My SIL has hit me, wow

[Anna1997]

Hi lovely ladies I really would like to vent and some advice please. I will try to make it short as possible ha!
I am 28 and I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years, we have 10 month old twins ❤️
Prior to falling pregnant with my twins I was diagnosed with a tumor on my ovary and I’ve had my ovary removed, I am under cancer watch for the next 5 to 10 years as the tumour was unknown malignancy. I then had 2 miscarriages then the twins yay!
My SIL is the most toxic person I have ever come across, when I was in school everyone in the area knew her as the big scary bully. She is well known to be very horrible and toxic.
About a year into my relationship the horrible comments and digs started. We was all young and would go out drinking with massive groups of us as we all have the same friends (We are all from the same area in London, everyone knows everyone) and at the end of the night it would always be her that caused an issue with someone.
Anytime she caused an issue with me, after addressing it with her I just had to forget about it for my partners sake. He has a very small family so they are all quite close as they only have eachother and my partner hates issues!
Anyway, it got really bad over a year ago where she caused problems at my partners 30th birthday party which I organised. At the end of the party she called me very horrible names and made up some stuff about me to my partner. Of course he didn’t believe her, I didn’t speak to her since then.
I fell pregnant.
I saw her over my pregnancy quite a few times for family get together / funeral etc. Each event she said a dig to me, or a comment under her breathe.
I had a gender reveal party for my twins, and out of goodness of my heart I invited her and her girls as I wouldn’t want my twins cousins to miss out because of her. And guess what? At my gender reveal she ignored me the whole time, sly comments again, and was even rude to my sister and my sisters MIL. I was so embarrassed.
A week before I gave birth it was a friends daughter 1st birthday party, everyone was there, she walked pasted me and pushed my bag so I would notice. She said a comment about my partner buying me a car. She is clearly jealous. So yeah after that I knew once my babies were here I didn’t want her anywhere near me if she can treat me like that when pregnant
A couple months after the twins were born she kept ringing my partner saying she wants to meet them and she can’t believe I’m stopping her seeing them. They kept arguing. So again, goodness out of my heart I’ve text her and said I will be civil with her for all of our children’s sake, and she came round with her girls to meet the babies. We’ve been okay since barely see or talk to eachother but everything is civil.
Me & my partner went out on Saturday night. Our first night out since babies were born. We went with his other sister who is completely lovely, we went to a small event and ended up back on our local pub. The horrible sister ended up meeting us there when hearing we was all together as a few others joined at this point. The pub is 5 minutes from her place. Everything was going well until she had too much to drink and kept making stupid comments to me and about my relationship with her brother. Mine and his relationship is very good but she always wants to say something to get involved or cause a problem. My partner is so confused why she was bringing up these comments to me. So we ended up arguing, and I did loose it as I have so much built up anger with her, I was telling her to stop being so involved with my life and I called her jealous. Some other words were exchanged and she smacked me around the face!
Security removed her in seconds and made sure I was okay, my boyfriend heard and saw it all, he is in so much shock she reacted in that way and agrees I have done nothing wrong. He’s so upset
Of course they have had an argument and they are not speaking. SIL is shocked that he is taking my side?! She is delusional.
I am very happy this has actually happened as I know have a perfectly great reason to keep her out my life for good.
My mum is so angry, she has contacted SIL and they have had a fight. My mum has her own friendships with my SIL’s as she helps them a lot with certain things so my mum feel betrayed by her too now.
ANYWAY the advice I want is what the hell do I do now? Obviously I do not want her in my life or children’s life. But in the future what do I do with family event? For example, my other SIL’s son birthday will be beginning of next year, so I show up even if she is there? If I don’t go, do I let partner bring the twins? Will the rest of his family think I’m wrong for not going to family events with the twins, or not letting my partner take them without me? Then my twins miss out on seeing his dads family at events?
What if it dies down let’s say next year, and my partner speaks to her again? Do I have to now tell him it’s me or her? I feel so sad to put my partner in this position. I’m not saying he will speak to her again, but I never know what the futures holds, right. Please advice 🙏🏼

PS. Me and my mum spoke about reporting it to the police but there is no point to have anymore family drama and it is something I do not want to do, just incase anyone mentions this

Yes he did say this to her yesterday. And her response was like wow you’re choosing her over me? Kind of thing. Delusional. She told my partner to never speak to her again and he’s dead to her. And blocked him.

But I can imagine during this week she will start to feel very bad and guilty. she will call him randomly one day in the future acting like nothing happened and I’m not sure how my partner will react if that did happen. But I just know it will be very hard for me if them two become friends again one day

I’d law her. She’s smacked you round the face in public, surely not a complex case to prove guilt. What if she does it to someone else and really harms them. Might also solve being near her at family gatherings if you get a non-mol order. I’m no expert. Be the bigger person and rise above the bullying cow.

