Anyone else spending Christmas with the ExH

[Crankyallday]

Spending Christmas day together with ExH for DC sake again this year. 3 of 4 years since our divorce we have spent the day together. I have not minded hosting as it means I do things (cooking etc) the way I like them and I get to stay at home and DC can open presents with his dad too.

Obviously part of me feels sad that DC has to do this at all, though to be honest I feel like that all the time anyway. DC is delighted that dad will come over for Christmas day. Of course I don't get much from it and I am only doing this for DC and I am accommodating his dad who isn't proactive enough to suggest anything else. I do wonder if it would be better to have clearer boundaries especially at Christmas or other celebrations. I am going through a lot of my own quiet upsets and stress but maintaining a calm exterior for everything at the moment. I imagine my inner anguish will grow as the Christmas period gets underway. I don't have any people to turn to so it is difficult anyway.

Anyone else treading this difficult path? Please share your experiences.

I can't really see any negatives to what you are doing, unless you really don't wish to? You have no idea what next year will bring, you might be in a relationship, your ex might, one of you could be sick, or working away or any number of things.

If you can enjoy this day with your son and your ex doesn't ruin it, for this year, why not? Next year can be next year's problem.

Thanks. Obviously it's just for my DS as it gives him the chance to have a relaxed day with both me and his dad. I have mixed feelings about it but will go along with it.

I'm just wondering if anyone else is in this same position of sharing Christmas or other celebrations and how you deal with it emotionally.

Yes I am. Same as you, 3 out of the 4 Christmas days since we split we have spent together. Last year he was ill so it was just me and the kids and it was lovely, but I know the dc will want to spend it together again this year. I don’t enjoy the time with my ex but I know the kids love him and I don’t want them to feel pushed between our houses on what should just be an enjoyable, fun day for them. Emotionally I switched off years ago with my ex, so that side of things doesn’t bother me. I suppose I just see him as another annoying relative you have to duty visit over the season.

I did it the first year as we have only moved the week before but I honestly don’t think it’s healthy to do it every year. We split Christmas Day and Boxing Day so we celebrate on whichever day is our turn.

you’re not together anymore, it’s absolutely fine to move on.

I’ll be doing it for the first time this year. We separated in August. Ex and I are pretty amicable so it should be ok but I can’t say I’m really looking forward to it. It’s encouraging to know that it can work though.

@Crankyallday my ex partner (10 years+) spends every Christmas day with us. We started doing it after we broke up as our children asked us too. He gets a good dinner and I get a break from the washing up lol . Our children are now 20 and 17.....been sharing Christmas for 12 years now. Yes I had a partner for a couple of years. Just another dinner to cook

We have a similar situation and outlook. I've also started to feel he's just "another relative" and we will always remain as family because of DS.

How do you deal with Ex H going home at the end of the day? I feel very guilty that I'm giving DS a small taste of a so called normal family life then his dad has to leave. It actually breaks my heart if I'm honest with myself.

I’d rather stick rusty nails in my eyes than look at my ex let alone spend Christmas Day with him.
Luckily I’ve not seen him for quite some time now. 🎉

It might be time then for this to be the last one? Can you afford to go away for Christmas next year? Do something entirely different with your son, that he will find engaging and take his mind off the old traditions?

This is encouraging to hear. I'm glad you have made it work. Do you enjoy the day? How do your children view this arrangement now?

That said, I also question whether I want the next 10 years to look like this. Whilst I am all for prioritising this for my DC, part of me feels slightly trapped in an arrangement where me and DS have a taste of a normal family until he goes home. It does make me feel very sad for DS and also myself in a way.

Yeah we sort of drifted into it. Last few years has been Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I have drawn a line and DC will be with us Boxing day daytime and ex in the eve. We don’t have many other family so Christmas Day ok.

We annoy each other a bit. Just another annoying relative sums it up. Two days is too much, so glad one this year. DC is 16 so not sure how much longer we’ll do this. Until a reason not to I guess. We split years ago so no emotion around him leaving at end of of the day. Just a bit of relief.

