How differently does heartbreak affect men?

[Notaboutthebass]

Do they get over things quicker, do they go through different stages with different timescales?

Much quicker in my opinion, they just don't feel emotion on the same level as women.

In my experience they also move on a lot faster with new partners but this is mainly because they don't like being alone.

The statistics say that they remarry MUCH quicker after bereavement. 60% vs 20% in new relationships after about 2 years.

No idea if that’s about heartbreak, or about the relative labour in relationships.

The women in my life don’t have the same timescales in term of getting over things or dating, so I’m not sure why men would?

There are some people who don’t like to be alone (if I look at my mixed group of friends it’s probably more skewed to women who don’t like being alone, but obviously that’s a very small sample size). There are some who mourn for a long time, and some who don’t.

I would say, that the majority of my friends with blue eyes are quicker to get over a relationship.

Totally depends, a friend’s girlfriend broke up with him after three years together, talk of marriage, kids. He’s sporty, chatty, outgoing, good looking- he’s like a different person a year later. Like a sad ghost

Or generational? Those who are widowed are more likely to have come for a generation where they were the main financial provider and their wives would take a family caring role. It would be interesting to see these figures in 100yrs time where things are more even (these days anyway). Unfortunately I won’t be here to see the stats!!

I agree with this. Nobody is made of stone though so whilst they will move on quicker. I think men are affected but at a later stage and the "process" comes later compared to women. Good thread OP.

I have known men be close to having a nervous breakdown when their woman/wife leaves them. Many men need women, and the longer they have been with them, the harder it is for them to cope when the relationship ends, or their wife dies...

However, I do agree with a poster above who said that they will try and get with another woman much sooner than a woman will try to get with another man (after a relationship ends/breaks down, or her partner dies...)

Basically, men struggle to cope alone. Women don't.

If my DH died tomorrow (we're both 60-ish, been together nearly 35 years,) I would never get into another relationship again. Couldn't be arsed, and would be fine alone. Also, I am a slightly chubby woman in my late 50s, and if I were to go for another man, I would not want a man around 60 or older, I would want a man maybe 40 to 50 years old. But a man that age isn't going to want a chubby woman who is nearly 60. Most will want a woman who is 10 or more years younger.

So I would stay on my own.

DH would have a breakdown if I left him, and wouldn't know where to turn, but I reckon he would be in a new relationship within 6 months.

Most will want a woman who is 10 or more years younger

THIS

Based on my personal experience I think societal expectations play a part. When I was widowed (before 40, I was young) I felt desperately lonely and was so tempted to try to meet someone else quite soon, but knowing how I'd be judged and the associated guilt held me back. I don't think men get the same judgement or maybe they just don't care as much.

In general I think men feel things equally deeply but are (on average) able to put the feelings aside more quickly. But saying that I've met widowers still struggling several years on.

🤣

OMFG are you kidding?

@Notaboutthebass, what do you mean by 'heartbreak'? Are you just referring to the end of a relationship, or something more general?

The question is fair enough, but some of these responses? Curious, to say the least.

If anything happened to my DW I would stay on my own as she's the kindest person I've known irreplaceable and it wouldn't be fair on a new partner.

@Zov "Basically, men struggle to cope alone. Women don't."

That's quite some hypothesis. What evidence can you produce to support it? I wouldn't say it reflects the experience of my friendship group.

Based on my DH, I'd say men really don't cope being on their own. Especially after 20+ years. He started asking recently about his attractiveness and why I think he struggled to find a partner before he met me. I'm going through breast cancer right now and he is absolutely terrified of being on his own again. To the point that he's now developed seperation anxiety.

It’s more likely because they don’t want to be celibate. In general, sex is much more important to middle-aged men than it is to post-menopausal women. Most of us over a certain age know this is true, don’t we?

I don't think you can make generalisations based on nothing but the sex of the individual.

How someone experiences it will be affected by how they generally experience and express emotion, what state the relationship was in prior to the "heartbreak", and how the end of the relationship comes about. Is it a shock, or is it a mutual decision?

Some people are stoic, men and women both, some are pragmatic, some are maudlin, some are emotionally incontinent, some are rational, some are irrational. All of these things will impact upon how someone deals with the end of a relationship.

It's not true at all that women "feel" more than men. Some might, but others do not. I'm stoic, and for me the end of a relationship is a natural event. It's not something I'm going to get emotional about, because if I was meant to be in that relationship I'd still be in it, therefore no longer being in it is a perfectly healthy and normal circumstance. It doesn't matter to me how the end comes about. If I'm rejected by a former partner, fine, that's their choice. It doesn't matter how I feel because if they don't want to be with me there is nothing I can do about that, and no longer wanting to be in a relationship with me completely neuters how I feel about them anyway. It's utterly pointless being upset, it doesn't change anything or serve any purpose.

I think men struggling to cope on their own is 100% correct, and for one overwhelming reason.

Men are not naturally sociable and it’s typically their partners who organise their social lives, whether that’s doing stuff as a couple or with friends.

If a relationship breaks up (or there’s a bereavement) a woman will (after a time) carry on as normal - connecting regularly with friends and/or doing interesting activities etc.

But for men it’s very different - they don’t really know how to do this stuff on their own.

Only on Mumsnet could this be stated with a straight face.

That is quite a big mess up

Men not coping - who earns more than women and can do DIY and protect
Men not being sociable - having footy with the lads, going to the pubs, to concerts, events, sports etc
the list goes on

Men remarry and get into new relationships more quickly because they want to have sex, and it's much harder for men to have casual sex without being in a relationship than it is for women to have casual sex (should they want it). That doesn't have anything to do with emotionally recovering from relationship breakdown, which affects both sexes equally

I am in a relationship with a widower /he’d been widowed just under a year when we met (through friends). He’d been in a happy marriage for many years, but was delighted to find me, and wanted us to be in a relationship. Unfortunately his adult son took it very badly and has refused to meet or acknowledge me which has blighted our relationship, and I sudpect I will end it. Which is sad because he is such s lovely man and wants to be with B a loving partner, but find it difficult that his son is so ‘hurt’.

But all the evidence suggests this.

"All" the evidence?

What sort of studies have been carried out examining the men who cope perfectly well on their own?

I'd suggest this is mere confirmation bias. Men who struggle are evident because they are detected by concerned relatives, agencies are notified, help offered etc etc.

The men who manage perfectly well pass without anyone paying any heed, because there is nothing to draw the attention in the first place.

The end result is everyone grows concerned for the ones struggling but pays no heed of those coping, hence the perception that ALL the men people are aware of struggle.

There likely are no studies of men who cope, because coping means there is nothing much to study.

I think what you are actually saying is "examining struggling men suggests they are indeed struggling", which isn't much of a revelation really.

Well....his mother was barely cold in her grave so uts completely understandable!

I am sure he was delighted.

He doesn't want to be on his own is the long and short of it. And there you were, the right place and time.

His DC can see things much more clearly, being slightly on the outside. And not even a year later his mother has been replaced.

I don't blame the kid really.