35, Single and fed up

[fedupofdating]

I went on a date last night with a perfectly lovely guy, but there just wasn't a spark from my side and I felt we had different backgrounds and personalities.

This is the 5th ? guy I have dated since breaking up with my ex (who was the first person i'd felt a spark with in YEARS but who didn't want to commit to a proper relationship with me :( )

I'm trying my best to give things a chance, hence this last night was a second date. But i'm not meeting the sort of men online dating that I am attracted to and could imagine myself with. It is like finding a diamond in the rough at my age.

I'm desperate to have a baby in the next few years, but I also want a baby with the right person. The pressure is starting to get to me alot and i've started having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety.

Has anyone been in the same boat and did things work out ok in the end? I'm just looking for hopeful stories now :(

@fedupofdating But i'm not meeting the sort of men online dating that I am attracted to and could imagine myself with.

Surely from their photographs you can see whether they are attractive before you agree to meet them?

How long was the date?

I've always been an advocate that shorter dates are better to start with. In the ollden days, when you tended to meet people in real life, those first few meetings tended to be short and sharp, you'd meet them in the pub for 15 minutes while out with your friends, strike up a chat and that was it, a couple of weeks later you bump into them again and hit it off a bit more, and exchange numbers, and then have a proper date.

Or maybe you'd meet them in work, and you'd have a series of short conversations over the kettle, gradually getting to know each other.

This is why I don't think online dating really works for people. It's not organic. You sign up to this 3 or so hour time commitment that's part interview, but also has to be fun. How many fun interviews that last 3 hours have you been to? The concept just doesn't work. There are very few people I could carry on a 3 hour conversation with, including all of the people I've been madly in love with in my life. I've just spent 3 nights away with DP, we ended up playing cards in the pub on night 2!

If online dating has to be done, then I reckon short dates are the answer initially. Coffee, a walk, an activity. (It's tacky, but I always used to take dates bowling when I was younger, 2 games only takes about half an hour, and a bit of competition, can be really revealing). Anything over just sitting across from each other for 3 hours, over dinner and then a drink, both trying to interview and be interviewed at the same time.

Once you've actually had a few dates, and worked out whether you even have a bit of a rapport, then you start doing the longer dates.

Let's be fair, often looking alright on a screen doesn't guarantee real life chemistry. Or even actual in real life looks xD

I was friends with DH before we started dating, so I was never in the situation of meeting him for the first time on a date. But I think if I had been, that I might not have felt that 'spark' in the way you describe it. He is reserved with new people and the conversation definitely doesn't flow. But it does once he knows someone well!

If that's a reason you're writing people off, I'd advise giving them more of a shot. What kind of dates are you doing? Activities are often easier as they provoke conversation. Go for a walk while having coffee. Play pool in a pub. Row a boat! Just give people a chance to get over any natural shyness/reservedness before you decide there's no spark?

Are you casting a wide net with online dating? As in, are you open to meeting someone who may not fit your 'ideal'? As a pp said, if you are restricting who you meet based on criteria like age, height etc it may mean there's someone perfect for you that you're missing out on.

Also, the time that I genuinely, honestly did not care if I got into a relationship or not was when I met my DH. I'd done a lot of work on myself to know I could be single and happy.

It’s been 10 years since I last did OLD but I had much better results when I took control. I sought out men instead of responding to messages sent to me. Maybe you already do that. I also didn’t chat much online but asked quite soon if they wanted to meet in a cafe. I sometimes met a few guys a week. It’s hard to tell if there’s a spark online so meeting up to rule them out or in is useful.

I agree with removing any restrictions like height etc that are just wish list items rather than hard nos. I was put off some men when they had a desired age range where I was at the top end.

Good luck OP

I met my DH on bumble and I was only on the app for a couple of months! I think location is a big factor - when I was on there and living in a desirable part of London there seemed to be a lot of eligible, attractive men on there. DH and I were a little younger than you when we met but I messaged a lot with a gorgeous guy (never married, no kids, interesting, creative job, my politics, my humour) who was 39 and we’d arranged a date but I ended up meeting DH first. I do think you need to be in a big city to have success with it. I also think the way it’s used has changed - you didn’t meet with loads of people then. You invested time in getting to know someone and then went on a date if you connected, so you already knew whether you shared a sense of humour etc before the date.

I do think it’s worth persisting with but see if you can better filter people out before reaching the stage of a date - could you suggest a FaceTime first to see if you connect? I know it could be a bit awkward but means you’ve only wasted 30 mins not a whole evening if there’s clearly no spark.

I’d also join a local walking club - one of my friends met her DH that way and said it was such a great, pressure free way to get to know people.

I’ve never done OLD (too old, been with DH 36 years) but I wonder if you need to give yourself more options than just that?

When I met DH we were in each other’s sphere for several weeks before we went on a date. We met at uni and initially met at a society we’d both joined. We then saw each other around the place and eventually became part of a big social group of friends. We’d had several conversations and I’d seen him in various social settings before I was aware of a ‘spark’. He was the same and didn’t ask me out until part way through the second term.

My point is that it’s much easier to get to know someone in a casual social setting and it doesn’t matter if there isn’t a spark because you’re primarily there to do something else (hiking, climbing, pottery making or whatever happens to be your bag). It’s also less intense and you can let feelings grow naturally rather than having to do this frantic ‘is this a possibility or isn’t it? Shall I just move on?’ in the moment, as you’ve done all your initial ‘filtering’ in a casual environment.

My advice would be to carry on with online dating, but also get yourself out there in different social settings, enjoy yourself and wait for a spark or two to occur naturally.

I have never done OLD as it didn’t exist when I got married but when my (25 year) marriage broke up last year, I wasn’t sure how I was going to start going about things.

anyway, as it happened, when I was talking about OLD with a long term male friend (who was also separated but almost ready to sign his divorce, so much further on in the process than I was/am but had also not started dating), he made a move on me, and despite my initial freak out, I leaned into it and so far so good! I had never thought about him in that light before, (even though I always thought he was a good looking bloke).
We just celebrated the anniversary of our first proper date, and it’s been a wonderful year! It helps that I had already known him for twenty years, have seen him as a family man, saw his marriage collapse etc etc, so I already know and trust him.

obviously, we already had our kids so no need for that pressure, but I just wanted to say that you should keep on socializing and having fun. You never know who is around the corner and what might potentially arise!

good luck…