A better ending?

[IHE]

(Middle aged male, looking for female perspective.)

I've been seeing someone for a few months. She's lovely and genuine and kind and attractive and all the other good bits, but I don't feel we're a good fit. I had wanted to give the relationship enough time, to see if the good bits were enough, but it wasn't shaping up that way for me. In the meantime, it seems as though she just got to like me more.

At the weekend, we both had too much to drink, her more than me, and something in the conversation catalysed me pulling the plug on the relationship. It was nothing big, but with the amplification of alcohol, it just hit me that we're never going to be on the same page. I tried to be kind about the way I left, and when she asked where she'd messed up, so she didn't with someone else, I tried to say she did nothing wrong and she shouldn't change who she is.

From the message she sent me 24hrs later, it was clear she's really upset and she said she can't remember some of the conversation and she doesnt know what she said/did wrong. I'm in no way blaming her, nor have I, and I replied in a way I hoped was compassionate, but not so that there was any suggestion of reconciliation.

I think I know the answer to this, but ...
If she can't remember what was said, I wonder if I owe her a conversation on neutral ground, over a sober coffee. I don't want to give her false hope but I really don't want her to feel worse than is probably inevitable.
Am I deluding myself in hoping that a coffee could help? I obviously can't stop any hurt, but could I mitigate it, so she doesnt feel as though she has done something wrong?
(For context, only 36hrs have passed and our paths are unlikely to cross again.)

In what way wasn't she a good fit?

I'd say leave it here. If she sends any more messages asking for closure then absolutely do respond with kindness (but stay firm), however meeting is not a good idea as it may give her hope and it is clear from what you've said that you don't want a relationship with her so please do not string her along. I hope this helps.

No, don't meet for coffee.

What is said is said and you have made a decision, so just leave it at that.

If she continues to message, but be firm and say you wish her the best going forward, but things between are not going to work.

You have to have a thick skin for OLD. She will come to find that out as well.

Don’t meet for coffee. Tell her politely but clearly that you’ve made your decision and it’s final.

Your post doesn’t give any specifics as to why you weren’t a good fit. If she can’t remember the conversation and thought everything was ok I can see how this would be a shock to her.
I do try to be specific when I leave a relationship so there no confusion. I’ve only once ended things while drinking and he forgot the next day and asked me where I wanted to go for lunch. We had mutual friends so I did phone him to explain again and reinforce my decision was made.
You could prolong things by offering to meet, or it could be helpful to her closure. But only if you tell her more than you’ve posted here. An unclear message is unhelpful.

@UpDownAllAround1 If you read this (and I kind of hope you don't) thanks for being the sort of person who makes me look good.

@LittleJustice We didn't fit in various little ways and some added up to How We See The World. She seemed eager to "change", but I don't want someone to make herself fit - then she's not being herself, but rather what she thinks I want. I know succesful relationships require compromise - maybe she sees the world more objectiely than me, and maybe I'm being naiveor complacent, but it was hard to see the good stuff (of which there was plenty) being ... "enough" sounds greedy, but hopefully that makes sense.

@Highlighta Sadly, when it comes to OLD, I think thick skin isn't so far from inpenetrable calluses. 😞 I'm reassured that she still has time left on her subscription and there are other people who are interested in meeting her.

@Brightbluesomething It's the difference between prolonging things and closure that is driving my question. I don't know what she can't remember, and I don't want her to think there's something she needs to change about herself in order to be liked.

Can you not just text her that?

Even if she was awful and had no chances of finding anyone else on OLD, that would not be your problem.

It sounds like she had some insecurities in that case. Obviously compromise is important but I wouldn’t change who I am for a man, or make myself ‘less than’ as you lose yourself. Nobody can be happy in that dynamic. Meeting could give her too much hope so I agree a short message is the compromise to provide clarity and closure.