There’s no way my kids would be at any family gathering unless I was there as well. Who knows what she might say to them. For me, I would avoid all occasions where she would be there. The only way I would be looking to restart the relationship would be after a full and proper apology.

And yes I too think you should report it to the police.

Was the nice sister still there when it happened? I assume the rest of the family will have heard about it, what reactions are you seeing from them?
That would influence my opinion on the future stuff.

Nicer sister was on the phone while it happened and she heard everything. She is shocked and embarrassed for me. Nastier sister has also blocked her as she’s told her she is wrong. I spoke to the brother straight away in the morning before nastier sister got the call first and again, he was very shocked and listened to me. He also spoke to my mum. But I’m not sure what he has said to nastier sister. I’ve sent a message to their mum explaining my side and told her everything of how she’s treated me over the years as it always kept quiet from their mum. She hasn’t even had the decency to reply to me. Before my mum called SIL to have a go, she messaged their mum out of respect to say sorry but I’m about to go mad at your daughter, there is no problem between us but she has hit my daughter. She didn’t reply to my mum. She doesn’t want to get involved which is fine but at least listen to my side!

Anytime she is at an event I would not attend

I would not tell your husband who he can and cannot see

See his family separately from her

You will not change this girl - clearly jealous and a nasty piece of work - she will keep gunning for you so best to avoid avoid avoid

Thank you. I agree
of course I would never push my partner to never speak to his sister again, but part of me feels like a betrayal if he did? He saw her physically hurt me, so why would he want to speak to her again? But I know it is his sister, but I’m his partner and children’s mum

Im not sure if he will speak to her again but I’m thinking thinking what if.

Your partner saw his sister assault you. She's toxic and it sounds like she has an alcohol problem.

You can set your boundary. It should be no contact because she's escalated from verbal abuse to physical abuse and assault. You should report this because abuse will likely escalate and she was bold enough to assault you in public. I think she's a danger to you and possibly to your kids. Having a police report could keep her away from your kids and it's a record that her abuse of you is escalating.

Your partner should support you, but he could have shut this down long ago and he didn't. If he does, yes, you can feel however you want about it and do what you feel is right.

I would dump someone for being wishy washy and being fine with someone who has assaulted me in front of him. That would say volumes about his priorities.

I have a toxic sil, not as bad as yours but still, we used to be best mates, she treated me awfully etc etc. We don't see eachother but I do have to face her twice a day on the school run as well as school events as our kids are in the same class...

My advice, stone wall the b*h. Take a deep breath, throw your shoulders back and brazen it out. Ignore her entirely. Any comments, ignore, smile through it and do not ever let her stop you from going to any family event and such. Ignoring her is the biggest power play you can throw here. Good luck!

your SIL clearly does not like you or regard you as family OP - which is a horrible situation for you all to be in. I completely agree with PPs that you limit your time around her for both you and your children. However - a part of me thinks that if you let DP take the twins to family events where she will be present are you kind of letting her win? She’s getting to spend time with your DP and form a relationship with your kids whilst not having to spend time with you/ you becoming less involved with the family. Isn’t that what she wants? I’d be minded to either go to family events as a family or just DP goes alone - but both of those options could also result in issues for you. If my children had to be around someone as toxic as her I would want to be there to look after them

If any member of my family, even a teenager, hit my partner I'd not see them again until they'd had appropriate treatment for alcohol abuse, or whatever's relevant, and apologised fully. I just would not go to events until/unless this happened. If someone in the family was getting married, say, I'd just explain why we wouldn't be there if she was. What if the next time she hits out you're pregnant again, or you have a new, non visible, medical condition?
My partner would not have to ask me to do this-until there's a clear apology and reason to believe it won't happen again, I wouldn't see the person.

Hiya! Thank you, I do agree with you comment so much!
It is true, maybe if he put more of a firm stop to her verbal abuse long ago the physical abuse wouldn’t of happened. It just everyone in the family is ‘scared’ of her and if they ever say something to her she will be completely horrible to them.
My partner is not okay that this happened at all, of course he is not okay with it and he has told her that, and they are not speaking.
What would you say he/I do now? If he was to dole to her again in the future would you tell him he cannot?
not saying my partner will! I just want to react the right away so it does not cause any issues in our relationship

Yes this is exactly how I feel. If I don’t go then my kids don’t go, I don’t trust her. If she can do that to me then I wonder what she actually thinks of my children. But at the same time I wouldn’t want his family to think I’m being wrong keeping the kids away? And I find it really unfair and sad on the cousins.

