Should I give up on this friendship?

[KateMiskin]

This is going to be long, sorry. I have a very old and dear friend of more than 15 years. We have many interests in common, but our lives are very different. I have been married for some 28 years, have two adult DC. She is single, and is a caregiver to her mum. I am ok financially as both DH and I work full time. She is struggling a bit as she works part time in a declining industry, but she does have a 3 bed house in a posh area of London gifted to her by her mum.

None of these differences were important to her before. But lately she seems to be very bitter about being single and scared of being alone. I understand that but she seems to be involved in a competition with me about who has the hardest life.

There is nothing I can say- not even a suggestion of an activity- without her saying" Yes but you have a husband and children to look after you". One of my DC has a chronic illness so I have been more caregiver than parent and will always be.DH and I have had many ups and downs because of this, so our marriage is not as easy as she thinks. I am prerry certain my DC won't be looking after me. We also have our own financial needs, which she doesn't know about. We have a mortgage and private medical bills for DD. She has a house mortgage free. But either way, I don't care who has the hardest life!

I am getting tired of the conversation always turning to her bleak future prospects. I have suggested taking in a lodger, or trying to find more work, but she is not keen on either. I suggested therapy but no to that too.

What should I do? I have far too few friends as it is.

My knee jerk reaction would be to nod & smile.

She will be intransigent to any solutions you suggest so play dumb and change the subject. Any advice is probably met with “yes but …”
which goes nowhere towards resolution.

If indeed it is definitely more than you can bear, with regret you might have to grey rock her and eventually ease out of her life.

Do you still actually enjoy her company? Without 'but's' and 'apart from's' ...

If the answer is no you are allowed to end the friendship !

It would be sad ect yes, but just because something has been going on for years doesn't make it sacred and doesn't automatically make it enjoyable.

I slipped out of a very old friendship a few years ago. 30 + year old friendship.

We'd grown apart. The personality differences between us didn't matter when we were at school, but by the time we'd carved out our adult lives they'd turned into a chasm between us. And frankly the last few years i found her a pain in the arse.

There i said it!

With my friend like this, I’d get the same story over and over again and “what do you think I should doooo?” After years of being a free therapist who’s advice was very rarely taken I finally said something like “I think you should learn to make your own decisions. We’re nearly 30 now, you know what you want and don’t want..” Blunt I know, but I just had nothing left in my empathy pot that day.

She acted like she agreed but I got the ol’ slow fade after that. I was about 20% gutted and 80% relieved.

What has she said when you've discussed this with her?

Life is too short to spend time with people like this. I’d back off IIWY. friends should be supporters and cheerleaders, not competitors.

Btw I speak as someone who recently backed out of a 30 year friendship because of similar behaviour. I just don’t need it in my life

Talk to her frankly.

If she takes it on board - great.

If not, ditch her with a clear conscience.

I have gently said my DC won't be taking care of me because one is on the point of emigrating and the other has a chronic illness, so can just about hold down a job with nothing left over. DH is older so I will likely be looking after him. But she keeps saying that at least I have somebody. Which is true. I guess our ages are relevant: I am 53 and she is 59. The time when one looks back at life, I guess.

I do still enjoy her company, but she seems to often be very bitter. Example: we went to an interesting talk. At the end she said " I bet the speaker is privileged. Everyone here looks very rich and privileged". That spoilt it for me. I just want to have a pleasant evening without parsing everything.

She probably just needs tea and sympathy rather than suggestions on things she could do in order to improve her life.

I suspect that she just needs someone to listen to her worries, acknowledge them and sympathise, and it is more about being able to get things off her chest than asking you for advice on what she could do about her problems. Next time, rather than suggesting some course of action or other, lend her a listening ear and your shoulder to cry on instead.

I definitely have done that.
I understand the need for tea and sympathy for difficult situations as my own DDs illness is only manageable, not curable. And I hate people suggesting cures ( to be fair, my friend never has)
Anyway it makes me feel better to put it down here. She won't see it. I know for a fact she is not on MN and doesnt even know what it is.

She sounds very lonely, it would be cruel to cut ties, I think. I'm of the "nod and smile" opinion too. Or practice a Sybil Fawlty "Ooh I KNOW", while mentally zoning out a bit.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Also I am not really a cut off ties go NC person.
I should get better at doing this. That's what DH says. He thinks I don't understand that feeling of loneliness. Probably true.

I think you should discuss what's actually happening with her though. Tell her how you are feeling

Agree she sounds lonely. So If you usually enjoy seeing her, maybe see her less, and for less time? But if you no longer enjoy meeting up, and given the issues you are dealing with yourself, I’d let it lapse.

Today has brought fresh hell.
She has sent me a text accusing me of never asking how she is and only telling her what I am doing and how I am. Apparently I only respond to texts if they relate to me. She then says " I don't know it's an ADHD thing".

I checked our texts. There aren't many. I have responded to all of them except one, where she sent me an Insta meme and I just haven't had the time to click on it.. But she's right I haven't asked how she is by text. I ask people this when I meet them. Is this a thing required of modern friendships?

Never even knew she had ADHD!
I know you will all say " Get rid".

Could be an opportunity to reply and say you have also been feeling an inequality of empathy. That you’re sorry she feels like this about texts and have been wondering how to raise that you also do about conversations you’ve been having in person. That life is hard for both of you at the moment and it’s probably a reflection of this and would she like to take it as an opportunity to reflect together and move on in a way where you can both feel better heard as you really value the friendship and would like you both to feel good.

I texted another friend ten days ago about something unimportant. She didn't respond until yesterday. I didn't take it personally. I am not a big texter myself and I know people are busy with jobs, kids, elderly parents..

This is a bit melodramatic. She sent you a mildly whiny, accusatory text. It’s hardly a ‘fresh hell’. Just reply and say what you’ve said here, that if she looks back through your texts, you always respond to them, and carry on.

And decide whether you want to continue the friendship by the simple test of whether the pleasure you take in her company is greater or lesser than your impatience at her poor me monologues.

Ok. But can I ask if people are doing this now: checking in how all their friends are, if nothing serious is going on? I don't, except if I am suggesting meeting up.

I am away for Xmas so I will think about the larger picture then.

Exactly this.

Yes.

No. I’m not much of a messager, apart from with a few close friends who live on other continents. I don’t generally just text people to ask how they are, unless there’s some ongoing crisis. I will be arranging a time for a phonecall or suggesting we meet.

That's how I am. I get overwhelmed if I spend too much time on my phone.

If that's how your communication has always been, why is she bringing it up now??
From what you've said it seems that recently she's become more and more unhappy, also very bitter and jealous of you and random people like public speakers. You dont need to tolerate this crap OP. She might be lonely and scared of getting old or feeling "underpriviledged" whatever but she has no right to take it out on you. If she only wants to blame everyone around her but cant take an honest look at herself, that's really her problem.

ADHD can absolutely make you feel this way - paranoid that people don’t really like you. Feeling too many feelings compared to other people. She sounds very depressed too.

I would kindly reply that I understand she’s feeling down but she mustn’t take it out on those closest to her and rude messages aren’t something you want in your life. Tell her to read through the texts.