35, Single and fed up

[fedupofdating]

I went on a date last night with a perfectly lovely guy, but there just wasn't a spark from my side and I felt we had different backgrounds and personalities.

This is the 5th ? guy I have dated since breaking up with my ex (who was the first person i'd felt a spark with in YEARS but who didn't want to commit to a proper relationship with me :( )

I'm trying my best to give things a chance, hence this last night was a second date. But i'm not meeting the sort of men online dating that I am attracted to and could imagine myself with. It is like finding a diamond in the rough at my age.

I'm desperate to have a baby in the next few years, but I also want a baby with the right person. The pressure is starting to get to me alot and i've started having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety.

Has anyone been in the same boat and did things work out ok in the end? I'm just looking for hopeful stories now :(

Not me but it worked for a relative. She met her partner on POF. Now married with a 6 year old.

My cousin met someone at 38 and now has a husband and two kids (she actually now thinks maybe having kids wasn't the right life path for her but too late now 🤣... Seriously though she's happy enough)

Can't remember which app probably bumble as it was the big one in London at the time

What is it that gives you a ‘spark’? Is it a healthy spark, or a spark for people who don’t want to commit to you / don’t treat you well / press a button that excites you but isn’t actually a good bet for a long term relationship? The right kind of person is probably out there, but just check that you’re coming at things from an emotionally sensible place. A spark doesn’t always mean a good housemate, co-parent and friend. You want the sexual attraction too, but the other things are frankly more important in the drudge years of young children

Don't give up. And please don't make yourself ill worrying. Everything takes time, especially when it comes to online dating. You didn't mention which sites you are using, but from my experience, you seldom get success sticking to one site.

I remember when I felt the way you do. In the end, I met my other half on Foupster.site, and it all happened so suddenly. At first, I didn't even see him as an option when he sent that first message, but life can be funny sometimes.

I'm using Hinge mainly for finding dates, but have also tried Bumble in the past.

I'm just so tired of it all. The 'spark' i'm talking about, is where you both have plenty to talk about, a similar sense of humour, that kind of thing. On my date last night, I began to feel bored and like we'd run out of things to talk about.

And yes I am getting ill from the pressure and anxiety. Having a family is all i've ever wanted from a very young age, and it feels like the sand timer is finally draining out. It's now or a deep regret i'll hold for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, well-known sites like Hinge etc, are not what they used to be. That's why there are now so many other dating sites on the market. You need to do some Google searching. I know the Hinges and the Bumbles are always on the top of Google, but that's what having loads to spend on advertising will get you.

I honestly think meeting the right person is luvk more than anything, that means there’s as good a chance they’re on the sites as anywhere.

After I divorced (very brief marriage) I realised that I never wanted to re-marry or have children. That didnt mean I wanted to lead a celebate life! I was looking for what are now known as "friends with benefits". In other words an adult relationship which may or may not include sex, but no intention to form a permanent pair.

As the years went on I had several relationships with men but I was I, and not they, who was not willing to commit. It was a deal breaker for me. As soon as they began wanting me to get involved with their family or children by a former relationship I backed off. In retrospect I see that what they were looking for was not a FWB but a mother for their children or housekeeper.

I eventually realised that I was complete in myself without needing to be part of a couple. You can be alone without being lonely.

I've started to go to a lot of singles' events because OLD is dying. The people who did well out of it did so 5 years ago. Someone said POF? Seems like the dreggs on there.

OLD is obsessed with you paying high amounts to unlock basic features. Better to meet people in real life instead of wasting days doing the merry dance of online messaging.

How is your post going to help someone who wants a partner and child @Friendlygingercat?!

Have you ever thought about freezing your eggs? I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. Same situation, same kind of pressure and anxiety. It was really affecting her. She found herself getting into short-term flings with the wrong people, hoping she could uncover some hidden potential and finally settle down.

A couple of years ago, she decided to freeze her eggs, and since then she’s completely relaxed. It’s taken away the feeling that time is running out (your biological clock becomes almost irrelevant when your eggs are preserved. You could, in theory, carry them well into your 50s if you wanted to.

Once she took that step, she stopped searching desperately and began focusing on other priorities. Ironically, about six months ago she met someone who genuinely seems like a keeper, and she’s feeling much more positive about the future.

Obviously, nothing is guaranteed, even with frozen eggs, but it does take away a huge amount of pressure. You’re less likely to rush into something that isn’t right just because the clock is ticking. Could focus on hobbies, travel, new skills or higher education /whatever you like. Maybe find someone that way.

How is that helpful to someone who desperately wants a family and children?

OP I know it's hard but try not to stress about time, you've still got plenty of it. I know several women who haven't met the right one until their mid-late 30's who now have children in their 40's, it's much more common now. You're not as on the clock as you're making yourself feel.