It’s a really crappy situation to be in. You can’t win either way so just make sure you do the best for you and your twins (and keep all of you safe) x

but you worrying about what others think is exactly what led you to this scenario in the first place

your gut was screaming at you about this girl from the off yet you ignored it

don’t worry about what other people think of you as no normal person would think you are unreasonable for avoiding this person

I don’t believe she will ever change towards you - in fact the next time she sees you she would use it as a chance to abuse you in some way

just stay away, and I do agree with a pp who said maybe if your dp had stood up to her long ago then this wouldn’t of happened- having said that I don’t know if she would even listen to him?! She clearly doesn’t respect anyone’s opinion

Yes. This is exactly it. She will not listen to him anyway, this is what he tries to explain to me. But I already know that. She cannot do any wrong in her eyes and everyone else is to blame. She’s been like this since a teenage so deffo not changing her

I know you said you don’t want to OP, but I really think you should go to the police and get this recorded at least even if they don’t prosecute her. And if they will I would go for it.
she has gone too far. If there are no consequences to this she will just go further. If you now no longer attend family events in a way she has ‘won’. She has got you marginalised and pushed out. SHE should be the one not attending!
So, I would go to the police and create as much trouble for her as I could.
I would never see her again out of choice. For gods sake please now stop ‘being the bigger person’. She reaps what she sows.
I would attend family events and ignore her if I could and push back on her (as you did in the pub) if she starts. She is a bully, the only thing that ever works is to stand up to them. My husband can do what he wants but she would never be in the presence of my children without me.
If she doesn’t stop at family events, I would try to get a non molestation order against her and then she COULDNT attend family events if you are there.

Hi thank you so much. I really would love to go to the police but I just know it would cause much more drama in the long run for me, and my family, and my partner. Let’s say I have a order out against her, and her sister or brother has an event, they then have to choose me or nasty sister to attend? As they would never want to leave me out either. If I go to the police it would just make everything so much awkward for everyone. Which I know I should think about myself but tbh I would just love less headache which means I just stay far away from her as possible
you say your husband can do what he wants, but how do I manage my emotions if my partner does end up speaking to her again one day? I would feel quite upset and hurt, but I know it’s his sister. It juat doesn’t sit right with me after all she has done, mainly including trying to get inbetween our relationship

She sounds like my mother who was completely irrational and selfish. And drank a lot. Even worse when drunk. Impossible to reason with her and everything she did or said was beyond reproach ha ha.
Avoid as much as possible and when you get the chance, explain why to the family.

So sad your lovely friendly area is blighted by this woman but as you say it sounds as though everyone knows what she's like so won't blame you. It makes you wonder what it's like to be someone like that.

You can contact the police and report it but ask that it’s not taken further at this time. It protects you if it ever escalates. I’ve had to make two of these reports (stalking and harassment) for my partners ex wife.

It's all come to a head in quite a shocking way and you feel you need to make big decisions. But you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself trying to anticipate the future. Focus on what you can control now - that you are not going to interact with her any further. And try to stop interacting with her in your head too. Everyone around you seems to know what has happened so there is no need to explain yourself. Know that you will weigh up the best decision about each event at the time - whether to attend and blank her, or choose not to be in the same room as her. In the future you might need to remind your partner of how she's treated you, or you might decide to accept him having contact because of some other unanticipated factor. You don't know what life will throw at you all - she might run off to Dubai with an influencer or go under a bus. But you will have the choice as to how you respond and there's no requirement for you to set any rules now for you and your partner unless you want to.

@Anna1997 she behaves this way because she knows she can.

All of you enable her. There are never any real consequences.

Look at how your MiL is just ignoring it all? She doesn't even have the shame face she should at how her daughter assaulted you.

Please report it to the Police. Let there be actual consequences for once.

You are not avoiding drama by hiding what she did. You are giving her permission to do it again. Why wouldn't she stop the bullying and now hitting you? You are ALL showing her she can do these horrid things and you won't do anything about it. Even blocking her isn't working.

At least if the Police visit her, she will get a fright and think on what she had done. There will be a threat of prosecution looming over her so she will be on her best behaviour.

She shouldn't be going to children's birthday parties when she is not stable enough to keep her hands to herself! Don't any of you see that? She is a violent, aggressive abuser who doesn't care about any of you beyond what she can get from you.

Stop enabling her or this will never stop and she will escalate. Next time, it won't be a slap. She'll glass you in the face and you will be scarred for life wondering how it got that far. THIS is the moment it got that far. Report her to Police and stop all interactions with her. You tell family that if she is invited to the event, you won't be there. Make them choose.

Has anyone in her family confronted her with her anger issues. There's obviously a big problem there, I'm guessing once a bully, always a bully, the family sound scared of her. Personally I'd never see her again, what about if she lashed out at your children, she sounds dreadful.

I would go to the family events, but just text her like glass. stare straight through her bad ignore. if she calls you by name in a way that you can't ignore, turn and politely say "after you hit me last time, it's best we keep our distance" and walk away. you also need to stop feeding into the drama.
she was drunk, you started arguing with her and called her jealous, more words were said and she hit you. it's never ok to hit someone but I'm curious what those words were. why are you engaging with her? ignore her. stop stoking the fire. same for your bf. and your Mom. did she get into a shouting match or a physical fight with sil? you aren't a 5 yo that needs Mom to fight your battles, you're an adult and a mother.

Walford?