DH and his PhD

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Just over three years ago, my DH told me he was going to quit his six figure salary job and do a PhD. He said we wouldn't have any financial issues because he would Airbnb the granny flat at the side of our house, we were lucky to have some money from a relative which enabled us to make our garage into a studio flat. He set up an Airbnb type business I said it would maybe make about £40 lK a year. Then he said he would also do a couple of other things which would bring in around £25k a year.
He said that I would need to get a staff job as opposed to being a freelancer. This is so I could bring in regular money. We have 2DC age 13 and 17. At the time they were younger of course. Anyway it has got to appoint where in my industry things are getting very sparse. I did have a staff job, but the conditions were so untenable I had to leave it and although I am working a bit I'm not working full-time. It turns out that the income my DH is bringing in is probably around 35,000 which is okay. In total. But the real issue is that the money that the Airbnb brings in is what my husband says his money so it is his contribution to the bills which means that I have to pay half all the other bills. My argument with him at the moment is that because this is a joint asset (although he's set up a company with it) that money should be considered mostly joint because he does have money from his other side hustles. He's now telling me I'm not pulling my weight, but I don't really know what to do. I am going to probably be retraining next year I'll spend a year studying and I will have a guaranteed job at the end of it. I've had to leave my industry because it's been decimated by AI. But I don't really know what to do about my marriage. I took out a personal loan to do some things around the house although some of it was spent on luxuries - it was totally affordable but I had to leave my last job as I working till 11-11.30pm some days and having to go into the office for 6am shifts. That job paid £40k so it was alright. But my mental health can't cope with everything right now.

Do you have money saved from when he was earning his six figure salary? Have you always had seperate yours and his money? Did you go part time or take time off when the kids were little? Did you both sit down and chat and agree to him doing a PhD or was it his decision?

We didn't agree he said that's what he was going to do. It happened over Christmas 2021 his mum came over and they both basically ganged up on me - he said he could stay in his job.
He'd been in that job 4 years. Previously he'd been in lower paying roles - still okay money - but he was an alcoholic and there were many times when he would go off and get drunk and go awol.
Thankfully that appears to be over. To be honest I think knowing this could happen did affect my ability to take full time work. I'm lucky that I can freelance and still be respected in my field.
Did have savings - we have joint emergency savings but he's never given me access to them.

Has he always been controlling?

My dh did a phd part time while working full time.
Your relationship sounds very unequal and "separate" - would you consider splitting up? It's hard to imagine that he's lovely in all other ways when he's behaving like this

My family think he is.

LTB?

I think he’s taking the piss. It’s a joint asset. Go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand. Have you got pension information to hand? What was this ‘relative money’ you mentioned?

out If Interest, whose relative left the money for the flat? Not that it matters in terms of the yield from it, that’s family money. He’s financially controlling at best, abusive more likely. Especially with the mum “Ganging up” alongside him. Sounds a nasty family

Of course he's controlling. You have shared assets that only he has access to, or control over. He's also financially abusive.
What benefits are there from being married to him?
How do they stack up against the awful way he is treating you?

Is it a funded PhD? What does he hope to do with it? Is it necessary for his chosen career? I did one part time because I wanted to be an academic and I worked full time throughout. I also got and kept a job in academia as a result so it was worth it. But there’s a big difference between doing that and doing a self-funded project on film studies or something that isn’t going to lead anywhere.

Missing the point, but he set up a company? To do what? To hold what assets? I’m concerned you might have a tax bill on your way, and have made your house harder to sell…

Yeah I would separate.

He sounds incredibly selfish op, do you really want to stay married to a man who treats you with such contempt is the question I would be asking myself in your shoes.

Well obviously the air bnb is joint income, but in any case the splitting things up and arguing over who brings in what is madness - you’re married with a family. He sounds very controlling.

Is he on track for finishing his PhD and what’s his plan for afterwards?

Your DH is being very unreasonable and very selfish here.

He decided to lose the six figure salary, but it is not down to you that your industry has been decimated by AI. Working those hours would have resulted in ill health and burnout.

Whatever you do, make sure you retrain, so you are well equipped and can look after yourself in the future. Selfishness (him) can really wreck marriages.

The Airbnb is a martial asset. Does he not let you have anything to do with running it?

You are supposed to be a team and work things through together when things are bad. It seems like it’s a one way street that only applies to him.

It sounds as if he calls all the shots and you just have to go along with everything. Are you ok with living like that?

My DH claims I'm a spendthrift and I have bought myself and DC nice clothes. However some of this spending has been because I'm not happy. When he was getting really drunk and going off I'd treat myself to a haircut or a facial.
Until three years ago financially I was sorted.
This has been a wake up call - and I'm retraining to make sure I'm more financially secure!

He sounds awful why are you staying get legal advice fast

The Airbnb is a joint asset and they’re a doddle to run.

I’d allow him 20% commission from the income generated managing the bookings ie around £5000, and a set cleaning fee if he’s doing the cleaning himself - count those as his income. The rest of the rent is joint.

Because you could of course rent the flat via long term tenancy then he couldn’t argue he was doing anything.

Well he would say that wouldn’t he - but the reality he’s the spendthrift alcoholic who packs in a job for fripperies. You’re the one supporting the family.

He sounds like a controlling, financially abusive knobhead. Do you actually want to stay in this marriage?

It's not a relationship if he is making unilateral decisions without taking your views into account. Although it does sound like his previous job may have been making him ill which I think is a very good reason for needing to quit and do something different.
You need to work out how to communicate better so that you can find a better common ground with the finances. Do you know how much is in the joint savings?

The rental is a joint asset but the plan was that that would cover his income during his PhD, so I think it is not really fair for you change the rules part way through.

I don't really agree with people not having joint finances in a marriage but that is your set up, so you need to work out a way to earn your bit or talk to him about the unexpected change in your finances and work out a plan together to go forwards. Could you take on a part time job somewhere to bring in some regular money in between your main work so you at least have something coming in? Would he agree that as this is unexpected, it is a sensible use for the emergency savings? Are you paying a lot on the loan?

I assume if he started his PhD in 2021 he will be finishing soon as they are normally 3 - 4 years so this is potentially a temporary issue?

Divorce him is a prick and he’ll become even more insufferable once he’s got his PhD they always are

He is acting as if he is Senior Management and your are a junior manager on his staff. He is quite naturally in charge. That is until you start the divorce proceedings.
OR you have a full on confrontation to ask him what he is willing to do to save the marriage.
With him being set in his ways a softer negotiated start to a reconciliation is unlikely to take flight.

Your h remains an alcoholic.

What are your children learning about relationships from the two of you here?.

I would not stay in such a marriage because of or for the supposed sake of the children?. Are they why you have stayed with him till now?.