Is my DD too emotionally dependent on me?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Looking for a bit of crowd wisdom. My DD (14) and I are very close: I split from her father when she was 3 and it was just me and her for a long time. We now both live with my partner who I met when she was six but we didn't move in together until two years ago. They get on fine but she's obviously much closer to me.

We've always been super close and spent a lot of time together. She's a lovely girl, I adore her. She's bright, kind, doing OK at school, generally respectful and considerate (although she has her moments like most teenagers). Hasn't given me any trouble really beyond the occasional tantrum and being untidy and disorganised. She's a bit "young" for her age in some ways: has shown no interest at all in boys or girls (that I know of), not really interested in going out or clothes, very relaxed about spending time at home etc but has a couple of good friends and seems comfortable in her own skin.

But she's still very dependent on me for a lot of things. For example, we do a volunteering activity on Sunday mornings together, we've done it for a year. I'm really happy she enjoys it and have encouraged it but I also think it would be good if she started doing it on her own (not least because I'd like the odd lie-in) and she said she had no interest in doing it without me. I've had to go out in the evening for work a couple of times this week and she was quite annoyed with me about this. On both occasions there was someone with her: on the first incident my partner, on the second a babysitter, so she wasn't alone at all, but she's commented that I shouldn't go out more than once a week. I generally don't, but there are times when its necessary and I've explained this to her.

A friend commented recently to me that by 14 she should be more independent than she is and should be "rebelling" a bit and more able to cope with things without me and I should be pushing her to be more resilient.

I'm torn on this: I think my friend has a point: I was more independent at this age (to the point that I was going out on my own a lot). But I don't want to force her to go at a pace she's not comfortable with and push her into things she doesn't want to do. I'm secretly a bit relieved she isn't interested in going out drinking or picking up boys or anything like this so it suits me but I'm worried that she may be a bit socially delayed or anxious.

Any advice? Is this fairly normal or should I be concerned?

I have one very similar, but older. I’ve decided to let her go at her own pace.
The one thing that struck me was that, from what you’ve written, she sounds a bit controlling, telling you how often you can go out. I think I’d be making a point of going out more until she gets used to it.

Thanks. I sat her down and gave her a bit of a talking to about this: I have a job which requires networking and social stuff. I don’t go out often by any means but its non negotiable that I do it sometimes.

I think possibly you are right: I need to get her used to the idea that I sometimes have to go out in the evening and thats how it is.

I think on the one hand this is fine, she may just be a bit behind on the growing up emotionally side of things, at 14 I had to be independent, but it wasn’t a choice. But she can’t tell you not to go out, that’s crossing a line, she doesn’t get to dictate. She doesn’t get to run your life, knowing she can get by without you for a few hours is healthy. Assuming she gets on well with the DP and no issues there you need to be a bit firmer on the having your own life front.

Some kids take longer than others to develop. But that doesn’t mean you should curtail your activities (which actually seem pretty tame). My own perfectly sociable dd took years to stop staying awake when I went to parent committee meetings.

Your dd is certainly old enough to manage to learn you have a life sometimes. But, that being said, her brain is probably just in the waiting period for the next growth spurt. One day, she will surprise you with the leap in development that she takes.

I would ignore what anyone says about what your DD should or shouldn’t be doing. Many teens are perfectly happy not hanging around street corners, drinking or show no interest in make up / clothe. This is fine. Some will be interested in sport or cadets of just studying or reading books and all of this is fine. I have experience of person like this saying someone should be doing “x y z” and it is very narrow minded to think people should behave in the same way.

However at 14 she should be confident and capable to be left for an evening and getting a babysitter for a 14 year old is unusual. Many 14 year olds are babysitters themselves. Is she happy to be left with your partner?

I think she could do with more independence. We have an only so were super aware of this and found some clubs she could be dropped off to by herself so at 5 she was going to an art club where we would drop her off for 2 hours, stuff like that. There is nothing wrong with being a homebody at all, but she does need to be able to be somewhere without you otherwise she will struggle. At 14 she shouldn’t need a babysitter and she definitely doesn’t get to dictate how many evenings a week you are out for.

What I would worry about is later on she may experience a failure to launch if she doesn’t start separating from you a little now.

That all sounds fine to me. Teens are just people - all sorts! She sounds lovely wanting to spend time volunteering and with you and her friends.

She doesn't get to decide whether you go out. Actually it's good for dc to see parents leading fulfilling lives with friends and interests. It's a role model for them.

I do an activity with my young adult dd. She’s made clear she isn’t interested in doing it without me, ie she’s not interested in it for it’s own sake, it’s something we do together.

(my DS has plenty she does on her own).

i wouldn’t worry overly, but it does sound a little bit as if she is dependent on you. Does she go out and do her own activities?

Some women never develop an interest in clothes or going out! They are often among the more productive members of society.

Actually you need to get her used to the idea that you WANT to go out, not just that you HAVE to go out. Too many people today are given the impression that anything work related is a chore & that's feeding into wider attitudes.

As for your 14 year old, many teenagers don't show more than a fleeting interest in relationships until they're much older. It's not unusual. We're too used to seeing the sexualisation of teenagers and young adult girls with our obsession with celebrity culture. There's nothing wrong with sitting back and letting it all go on around us.

