Telling teens you are dating

[whichwayisup]

So I split with their dad over 3 years ago. Amicable and straightforward ish. No interest in having any kind of relationship until last few weeks when I signed up for on line dating.

I've been on a couple of dates and I've kind of met someone who I think I'll be seeing a bit more of. Nothing close to serious, just a weekend bit of fun when kids are at their dad's.

Anyway my question is, when do I tell them? They are aged 15 - 21..... I'm not very good at lying and they are very curious as to where I've been and with who etc etc. I don't want them finding out because someone else says..oh I saw your mum blah de blah.

My personal opinion is not until you are serious about someone, at least 18 months in. My DF had a partner who moved in after 2 years when I was 20. They broke up in the end. Probably moved too fast. With his next partner I don't think I knew for at least 18 months and they didn't move in together for about 3-4 years.

I don't think your DCs need to know you are dating, what benefit is it to them to know? Of course they are curious, but equally online dating is a rollercoaster, they don't really need to know about it. Just one opinion off a random online.

Inadvertently I wonder if it can make DC feel less important. I appreciated that my DF didn't tell me earlier, although even the first partner was a hard one for me.

I would agree with @GoodThings2025 if your children were young , but at 15-21 I don't think it has to be a big secret.

I'm not suggesting meeting, but saying you are going out with 'Paul' when they are at their dads is a slow way to introduce that you are dating.

Hi, hope you’re doing well.
My parents divorced when I was 2. When I was 8, my mum signed up to a dating website. I used to help her get dressed for those dates – it was quite fun, and I never felt left out or anything. I wasn’t very close to my mum, but we’ve always been honest: if someone asks a question, they get an answer, whether they like it or not. My view is, if you’re old enough to ask the question, you’re old enough to know the answer – and if you don’t want to know, then don’t ask. Your DC are old enough to understand; they’ve probably had not-very-serious relationships or flirts themselves, so I’m sure they’ll get it.

Yeah I have no intentions of introducing anyone as I'm not interested in a real life proper relationship, it's really just a bit of fun for me.

I think just introducing his name into the conversations is a great idea... I'm seeing Gary Friday. Think they will all be fine about it, just wonder if they would get anxious about it at all. Has anyone had any negative experiences?

I know my sister was very jealous of my step father when she was 10. It all ended well though.

I wouldn’t tell them until you were at least 6 months in. It’s not impacting them so why tell them. It may also unsettle your teen esp if they are doing their GCSE’s.

With mine I am transparent - like you mention, a name drop here or there. The only time they've been jealous is when I got picked up in the most gorgeous open topped sports car. Things are more blended now, more Modern Family, and I've found teachable moments for all of us through sharing snippets - from the way people treat you, to omg how much does that person text, to how you treat people, to talking dating dilemmas. All in secondary school though - younger I couldn't have taken the approach because there still existed the hope I'd get back together with dad.

I would say 18 months is far too long for teens. It’s difficult to keep things a secret when they’re at that age and they understand more of the world.
I don’t share anything unless they specifically ask me. And if I do it’s more about where I’m going. My DS doesn’t ask who with as he knows all my friends and frankly doesn’t care. My DD occasionally wants to know who I’m with but I just say it’s with friends.
If I met someone and thought it would last I might introduce their name as a friend but only when I’ve decided they’re going to meet at some point. That would be many months down the line and tbh I’ll be glad when I happens if only to stop my DD asking if I’ve seen my ex!
Don’t underestimate the attachment once they meet a new partner, it continues long after the relationship ends for DC’s, so choose wisely before you introduce them.

I was 4 months in before I told mine (16 and 13 at the time) and another month to meet - low key walk. I don’t think you need to wait as long with teens… they’ll understand that the person you’re seeing isn’t their new “daddy”. And if they only know the other person casually, at least until you’re very sure of the relationship, it won’t really matter too much if you break up. I

definitely wouldn’t move them in /move in with them for a few years though, and you need to ensure you maintain plenty of time just for you and them, so they don’t feel your new partner has taken all their attention.