I know it sounds trite and is repeated a lot on here, but could you try joining some clubs or communities that centre around your interests or hobbies? You might have more luck finding a like-minded person in that way than throwing darts at the wall in OLD.

This.

You're not going to find the right man when you have the air of desperation. And you will have the air of desperation, you need to remove the pressure.

Or go and do it alone. Sperm donor tyoe scenario.

Success story here, OP. Was single for almost 8 years and then met someone on Tinder at 34.
I had a LOT of first dates. Very few seconds, and maybe three thirds in that time. And one 3 month relationship. It was absolutely soul destroying 🤣🤣🤣

What I will say is, on paper, I would have turned down my current partner, as he had ‘deal breaker’ for me. But it turns out we are perfect for each other.

As a moot point, both of us were pretty upfront first thing about what we wanted (kids/ marriage etc etc).

It’s not easy op.

Where are you at in life? Career, home, friendships? Do you live in a city or rural/subrubs?

I'd had my children via sperm donation by the time I was your age. Met my partner, completely unexpectedly through work, at 35. Unconventional sequencing but I'm grateful every day it all worked out as it did.

Not necessarily saying you should therefore do similarly, but that's been my 'success story' and there are different trade-offs whichever way you arrange things... I'm glad I was able to wait to meet someone with whom there was a spark and absolute trust and friendship and teamwork. Having children was the most important life choice for me, which is why I did it first and accepted it might mean being single until I had finished raising them (it didnt, but it was still many years!). Ymmv but there's more than one way to make a family. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Success story here!

I was aggressively OLD for over 3 years... i was commiting 16 - 20hrs per week to it and was very much of the mindset if it didnt happen - fine O'd live a gpod life...but i was going to try properly and give it my best shot.
Because i only wanted children within marriage ie. Ruled put solo parenting via sperm donation. It just wasnt for me...

I met my dh at 34 going on 35.
I'm 41 and we have 2 kids (one boy one girl).

Worth noting in year 2 i really focused on what was important (humour, intelligence, kindness, integrity).
DH is 6 years younger and is "short" (5"8 so 5 inches taller than me) also northern 😅 many women wrote him off particularly due to height and apparently 2 women openly told him northern accents werent for them!!!
I wouldnt have matched him due to age for the first 2 years i was looking

It is HARD 💐💐💐
Tinder is enough to drive a pacifist to violence...

I actually met dh fully on the rebound from a guy who was a hot lovebombing mess 😅

My advice is to go on lots and lots of first dates, and not consider yourself 'dating' someone until.you feel that spark. And only set dates up with men you think you might find that with, not just anyone. It's totally normal to feel some pressure if your 30s, you're absolutely not alone there, but you are by no means too old to find someone you have high compatibility with..

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp True about the height. There was a thread here moaning about a man being 1 inch shorter than his profile. People were thinking that he was a serial killer for lying about something like that.

I think people are looking for absolute perfection on OLD now, whereas in real-life this stuff just doesn't come up.

You being desperate for a baby does bring a sense of urgency to your quest. I'm putting this to one side though, to tell you, and any other woman reading this ~ that someone can grow on you. I don't mean that an unhygienic, racist mouth breather will at some point become catnip, but a perfectly fine, lovely man for whom you feel no spark at first can surprise you. Please bear this in mind.

36 was my watershed. I hated every moment of internet dating and eventually realised that I wasn't bothered about a partner (I've almost never had the spark) but I was far more upset about not having a baby. I ended up going for it alone after a huge amount of thought and I now have a seven year old as a solo parent. It wasn't an easy road but far better than the people I know who are in bad coparenting situations.

You're doing really well right now in saying no to men who just aren't right for you but I do think if there's baby fever/pressure then you need to overcome that before dating.

Babies are not relevant right now as you are single (I'd argue, unmarried too. Not because of tradition but because a man who hasn't married you has arguably not demonstrated he is committed to you enough to raise kids with you).

You need to shake the baby desperation or this dating process is going to become a deep dark, draining hole. It's hard enough to date without baby pressure.

I'm sorry but you need to put a pin, perhaps permanently, in the idea of being a mum. Unless you want to go it alone that is. You might be wise to have some therapy to deal with the feelings of loss this might bring up.

I'm not saying it'll never happen. I'm just saying you don't want to waste the next 5 years of your life having panic attacks over non existent babies. Or pick a wrong guy in order to have them. You need to get your head in the right space.

Yep, met my husband at 37 and couldn't be happier 😊

Unfortunately I have absolutely no advice re OLD as I hated it too and met DH completely by accident at a work event when I wasn't even thinking about dating anyone else. But I guess telling you to stop looking / dating probably isn't helpful here....