Any other ideas to fix sex life

[Shleepymummy]

Sex life with DH is pretty poor. Averaging about once every 6 weeks, I'd like 2-3x a week but happy to compromise. I've tried talking about with him, I never reject when he initiates even if it's not an ideal time for me (6am😩!), I've talked about other couples sex lives, talked about wanting to do it more. The talking does nothing, he's not receptive to the convo, I've suggested seeing a GP for hormone check/blood work as he's often very tired- he doesn't want to do or talk about this.
Ive tried initiating but I find this so so difficult,
for some reason. That may be the answer but doesn't feel like it is as when he initiates he's happy to do this and like I said; I never say no.
We do have young children, life is tiring, but our kids sleep, we don't have it bad compared to some parents.
So where do I go from here? I don't want to have a life with a best mate, I want intimacy and affection. And there is none of that. No kissing or hugging. We are literally just mates, good housemates, work well together, so ending a marriage when everything else is ok seems extreme.
Anyone had this experience and was able to change it?

Has it always been like this? How long have you been together?

NC

following as I could have written this word for word.

the lack of sex is making me feel unattractive, unwanted and unloved .. in fact I currently feel like I must be the ugliest duckling alive.

He's never been high sex drive and all over me no. But it's slowed and slowed since kids. We struggled to conceive our first, and Had sex nearly every other day for months which really took its toll, wondered if that was a thing. Affection wise it's also slowed. Been together 9 years, married for 6.

Why do you find it hard to initiate?

Totally get you. I don't want to initiate because it makes me feel like I'm begging (Plus rejection fear) and him initiating makes me feel wanted and gets me more in the mood. No thoughts on how to improve unfortunately.

The talking does nothing, he's not receptive to the convo, I've suggested seeing a GP for hormone check/blood work as he's often very tired- he doesn't want to do or talk about this.
Have you ever noticed that when you offer someone a ready-made solution (e.g. here on Mumsnet), they often respond with a big list of reasons why that won't work, why they can't do it, etc. Your dh is an adult man and knows that he could go to the GP. He doesn't need telling, and if you tell him anyway it may come across as if you think he's too stupid to work it out for himself.

How about a compassionate conversation in which you try to elicit whether:

• he doesn't want more sex, and is afraid that admitting it would mean the end of your relationship
• he does want more sex but is embarrassed about not being able to do it
• he is worried that his low libido could be a symptom of something serious he'd rather not know about
• he is feeling depressed and it's affecting his libido, but he finds that hard to talk about
• he's been to the doctor and there's no quick fix
• he doesn't need to go to the doctor as he knows why he does not want much sex, and it's something you won't like, so he'd rather not discuss it

... all the while asking what solutions he has, rather than telling him your solutions; showing that you are coming from a place of caring, not complaining about his deficiencies, and offering face-saving ways to admit things he finds difficult.

I was in the same boat op and I left.

Nothing and I mean nothing changed despite me trying, so I left.

I'm in a relationship for the last 4 years with the most wonderful man and and I couldn't be happier.

I wished I had have left sooner.

Have you considered the possibility that you're coming across as coercive? Nothing will kill a sex life like a coercive spouse.

I've tried talking about with him, I never reject when he initiates even if it's not an ideal time for me (6am😩!), I've talked about other couples sex lives, talked about wanting to do it more.

Yet you say you're uncomfortable initiating. And what other couples do has zero to do with what someone is comfortable with sexually. How often do you raise this with him?

I agree he should go get a physical. There could be issues he's not sharing with you or physical conditions that are affecting his libido. How old is he?

But he's tired and you're in the thick of child raising. That comes with tiredness and can really affect the libido.

It also could be your sex drives are different and you're incompatible.

Ah come on OP. You can't have it both ways - if you want more sex you need to initiate as well. If you're uncomfortable doing that, you need to explore why but not put it solely on him.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to want affection it's what's seperates friendship and a relationship. Your feelings are valid. Have you talked to him about the lack of affection? This is a common issue on MN and I do think it sounds as though sexually you are incompatible. I dont think having kids is a good enough excuse (although it's part of it at certain ages). Are you prepeared to leave or tolerate a relationship like this? Its a tough situation for you.

Have you considered the possibility that you're coming across as coercive? Nothing will kill a sex life like a coercive spouse
I've tried talking about with him, I never reject when he initiates even if it's not an ideal time for me (6am😩!), I've talked about other couples sex lives, talked about wanting to do it more

If this was a man posting he would be getting a kicking for saying all that

This is a tough one and I think many people are in the same boat. To have a spark you need tension, some kind of tension that is created between different energies. If you're both in work mode, looking after kids and tried it's hard to create that. Although it's not impossible, I think talking alone won't do it unless you both decide to take a different approach or some action once the you've discussed the situation. So somehow you need to create some healthy sexual tension between yourselves which is good a good thing, it's different from creating stress. I have no idea if this helps at all 🙏🏼

Women can also be coercive about sex. How often do we see a women complain about their husband wanting sex and talking about it constantly? It often turns out they're with a coercive partner.

I think she has to consider the possibility. I raised other possibilities on my post.

Such an interesting subject, and it comes up so often. How is it that so many people end up mismatched and miserable in the bedroom?

Usually on here it's women complaining that their husbands want it all the time and are never satisfied. Logic would suggest that those women would love a husband like yours, and you would love a husband like theirs. But somehow I doubt that would bring happiness either.

I wonder if it's a human nature thing - to simply want what we can't have.

We are literally just mates, good housemates, work well together, so ending a marriage when everything else is ok seems extreme.

Step back and try to look as objectively as you can... are you really 100% sure about this? (I mean the "everything else is ok" bit). In my experience sex is a barometer of a relationship's health, and when it goes like this it's usually a manifestation of some other problem.

If you really can't think of anything, could he possibly be getting it elsewhere?

Yes I brought it up, explained I'd like more affection, what could I do to help this situation? He said he would try more to be affectionate. And he was, lasted a few weeks and then it just slipped back to being non existent. Hence why I'm happy to talk about, but part of me thinks what's the point

Hmm I really don't think so, he comes straight home from work, with us at weekends, doesn't go out in evening. I don't see when he could. I don't 'think' it's in his nature either. But you never know do you

Like anything a partner not participating in house chores or cooking you will eventually get fed up and it will take its toll. You can't force him. I would be clear and blunt that you are prepeared to leave over this. Perhaps counselling? Or you could initiate but the issue is... does he want to? You know him OP.

the talking about other peoples sex lives is always does in jest, as a laugh, we joke with our friends when they bring up their sex lives. It's never to compare him, it's just to bring the subject to the table, to allow him to contribute, or not. He's happy to joke and laugh about that sort of thing, which I hoped would lighten the subject.

Just confidence, don't know why, just don't have the confidence to do it. Never been in a relationship before him where I had to

Kiss. Lots. Without the intention of sex. Do that for a couple of weeks, guarantee it will liven things up.

I totally get this.

You say you don’t have confidence initiating - why should it always be your DH. You talk about wanting more sex so I think you need to explore yourself why you can’t initiate alongside your DH considering his position. You can’t have it both ways , this is not all on your DH.

This has been my marriage for over a decade op, more than half of the time I've been married. My DH also promises things will change but they never do. I'm sorry to say I don't think they will, you have to decide if you can live with it or not. I can't forever, so I'm waiting for the kids to be older.

I was in such a relationship - the thing that fixed it was leaving him and finding a healthier, happier relationship with a partner that was emotionally available and values intimacy (emotional and physical) as much as I do.