he clearly is making an active choice to talk about some things and not others. The reason why is the key issue. It doesn’t sit well that he has made the reason to be a ‘you’ problem and make you feel uncomfortable or doubt yourself. It’s a him problem. If he has said - yeah it’s weird I didn’t feel comfortable talking about them as I didn’t what you to worry about anything - then that’s a whole different explanation and am sure you would have re-assured him and the discussion would have been over. But he has blamed you for his behaviour and that’s shitty.

Can i be really blunt here and ask: Why do you want him to stay with you forever, when he doesnt seem to want to spend any time with your kids or you, he's happy to leave all the parenting to you and and you describe the marriage as difficult? This feels like just a symptom of such bigger problems. Do you love the man he is now, or who he was when you fell in love?

So if a man talks about a woman too much it’s “mentionitis” and he’s probably shagging her, and if he doesn’t talk about a woman he’s probably shagging her? Ok… maybe he didn’t bring them up because he knew you’d be weird about it. That hasn’t worked out for him, clearly.

Often he’ll text at 8pm ‘on the way home’ and he comes home drunk at midnight haven’t not told me he is running late, where he has been what he was doing. - this has been going on for our whole marriage and I just suck it up.

This is what I would take issue with. It’s extremely disrespectful and I don’t get why you would just ‘suck it up’. DH works in the City and needs to schmooze quite a bit. He always gives me a heads up when he’s running late and he seldom comes home drunk (as he’s a grown man and can have a few drinks without going overboard).

You and I are of similar age and our financial situations sound very similar (both high earning, but him much more so, rich on paper, high outgoings, etc). So, I think I have a general understanding of your setup. I don’t think your DH is treating you very well, and the female colleagues thing is a bit of a red herring.

I have a feeling you would have had an issue with this from the beginning even though you won’t admit it. In his mind he was saving himself (and you) a whole lot of grief by not mention his female team members.

Your behaviour would have changed. ‘You’re going out for drinks? Are Kate and Meghan going to be there?’ ‘So Kate is going on the work trip with you?’

And suddenly you’re calling him when he’s on a night out and calling the hotel when he’s on a business trip trying to work out if he’s alone in the room.

It’s what men do, if you’re going to bust their chops about something and make their life difficult, they’ll lie.

i am so sorry you are feeling this way. i can see both perspectives.

i have a friend who can't even mention having a female serve him in a shop without an inquisition from his wife (stay at home mum, low confidence) about how attractive she was and then he ends up with days of her making sly digs 'oh well maybe if i looked like shop girl you would do what i asked you' etc etc. he gets emotionally dragged over the coals because his wife is insecure (always has been - possible previous shit experiences) but that aside its not fair on HIM. he now never mentions anything about life to her and has made his world so small he is barely living. He is at a point now where when my husband and i are in a group chat with him and others he darent smirk at his phone at a joke because that provokes a full phone check. "he must only be smiling at other women" .. the lad cant win. ironically he adores his wife and daughter.

if you can look at yourself and truthfully say you wouldnt be like this.. torturing yourself day after day about these 2 women ... then he has no reason to hide them from you. but i get the feeling you would have on some level ... 'oh your late tonight.. are you with the team, are beth and mary going to be there'...

maybe im wrong - maybe you would have been cool about it.

on the other hand, you are about to have serious surgery with no support and a child/children to support. maybe what you really need is for him to step up as a husband and show where his priorities are. money is all well and good and from the messages it seems you are financially reliant on his salary to live a good life with your family. but at what cost?

perhaps what you really want is to feel like his priority and not his afterthought? his wife and not a maid and child minder? you are looking for reassurances that are not forthcoming, perhaps this is where you need to start. redraw some boundaries in your marriage, demand more from him, tell him he is valued and respected by you and now you need the same. if he says 8pm it should be 8pm.

i think the minute you start to get your emotional needs met, this wouldnt even be an issue.

dont balance a medical procedure on anyone but yourself and your own needs. you cant control him, only you. if you are suffering - get it fixed and give yourself a better quality of life. we only get one. i wish you the very best.

Awww - I completely get it & can’t understand why you’re being labelled controlling or unreasonable OP! You’re definitely not. It’s actually nothing about you being weird about the sex of colleagues your DH works with lol & everything to do with trust & unfortunately a horrible little window into a reality you never maybe expected of your DH. Or perhaps an uncertainty as you don’t now truly know what the reality is. Because it throws into question the way his work & needs & no doubt stress occupies the dominant role in your lives, around which you all organise yourselves - at a real cost to you & sacrifice, carrying all of the load & caring for the kids etc. That you’ve also never complained about, being the team player & only striving to make it work (as we women so often do). It makes you feel like all of a sudden, you’re not maybe the team you thought you were because maybe the reality he’s been constructing isn’t quite what it was. And he’s kind of getting his cake & staying out longer than his corporate role requires & remaining in the man child role of not being the grown up parent, leaving you with all the responsibilities. But no voice or rights to complain about it because that’s the way his work is. I bet the culture at his work does demand a huge amount & I also imagine a lot of people in his field/industry subscribe to it in order to maintain /preserve it & the freedoms from their spouses & family responsibitmies it gives them. So he may be in the corporate trap as it were. But you don’t complain about that & have only tried to accept it. And I don’t doubt the high socialising, drinking culture is as much a way of coping with the demands of the role but still.