Part of me feels like this too. I guess there is no right or wrong but find it so hard to even know how to feel about it. I am used to squashing my own feelings, mostly I don't know how to feel. I also don't know if I'm messing up my DS by doing this as we clearly are not together.

Having done this sort of thing for DC over the years I really don’t think you are messing him up at all. It has worked well for my DC.

But I think it more if it is too hard for you, which is understandable

@Crankyallday I don’t think you should feel guilty, it’s more than a lot of separated families get. Could your DS spend the night with your ex if he’d prefer that? Our arrangement tends to be flexible so we don’t have a set routine over Xmas day and Boxing Day bar that they are with me Xmas Eve, I let the kids choose over the other days. At the end of xmas day, they will decide if they want to stay at mine or go with their dad to his or to visit his family, and I don’t mind that at all. I’m usually up with them super early on Xmas morning and I get to do all the fun stuff anyway. If they prefer to spend Xmas night with him, that’s fine! I’ll either drink baileys and go to bed early or visit with other family if I’m feeling sociable, or just chill with the kids if they stay with me.

I will never understand why you want to play happy families under the pretext of giving a child a normal fun xmas day... thus putting into a childs mind maybe just maybe mum and dad will get back together or showing what a fake xmas is by being together but not together, bonkers to me lol

I completely agree. My kids love that they have two Christmas days! There is no value in blurring the boundaries like this and putting yourself into this situation year on year!

@Crankyallday they are older now (20 and 17). At first it felt a bit strange but now its comfortable.... different for everyone though x

My mum actually did this, so I can share the perspective of the child.
My mum was a child in a nasty divorce and wasn't allowed to see her dad until she moved away from home at 19. She didn't want her children to bare the burden of divorce and since the split was amicable enough at the time, she sacrificed her own cosy family x-mas for us. They spent holidays and our birthdays together for over 10 years.

I know it was hard for my mum and I wouldn't expect her to do it all over again if she had to. But my god, she took away so much guilt and anxiety for me and for my brother.
We never had to worry about the other parent being alone for the holidays.
We never had to worry about them missing out on special moments with us.
We never had to worry whether we were spending enough time with each of them or that they were resenting each other or us.

I just know for a fact that I would have spent x-mas picturing my dad being all alone and sad, and I could have never enjoyed the holiday the way I did now.

I really don't know if this was the best option for everyone involved. But it did make my childhood a whole lot easier. Being a child of divorce is hard enough as it is.
Many other things went wrong and many others things hurt me in the process, but at least there was that.

If my husband and I were ever to seperate I'd probably choose to do the same for my childrens' sake.

I do. My ex and I are very amicable, we've spent christmasses together since we divorced. We always have quite a nice time!

I'm really so glad to read this. I am really doing this just for my son and I will admit it's very hard for me as I am finding myself questioning everything like why we are even separated, why I can't have a "normal" life and family unit. It's soul destroying if I'm honest.

I am not sure if this is good for my son or not but for now he seems happy he gets to spend the day with both of us. I would feel a bit guilty leaving his dad by himself too.

Good luck with it. I will say it is a but of an emotional rollercoaster.

Guess it depends on how old the child is. And do you worry that you are setting expectations up for every year? What if one of you has a partner or stepchildren become involved. Don't think I could handle it as divorce wasn't amicable due to cheating . Couldn't really see myself playing happy families when we weren't even a happy family while married.

Please tell me more about this. I do get on well with ex H but I won't lie, it is causing me anguish feeling like I'm just playing happy families for one day like some PP have said. Do you have children and if so how do you feel about it?

I do worry a lot about the expectations of my son and how long I can really do this for. As I say I do have a lot of mixed feelings about this and I don't enjoy it. I'm really lost on this to be honest.

As someone who grew up being pulled between two very hateful divorced parents, always feeling guilty being wherever we were because the other parent was without us, never being able to enjoy anything because of the sadness & guilt, and all the anger, hate & sadness of our parents - I urge you to really value the amazing good you are doing for your DC, and be proud of it. I hope Christmas is as enjoyable as it can be for you and your DC and your ex