Regarding the baby sitter, yes it’s unusual at 14, but my own DD wouldn’t be in the house on her own in the dark at that age, so I can see why it might be necessary.

@HewasH2O

As for your 14 year old, many teenagers don't show more than a fleeting interest in relationships until they're much older. It's not unusual. We're too used to seeing the sexualisation of teenagers and young adult girls with our obsession with celebrity culture. There's nothing wrong with sitting back and letting it all go on around us.

Absolutely: don't get me wrong I'm quite relieved and pleased that she isn't overly bothered about all this. I feel my generation (teenager in the late 80s) was pushed into finding "boyfriends" far too young: I lost my virginity at 15, which I now regret and I think too much focus on this is an unwelcome and potentially dangerous distraction. To be really clear, I don't want that for her and I'm not pushing or even implying that she should want that now.

I guess I'm just conscious that some of her peers are embarking on this and I want to understand what normal is.

She's fine with my partner, and in fact fine being on her own, she's done it a couple of times until 8-9pm but I think she has a sense that its much nicer to be at home with me.

Its possible I slightly created this. My ex husband was abusive to me and for a period of time was subject to a domestic violence non-molestation order so when she was much younger I was very careful to limit going out in the evening and she always had a regular babysitter. It's possible I've been a bit over-protective.

I agree! And as previously stated I'm quietly grateful of this.

I guess it's just very different from how I was at that age (which is no bad thing).

Maybe it's not about you going out in the evenings as such but more about being left in care of adults she is not comfortable being alone with. For whatever reason: she doesn't like them or trust them or she simply feels lost without you in company of other adults. Are there any adults she feels completely safe and comfortable with such as grandparents?

My daughter sounds exactly like yours, she is nearly 13.
i am trying to go at her pace and I think when she feels confident enough she will get more independent (I hope)
im scared if I push her she will feel like I’m pushing away which I wouldn’t want.
its hard

She’s fine with my partner and we have a longstanding babysitter who she likes a lot so I don’t think its that.

All her grandparents are dead except one who lives overseas so that isn’t an option. I have siblings but bobe live near me.

Her godmother lives locally so she’s always available but she has her own kids and obviously I have to be respectful of her time.

"A friend commented recently to me that by 14 she should be more independent than she is and should be "rebelling" a bit and more able to cope with things without me and I should be pushing her to be more resilient."

You seem to have a good relationship with your DD. The problem is this ear worm of doubt from a friend - please don't go off down that rabbit hole, I've fallen victim to that sort of thing before. Stay close to her, enjoy the happy relationship.

I don't think there's really any 'by 14' to adhere to, my daughter is nearly 11 and I absolutely don't expect her to be as independent as I was at 14. My upbringing was very different to hers and she's developing very very differently to me.

Judge your relationship with your daughter by your own standards, theres nothing 'wrong' there - many mothers and daughters would love what you have also. As mentioned the only slightly alarming thing is her annoyance when you go out. Other than that she clearly loves spending time with you so if you're happy to let her go as she is, I would. I actually have a friend from school, in her 40s now, and she still always does everything, for example most of her travelling, with her mum (she does have friends etc as well). It's really sweet.

I have a ds who had no interest in being more independent at 14. We cycled together, practiced martial arts, swam.

He didn't branch out on his own until 16. Now 17, he has a Saturday job and friends and barely spends any time with me at all. He's too busy and self contained.

They mature at different rates. I'd let her set her own timescale.

Mines a bit older but incredibly emotionally dependent on me.

I've had to go out in the evening for work a couple of times this week and she was quite annoyed with me about this. On both occasions there was someone with her: on the first incident my partner, on the second a babysitter

I'm a bit shocked at a 14-year-old needing a babysitter. A 14-year-old should be capable of being at home on her own for a few hours in the evening.

I wouldn't worry in the slightest about her not being into clothes/boys/going out a lot. Lots of teenagers aren't, and it's fine. But I would be a bit concerned that she's whining about you going out, can't be at home on her own for an evening and won't do her mystery hobby without you at the weekend. I think at 14 you'd expect a kid to be relishing a bit of time to themselves in the house, really.

She doesn't need to 'rebel' but she probably does need to become a bit more confident and/or resilient, I think.

Yeah the needing a babysitter at 14 is very odd, and infantilising. Hell at 14 my dc WAS the babysitter! I’d suggest you and your dp start doing weekly date nights and leaving her home alone.

She’s been home alone a couple of times until 8-9pm and she’s been fine.

The babysitter was because I was at an awards dinner and knew I couldn’t get home any earlier than midnight and my DP was at a work thing several hundred miles away. I wouldn’t do that on an ordinary weekday evening.

I think it’s fine. And probably well within ‘normal’ bounds what ever that means.

but what do you (and her) hope her future will look like. Because if it’s going to uni at 18 and living away from home then she’s perhaps in for a bit of a shock. If it’s getting a job it sounds like she wouldn’t be ready for that either. Even if you don’t know for sure that’s in her future I think you need to be preparing her for it so she can make an informed choice about whether that is what she wants. Because no doubt now she’ll say it’s not what she wants because it’s so alien and probably doesn’t feel attainable for her.

let’s face it, independence is massively empowering for teens. Do you want to empower your daughter?