Also, there are down sides to waiting too long. If you wait until you’re practically engaged, then it’s then more of an issue if they hate him! At least if you do it relatively early days, then if the dynamic really doesn’t work, you’re not too invested.

I’m going to go against the grain maybe; I wouldn’t wait until it serious. My mum ‘snuck’ around and it was obvious when she had met someone, and then she just brushed off our queries and lied to us which was weird. We werent offended by her choice to date, but I was offended by her choice to not to honest about it.

Whats the plan when you serious, you just bring this man home and he’s suddenly very involved when they didn’t even know about him the week before? Just tell them. They’re old enough. I was 12 and understand well enough.

I think after a couple of dates is way too soon op. Ive read so many threads on here where women have been ghosted after a few dates and thinking all was going well..

I’m a bit baffled at the replies so far. One’s been an adult for years and one’s not far off, and they’re already asking questions. The alternative to telling them the truth is lying to them. They don’t need to know details. If they ask where you’ve been just say you’ve been on a date. If they ask a question you don’t want to answer because it’s not likely to be a long term relationship, then just say I don’t want to answer that as it’s not a long term relationship? They’re not little children

Yeah, I think that's where my head is at... that they'd feel a bit wtaf if they found out I was lying to them. 2 are adults and I honestly don't think they'd care but the youngest might🤷. I don't want to be causing unnecessary anxiety when I'm not sure whether this is something I'll even want to carry on doing in a few weeks time (although I have quite enjoyed it so I probably will). As for someone ghosting me...I wouldn't care, I'm hardly invested in someone after a couple of dates.

You wouldn't care if you were ghosted then fine...but I was thinking more about your kids feelings. Would they be disappointed on your behalf? Would they be imagining you moving on to a new future and now you're not?

She’ll just have let them known she’s started going on some dates. I really can’t see how older children would be bothered about this if it fizzled out - they wouldn’t have even met the man, and the OP doesn’t care at this stage anyway… You’re massively overthinking this.

You don't need to wait 18 months to tell teens you are dating!!

You can always count on MN for someone to take caution to the ultimate extreme…

Just be honest and open about it - you're single, you're dating, you might meet someone you want to get into a relationship with. Your DC should be old enough to understand he concept of dating, so why the need for secrecy? Would you want your DC to keep their relationships secret from you? That's the example you'd be setting if you do that yourself. So be a healthy role model and don't keep secrets from them. Obviously they don't need to know about obe introduced to every date, but they'll probably be curious and want to meet someone if a relationship develops.

I don't get it when people say they'd keep a new partner secret from their dc for at least a year, or even longer, until it becomes serious. What sort of message does that give the dc if all of a sudden a new partner comes out of nowhere and straight up to full speed. They're either going to think you've jumped into something way too fast, or they'll realise you've been keeping secrets from them. Neither is a healthy role model.

Dont tell them anything.

They aren't daft, they know you are having "fun" on the weekend, id leave it at that, once you start putting names & faces to it, there will be increased pressure to introduce. and guarantee they will start snooping on his facebook/instagram etc

Honestly I think 18 months is not necessary but two dates? No

Not yet, only because men on dating sites are notorious for ghosting. I hope this guy turns out to be nice, but I’d wait until you’re sure you’ll be seeing him regularly before telling the kids.

Like, absolutely sure.

I should probably make it clear that I'm not remotely looking to a new future... In the same way being ghosted would be absolutely fine to me too.... I'm very happy with my life as it is and have no intentions of including a new man in my family. It's casual and just for me. It's really just the fact that I'm uncomfortable with the lies and subterfuge.

Thanks very much for everyone's input. I think I'm going to take the advice that if they ask I'll just tell them.

And I think it's my fault for not being clear... Is not really telling the kids about a particular man but more about dating men in general.