Adult DSD Turning the screw on DH

[Pemberlyhouse]

DSD is now early 30s. For more than a decade she has wrestled with an eating disorder and other mental health issues. Quite honestly, it's been hell. Mainly for her but also for us. There have been a number of occasions where we thought she was going to die. I've seen DH in absolute pieces over the situation and her sister is now keeping her at arms length because she can't deal with the roller coaster anymore.

She now lives on her own and has a job but her mental health is fragile. We know she is ill and probably will be for the rest of her life.

However, I can't help noticing how she works to turn the screw on my husband, almost like she has a need to keep him in a state of anxiety.

She will tell him how worried she is about money, how much her flat is costing, how she's saving every penny to keep her flat. DH gets worried and is on the phone to her trying to reassure her and work out a solution. Next thing we know she's off on another big foreign holiday to some far flung destination that isn't cheap. She has been on 5 foreign holidays in the past 2 years whilst pleading poverty.

She's tried to turn the screw again recently and my DH actually got really angry this time. I think he's finally starting to put two and two together and that actions are not matching what she's saying. When he got angry she hung up on him.

Her sister has told us she lies a lot and that she can't really deal with it anymore as she don't know what's true. I used to think this is too harsh but now I think it's just her sister's way of coping after so long and can no longer blame her.

DSD can't access anymore mental health support as she's had so much help over the last decade. I think she needs more psychology support but DH seems to think this is no longer an option. Whenever something good happens to someone DSD will have an episode and need help and support. It's like clockwork.

We are starting to reach the end of our tethers with it all. We don't know what's real and what isn't. DH has tried talking to her but she just won't engage in difficult conversations. Anytime she is challenged she will stop eating or start over excersing to lose weight. It feels like she brandishes her ED like a weapon so no one can challenge her on her behaviour.

It's so sad to admit but after a decade of hand wringing and ongoing support I feel like my sympathy has diminished. DH is exhausted with it all.

We have young children together and I'm dreading having to explain to the kids she's passed if the worst happens. It makes me so sad for her but also angry that she tries to manipulate those that have supported her for so long.

Anyone who can offer some words of advice or support?

there i Al Anon for families of alcoholics
is there such thing as a group for families of those with anorexia?

i presume you have tried BEAT?

Does BEAT support families? Apols daft question

Rather than seeing it as a bid to control him, I would wonder if she only feels loved and cared for and held when someone is feeling worried about her. Possibly through a lot of time unwell when younger. Possibly through other factors in her personality or upbringing that didn't make her feel loved or looked after at other times.

I would say DH should try openly expressing love and care but with the boundaries and low expressed emotions, "oh I'm sorry you're feeling stressed about it love, that sounds hard for you. I saw you had a holiday booked - do you need support with budgeting so you can avoid the same situation again? I love you so I don't want to see you so stressed about money".

Eg I love you, I care, but I am not personally super emotive about this and it's not my responsibility to fix

So she's got an eating disorder and moans about money and your husband worries about that, and her sister thinks she lies. I'm not sure what the issue is here, unless you're saying she's lying about the ED. Not sure how any of what you've described is "turning the screw" you don't sound too found of her, even her possibly passing away is only a concern for how you'll tell your own children. Would you have this attitude if it was your own darling children in the future??

Deleted as for some reason it posted it again.

I think you are being a bit unfair.

Would you have this attitude if it was your own darling children in the future??

I can categorically tell you with experience that even parents of children with chronic, persistent eating disorders who can not or will not engage with the available services, which is a huge postcode lottery, limited beds in specialist inpatient facilities, who might have spent time in general wards with patients of mixed need and diagnosis and staff that are not mental health or eating disorder trained get absolutely fed up of how this impacts their lives.

We have been going 15 years now, over the past 24 months she has had 3 sections which could only be initiated after a significant amount of frantic worry, paramedic call outs for collapses, such low phosphate levels that her heart stopped, to be put on a ward where they didn't take into consideration our concerns about water loading, hiding things in pockets to give the illusion of weighing more, the increase in exercise and restriction upon discharge, the verbal abuse, the property damage etc and feeling like you've got to walk on eggshells.

The wreckless money spending because it makes them feel in control, then the money worry because situations get out of control, more restrictions on eating.

