Is my DD too emotionally dependent on me?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Looking for a bit of crowd wisdom. My DD (14) and I are very close: I split from her father when she was 3 and it was just me and her for a long time. We now both live with my partner who I met when she was six but we didn't move in together until two years ago. They get on fine but she's obviously much closer to me.

We've always been super close and spent a lot of time together. She's a lovely girl, I adore her. She's bright, kind, doing OK at school, generally respectful and considerate (although she has her moments like most teenagers). Hasn't given me any trouble really beyond the occasional tantrum and being untidy and disorganised. She's a bit "young" for her age in some ways: has shown no interest at all in boys or girls (that I know of), not really interested in going out or clothes, very relaxed about spending time at home etc but has a couple of good friends and seems comfortable in her own skin.

But she's still very dependent on me for a lot of things. For example, we do a volunteering activity on Sunday mornings together, we've done it for a year. I'm really happy she enjoys it and have encouraged it but I also think it would be good if she started doing it on her own (not least because I'd like the odd lie-in) and she said she had no interest in doing it without me. I've had to go out in the evening for work a couple of times this week and she was quite annoyed with me about this. On both occasions there was someone with her: on the first incident my partner, on the second a babysitter, so she wasn't alone at all, but she's commented that I shouldn't go out more than once a week. I generally don't, but there are times when its necessary and I've explained this to her.

A friend commented recently to me that by 14 she should be more independent than she is and should be "rebelling" a bit and more able to cope with things without me and I should be pushing her to be more resilient.

I'm torn on this: I think my friend has a point: I was more independent at this age (to the point that I was going out on my own a lot). But I don't want to force her to go at a pace she's not comfortable with and push her into things she doesn't want to do. I'm secretly a bit relieved she isn't interested in going out drinking or picking up boys or anything like this so it suits me but I'm worried that she may be a bit socially delayed or anxious.

Any advice? Is this fairly normal or should I be concerned?

I think at 14 it should have been a friend to keep her company on a sleepover rather than a babysitter. Was she not a bit embarrassed about needing a babysitter?

No she wasn't at all. She gets on really well with the girl who babysits, who's only four years older than her.

Dd1 was (and frankly still is, at 21) just like your daughter. I've tried so hard to gently encourage her to go and do her own thing (she's currently 3rd year of uni which is great) but in the end it's just who they are. Her sister is 17 and also v clingy to me but much more sociable when it suits her, which is fine. I worry about them (I wanted to spend zero time with my mother at their ages!) but ultimately I'm glad we have such a close relationship. It's driven by them which is great. But yes, she doesn't get to dictate whether/when you go out!!

Maybe I'm out of touch - my kids are younger - but I still don't see any need for a babysitter just because you were out late.

I was a very independent child, always pushing for more independence and time by myself. I think I thought all kids were like this but I have come to realise some kids - my older one is like this - need a bit of a push towards doing stuff on their own..

I also think the "you shouldn't go out more than once a week" needs nipping in the bud. Outrageous for her to speak to you like that, you should have said it wasn't up to her how often you go out. TBH I would deliberately go out more often for a while to show her this

My DD was very independent on her terms in her teens - happy to go off and do whatever she wanted when she wanted - but did not like me being out at night (including for work) either. It was like: Mum should be at home whenever I want her. And if I could have been, I would have been. But I also needed my career, for money. Now she’s 21 and at uni, we’re very close and she still likes me to be at home when she’s home.

She has an older brother who’s left home, so I know it won’t be long before she’s off launching into her own adult life. All the clichés about how quickly children grow up are true; I miss my son very much, even though we see each other about once a month and speak often.

It’s lovely that you’re so close.

Yeah this is how I see it. My relationship with my parents was awful as a teen: I was out partying every night from about her age, got into a lot of scrapes: nothing horribly life limiting but it wasn’t ideal. I had a lot of crap relationships with undeserving ne’er do wells, drank more thsn than was good for me and lost focus on school. I pulled it together in the end but I could have achieved more if I had spent the time better.

My DD is so different and ultimately the sense of closeness is something I cherish, so I don’t regret that

But I think those of you who have said she can’t dictate when I go out are correct.

I think you have to help her be independent and to enjoy it. I agree that at 14 she should have a friend to stay with her and not a babysitter but also that she cannot dictate what you do, you should be able to go out without it causing issues. I also agree that not all teenagers rebel, ds 18 has never been difficult, has always been quiet and still enjoys time at home with us but he is also very independent and can cope on his own and has done for a few years. I would talk to her, find out why she feels as she does and help her to be more resilient.

She sounds very young for her age but there’s a big variety in normal. I’m a single parent so my kids were home alone more than a couple of times by age 14 and would have gone to bed when tired. Definitely no babysitter at age 14 unless I was gone overnight. On the other hand, I imagine that the anxious women on here who wouldn’t open their front door after 5pm were also more like your dd at her age and wanted someone at home all the time too.

I think it’s important that you go out when you want or need to and help dd understand that you have other needs and demands in your time too or you risk your dd being unable to move to uni at age 18.

Most importantly does she get along with her peers? If she’s friends with other anxious homebodies then that’s less worrying than not being able to form connections with people other than you. Teen boys often game online rather than go out and meet in person and people don’t worry about that situation as much as girls not meeting up because their teen years involved going out.

I'd be wary of anyone using the word 'should'. As many PPs have said, we're all different.

Your DD reminds me very much of DD2. She is 21 now and has always seemed emotionally immature. She is still very focussed on me. We found out about a year ago that she has ADHD and autism.

I think I'd make a point of going out more often for fun, rather just when I had to tbh. You need to nip that controlling way on the bud. You're allowed a life outside of her.