Should I give up on this friendship?

[KateMiskin]

This is going to be long, sorry. I have a very old and dear friend of more than 15 years. We have many interests in common, but our lives are very different. I have been married for some 28 years, have two adult DC. She is single, and is a caregiver to her mum. I am ok financially as both DH and I work full time. She is struggling a bit as she works part time in a declining industry, but she does have a 3 bed house in a posh area of London gifted to her by her mum.

None of these differences were important to her before. But lately she seems to be very bitter about being single and scared of being alone. I understand that but she seems to be involved in a competition with me about who has the hardest life.

There is nothing I can say- not even a suggestion of an activity- without her saying" Yes but you have a husband and children to look after you". One of my DC has a chronic illness so I have been more caregiver than parent and will always be.DH and I have had many ups and downs because of this, so our marriage is not as easy as she thinks. I am prerry certain my DC won't be looking after me. We also have our own financial needs, which she doesn't know about. We have a mortgage and private medical bills for DD. She has a house mortgage free. But either way, I don't care who has the hardest life!

I am getting tired of the conversation always turning to her bleak future prospects. I have suggested taking in a lodger, or trying to find more work, but she is not keen on either. I suggested therapy but no to that too.

What should I do? I have far too few friends as it is.

That's interesting. I have definitely been seeing more paranoid ' no one likes me" behaviour. She's always saying X and Y have blanked her, when likely they are just busy or have a million things going on. I don't know much about ADHD. But if you have never told me you had it, how am I meant to make allowances?

I have replied saying" Sorry if I made you feel that way. I don"t see where I have not responded to your texts, but I am definitely a brief texter because I prefer to catch up in person. Let's talk about this in person after Xmas". No response yet but am going to leave it at that until we meet.

She doesn't sound OK. Most of what you've told us suggests a person with depression, the feeling of "I'm crap and my life is crap, no-one cares and what's the point?" I mean, some people go quite merrily through their whole lives like this but, if she hasn't always been this way, something's wrong with her.

If you're able, the most generous response would be to talk specifically about this with her. That's a very big ask, though. It would be perfectly reasonable to retreat into a neutral "There, there" approach or to retreat altogether from the friendship.

It's very nice of you to be bothered enough to question this!

I don’t know, it’s hard because you don’t want to be that person going on about your ADHD to your friends. Especially these days. It makes you feel vulnerable. An eye-roll in response can feel like a stab in the gut, for example.

Lots of people with ADHD lose their friends because after a while they find them too much or too sensitive when they’re trying so hard not to be.

I’m guessing, but I imagine your friend spent a while going back and forth about sending that message, felt like she really had to and once she sent it regretted it because the thought of you replying angrily made her anxious.. Now she probably feels stupid. It’s a rollercoaster!

Your reply was good btw. You don’t owe her friendship if she keeps getting on your nerves, but if you’ve been good friends for a long time hopefully you can have a bit of a heart to heart and go forward understanding each other better.

(I’m more like you with texts, I prefer texting to organise meeting up and saving the conversation for face to face. It’s a chore for me to keep a text chat going, but in person I can think of loads to say!)

Re your Q about asking how people are - i wouldn't do it out of the blue unless there was a reason to eg bereavement. But i would when I messaged about sometjing else eg hi Sally, how are you? Hope all is well. Fancy the cinema on Friday?