The constant worry then reassuring yourself that the person you love is still in there and they are fighting this gremlin on their back that controls their lives and the sympathy you pour to them, only to have it turned round and feel like they're not fighting this gremlin at all, they are welcoming them in and the person you know and love isn't there anymore and the guilt you feel if they start restricting again because of lifes natural choices and consequences that are unavoidable and must be made which inevitably means change and a loss of control.

The OP isn't wrong for feeling how she does. She loves her husband and she can see that when her DSD feels out of control, she seizes that control back by emotionally manipulating others, buy that is causing pain and trauma to someone else she loves. It is a vicious triangulation where the OPs husband feels he can make no right choice in because he also loves his daughter.

If someone was hurting somebody you loved you would also find it hard to like them, even if the reason they were doing it was pathologically difficult for them to stop doing, even if it was someone you were also related to.

My sister is anorexic, now in her 40s, and has had every treatment and therapy imaginable for over 20 years.

She is also highly controlling and manipulative. I assume that whatever is driving her need to rigidly control her own eating and weight is also driving her to control other people, but after a couple of decades of it I am just done and have no more compassion or sympathy left.

I also have young children who I need to protect - it’s not good for them to be in her orbit.

My current approach is low contact, quite brisk matter of fact advice about problems, not getting into any emotional discussions.

It feels quite brutal at times, and I know other relatives think I should be much more involved or available to her. But the reality is I spent 20 years trying to help, and it didn’t help (or didn’t help enough to fix anything) but it did seriously damage my own life, my career, my relationships etc, so now I am not going to set myself on fire to try and keep her warm.

Maybe she’ll find other ways to cope, maybe she won’t, but in the meantime the rest of my life will be much better.

I think that’s naive. She could very easily (from the sounds of it) be using her ED as a tool to get sympathy/what she wants

It’s very difficult to tread the line between support and enabling (think someone else said that earlier). Parents have to find that line or their own life (& the lives of other children or other family members) become horribly impacted as well. You can feel
like you are always letting someone down

This is an adult. The harsh reality is she will only get better if and when she wants to. It will be hard work, which is why she has to want it & have the motivation to engage with what is available. No-one can do it for her - all they can do is be there ready for when she does want to make changes, while protecting other family members they are responsible for and themselves as best they can.

Watching someone you love nearly die repeatedly because of the choices they make is not just a bit of worry. It can take over your life.

My mum is exactly like this, even down to the eating disorder and lying about money. I had to have a think and double check that I don’t have a step-nan 😂😂😂 my advice would be to step away as far as you can. I no longer have contact with my mum. She’s had all the help anyone could possibly have but she loves living in chaos and your DSD sounds the same. Your husband needs to cut the cord.

If you knock a plate off a sideboard and it smashes on the floor, your intentions may not have been to smash the plate, but the outcome is the same. Cause and effect.

I had a very good friend who wasn't intentionally looking to cause people pain, It was a result of her eating disorder and her poor mental health. However, even though it wasn't overtly intentional, the outcome was still the same - people were broken by the behaviour, and no internal justification that their mental health issues and eating disorders were driving this behaviour could fix the brokenness.

The desire to control, lie and conspire and pit people against each other and manipulate - were based on a deep deep rooted need for control. And in the end, not unsimilar to the OP - being repeatedly broken even if it was unintended, is still broken, and to preserve the parts of you that are still whole. Sometimes you have to step back.

It makes me feel better that she immediately, on being presented with boundaries, grasped on to somebody else to fill the void that our long friendship left, and that sounds weird, but it means that it wasn't me that she needed, it was the void to be filled and anybody would do.

It kind of absolved me of guilt in a weird way

To get in the position of the setting of boundaries mentioned above - I reviewed a website that told you how to deal with the narcissistic personality disorder which didn't relate to her specifically but it did have steps on how to set boundaries for yourself how to manage the boundaries, most importantly it had insight on how to deal with the guilt of the situation and there was a step-by-step plan that you wrote out on what you wanted to achieve, how you were going to achieve it, what are you going to put in place to protect your boundaries From being pushed ( which they will do) and what you were going to say to yourself when you felt guilty - I did go looking for this website recently in relation to another matter and sadly doesn't exist any more but there may be others out there)

Sorry if I missed this- is her DM in the picture?

I was going to say maybe the financial worries are real but it sounds like they aren't.

My only advice is I think your DH needs to practise stoicism and steer her to focus on the positives. I don't think getting angry is going to be healthy long term for his health.

In terms of her ED, that needs professional help. I don't know why but younger people don't always pay for or access the help they need.