Any other ideas to fix sex life

[Shleepymummy]

Sex life with DH is pretty poor. Averaging about once every 6 weeks, I'd like 2-3x a week but happy to compromise. I've tried talking about with him, I never reject when he initiates even if it's not an ideal time for me (6am😩!), I've talked about other couples sex lives, talked about wanting to do it more. The talking does nothing, he's not receptive to the convo, I've suggested seeing a GP for hormone check/blood work as he's often very tired- he doesn't want to do or talk about this.
Ive tried initiating but I find this so so difficult,
for some reason. That may be the answer but doesn't feel like it is as when he initiates he's happy to do this and like I said; I never say no.
We do have young children, life is tiring, but our kids sleep, we don't have it bad compared to some parents.
So where do I go from here? I don't want to have a life with a best mate, I want intimacy and affection. And there is none of that. No kissing or hugging. We are literally just mates, good housemates, work well together, so ending a marriage when everything else is ok seems extreme.
Anyone had this experience and was able to change it?

The truth? Things are unlikely to change unless there is a biochemical reason such as low T which he could get checked but honestly I don't think so. He's comfortable and possibly wants something new. You are not being coercive. You need power to be coercive and it involves some kind of fear. I hate when these things are said. Trying to have a discussion with your husband about sex is not coercive.

Same here.

I wish I had some advice - but I would say how interesting that M-F and F-M (for example...) generate totally different responses for the similar issues. If a man "complains" then he is in the wrong, is entitled or isn't doing enough around the house etc. If a women complains then the man needs to go to the GP, is having an affair or is addicted to porn.

I think it's import to keep talking though - I found in my case I needed to get us in front of a councillor (sp?) - nothing changed ultimately but it would enable you to bring the subject up more easily.

Interestingly, I also found that I am useless at initiating (DW did the running when we first got together, which lead me to believe we were totally compatible) - I think it's the fear of rejection that stops me. I would have liked things to remain somewhere near when we first got together but it wasn't to be.

Ive tried initiating but I find this so so difficult

If you want a healthy sex life, you're going to have to work for it.

Ask yourself if initiating sex is really more difficult than:
Not having sex
Not having as much sex as you want
Feeling resentful and frustrated
Growing dissatisfaction with the marriage
Communication breakdown
Divorce
Sharing custody of your children

I do absolutely get that it's hard to ask for what you need/want, especially if you experienced your needs not being met in childhood or previous relationships. There is no magic formula to make it feel less scary, either. You just have to start asking, and it gets less and less difficult over time.

It will never be fixed.

Your options are to leave, have an affair, or put up with it.

Don't waste your life.

It will never be fixed.

Your options are to leave, have an affair, or put up with it.

Don't waste your life.

How old are you both? Must only be in your 40s or 50s if kids are still at home? I would say that’s too young to give up on a sex life (once every 6 weeks when you want it 2-3 times a week is pretty much giving up on a sex life).

Give him an ultimatum: either he works to fix this or you open up the marriage / leave.

This (unfortunately)

I had an affair due to a long term lack of physical intimacy in a relationship. The relationship didn't survive.

It would have been far better and caused less pain to all concerned if I'd simply left in the first place, but so many other things in life were fine, and I loved my partner.

You would think so wouldn't you - use it or lose it!

been like OP personally with DH. It's all very well to say "have a conversation"... but unfortunately sometimes DH doesn't want that and the more you try to insist on a "conversation" the more they get angry, dismissive, they run away and the whole issue is pushed under the rug. Sometimes having a "converrsation" just isn't possible if the other person doesnt want to.

Well, the first thing you need to do is start initiating. Confidence shouldn't come into it. He's your husband and you should be comfortable initiating sex/intimacy.

@Carlou OP is trying to have conversations and getting nowhere. I was suggesting other possible approaches to the conversations, with less insistence and more open questions. But yes, I've been with someone who would not have conversations any more. You're right: you can't make anyone have a conversation. But if they repeatedly refuse to talk to you, including on their own terms, that also tells you a lot, without any conversation taking place.

When you say you find it difficult to initiating sex , it could be something as subtle as getting into bed naked as opposed to wearing something this would give him the signal , sending a text message in the day saying how incredibly aroused you are feel should also spark some interest. I thing you have to be realistic he is not going to want to go from once very 6 weeks to 3 times a week but once a week is probably reasonable , do you have any toys and is that part of your love making ? Would he enjoy that , it’s finding something he wants to do more of .

Are you affectionate with him? Or will you not initiate affection either? I think if you're the one that wants more sex than you have to be the one to make the effort here.

He is tired and hasn't got a huge sex drive so you need to start initiating and making the effort - and I don't mean joking about how much sex other people are having. Feeling like you shouldn't have to bother because you didn't with your ex's is not going to help you in this situation.

I think like myself the OP has probably tried the direct approach. I think there is an unwritten rule that assumes that this approach is perfectly okay when the man is considered to have the "issue" but when it's the other way round it is met with cries of entitlement or "why does he think he's so special?".

The hardest part to deal with for me is that the relationship used to be completely in sync in this respect and now it isn't. I found initially that I couldn't even get agreement that it wasn't - after much discussion eventually we agreed that it HAD changed. The next phase was that "it's normal for things to degrade over time" type discussions. The bottom line is it isn't as good as it used to be and, unless there is a very good reason, I don't see a win-win situation - someone is always going to be disappointed.

Maybe we all handle or require oxytocin in different ways - me personally would like things every 2 days (I don't get the oxytocin hit from solo play - and I get the solo playtime a lot) - everyone is different obviously.

Maybe check out the /DeadBedrooms forum on Reddit as a more focused support group?