Why don’t you just make up for lost time & ask to be brought up to speed with his two new (to you) team members, that he presumably recruited, trained, managed?? I mean it’s not uncommon to have gone to colleagues’ weddings etc or met them at other events or know, simply by osmosis over time, about them from what your DH says about them. See how cagey or defensive he gets when you start to enquire about them - not that you’re unhealthily invested in them - more to see how he responds. And don’t fall for the gaslighting! I suppose it really speaks to the bigger issue of him being a man child & the inequity of that. This I see as a symptom more of that tbh more than any illicit affair or double life going on. Which isn’t any easier to deal with however 🙄. Good luck OP

If this is how you react then I don't blame him for not telling you.

Do you think he's shagging them or something and that is why he hasn't told you? Why are you so upset about this?

There are a few things that might be weird or not depending on context.

Unclear whether he actively lied about having female colleagues or just didn't mention them? Actively lying is very weird, yes.

I don't think omitting to keep your partner updated on the exact breakdown of your team is weird. I'm in a small team - DP knows the names of the people I've worked with for years, but I don't think I've mentioned the newest couple of hires as none of our interactions have been especially in-depth or interesting yet (the nature of their roles means it's likely to stay this way for a while).

But he's told you exactly why he's talked about the men and omitted to mention the women - he thinks you're "weird about women". I don't know what the background is there. Maybe he's right, maybe he's the weird one, but clearly something has happened in the past around this issue that you haven't told us. If you'd known there were two women on the team, would you have checked up on him more than you do? Would you have had more questions about the pub evenings etc?

All of this is a bit of a red herring though. It's a symptom not a root cause of a marriage that has been difficult throughout.

my marriage isn’t always perfect, and my husband is a difficult man to be married to

This is the real problem. Focusing on his female colleagues is like fussing over a scratch on your arm when blood is gushing from your head.

I would suggest couples counselling with a lot of focus on communication here.
I agree with other posters that it's not necessary to know every single detail of every single person your partner/husband works with.

I don't think my dad or mum knew the names and personal details of everyone they worked with unless they socialised out of the workplace or they specifically mentioned them in conversation.

However, when the majority of your husband's time through the week is at work and you do know the details of his male colleagues but he conveniently left out details of his 2 only female colleagues, that suggests something more suspect. Maybe he's right, maybe you would be "weird" about knowing he works with 2 women in their 20s, but he didn't bother trying to find out by actually telling you he was worried about it.

Sorry if I've missed out an earlier reply but when did you find out and have you spoken with him about it since?

Ultimately, this is where I am at in my head. Is this the straw that breaks the camels back.

Do I want to be with him forever, I can’t say I honestly do right now. I do want to stay for the children (13 and 8) and to keep their lives happy; secure and unaltered.

Am I happy in my marriage? No. I’m very lonely, and I make huge sacrifices in my own career to cater to his. I do very well in my own career, but can I do more - yes - if I had some support from him. That’s out of the question. His job comes first.

None of this sounds good, OP. You are making all the sacrifices. It's an age-old story. The woman limits her own life and choices for the man, eventually he leaves anyway. I'm not saying that's what will happen, but it doesn't seem like there is much of a relationship there. Who is going to look after you after your op? Have you discussed this with him? I also agree that not telling you about the female hires is odd. Nothing to do with control or jealousy, but should be a normal conversation. However, he doesn't seem normal and doesn't seem to respect you. You're just there to facilitate his life.

I’m 38 and scheduled for a hysterectomy in Jan ‘26. It’s necessary surgery, but I feel like I need full trust in my marriage before going through something major. Right now, I don’t trust him despite his apologies.

Please don’t put this off. I realise you must be feeling so bad that having to have surgery in the midst of this must seem impossible, but don’t let what is happening cause you to sabotage yourself.

I think people on here are weird, of course people talk about colleagues even if just in passing. I knew the names and in some cases the actual people who worked for my DH and vice versa.
Sounds like your husband is very secretive @Changernamerjokerand you've facilitated his lifestyle of doing exactly what he bloody likes. Do you want this to continue?
Is your hysterectomy for sterilisation purposes? If it is I'd hold fire until you're certain it's the right decision for you. To reiterate - YANBU!

You think he's having an affair? Isn't there always going to be females around him? It's your insecurities here l think.
More l read on here about marriages like this.. makes me so glad im single.. l couldn't cope with the stress and anxiety.

Nope, you're wrong actually.

How is it that some people are so blatantly missing the point here?

The context- the key bit you seem to be missing - is that he DOES talk a lot about his colleagues. How odd then that it's only ever about the men.

Weird that you wouldn't find it odd your husband failing to mention a single thing about the other two then, who just so happen to be young and female. For the last three years.

OP has said she's not given any real basis for his accusation that she's weird about women. I believe her. I've been with an abusive man who was very similar.

I think the noisy ones on here shouting about how unreasonable you are would actually be in the minority in the real world.

Some people are just cherry-picking information from your OP to make you look like the mad one. You're not.

But why? I mention work colleagues in passing, but I don´t give a headcount. If my husband had to save his life guessing how many are on my team exactly and how many are male/female married/unmarried he would be as dead as a dodo.