@80s I was aiming to say somethinig like that when I replied but, innevitably, my answer after a good night's sleep and 12hrs of reflection would have been better when it came to her remembering the conversation.
I know that what she does next isn't "my problem", but shoving someone off a cliff is a long way from saying goodbye at the top of the path to the beach.

Honestly, OP, I get that you’re not trying to be unpleasant, but as you seem totally incapable of explaining clearly on here why you ended it, I’m not sure any amount of coffee conversation with your ex is going to either clarify or make her feel any better.

You seem to be saying that you didn’t like her wanting to get fit because you thought she thought it was for you, and also to be saying that she was never ‘enough’, despite all her good elements, and that you went out with her half-heartedly for several months to see if she grew on you. I’m fairly sure knowing this is going to make her feel worse if anything, so I’d leave it there. You’re just going to have to live with looking like an insensitive git who ditched someone out of the blue when drunk.

I wouldn't meet for a coffee but I would send a message, something like

"I'm sorry that we split the way we did, after a few too many drinks probably wasn't the best time for it, but it was something I'd been thinking about for a little while and it just came out. It wasn't because of anything specific you did that night, I just feel that we're not a good fit for each other, our (politics/emotional wavelengths/opinions on the Godfather 3/whatever you actually split over) are just too different for this to work. I've had some lovely times with you over the past few months, and I'll remember you fondly, but this isn't a decision I'll be reconsidering, so I think it's best we go our separate ways now."

Did you have sex with her before or after you called it quits?

If it was after, that would have given her the wrong message, that you didn't mean it.

But even if you had sex just before and THEN you had the conversation that precipitated your decision to end the relationship, that's also problematic: the closeness in time between the intimacy and your spoken decision is likely to have confused her. For many people, especially women, sex is a very intimate and emotionally meaningful act, and being dumped immediately/shortly after sex sends out all the wrong signals.

@CrispShirt Not "totally incapable of explaining clearly on here", just chosing not to wash my laundry in public, and I don't believe the precise reasons would usefuly inform the discussion. But I understand what you're saying. Thank you.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots That was loosely my message, albeit it without addressing what she said about not remembering.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta We didn't have sex that day. Nor on the previous occasion we saw eachother (although that was for unconnected reasons). My conscience is clear on that front.

Thanks to everyone who has responded.
The advice has pretty much what I expected, but it's useful to get perspective from the other side of the fence.

Meeting for coffee won’t achieve anything.

However, if she was under the impression all was fine and you abruptly pulled the plug it’s no wonder she’s upset. I don’t think that was a great way of dealing with this.

Were you covering up your qualms for a while? Or did you speak up when something happened that you weren't totally on board with? Do you think this experience will change the way you act with future dates?

So most are saying don't bother -
I think the coffee sounds humane, respectful and kind if you've been consistently in contact and sleeping together.

I wouldn’t meet for coffee in case she got upset in public. If you have to meet I’d prefer a private quiet place. I’d either call her or text her and be clear why you’ve called it off but in the kindest possible way.

I agree. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself.

But if what the OP is saying at this coffee is ‘Actually, I’ve never been really keen on you, I just went along with things to see if you’d grow on me’, it’s not going to make someone who is clearly quite upset and blindsided feel any better. Quite the reverse.

He’s likely only considering it so he can convince himself he’s ’done the right thing’ and is a nice guy etc etc.

We all want to think we have done the right thing. It's human nature.

He's already ended it in person, and already told her it's not her fault. What else is he going to say at another in-person meetup that will make her feel better? She hasn't asked for a coffee.

There would be some advantages to him admitting that he was messing her around the whole time as he was never really into her (to put it in the simplest terms). It would make it clear to her that this is OP's issue, and she could get angry rather than feeling sad. But that doesn't require a personal meeting.

But she did txt and ask for clarity? As per being pissed when the dumping took place.
Idk...how many tales of ghosting or disguarding are there, its worryingly normal now. It's part of a social breakdown and viewing others as disposable. Despite it being 'normal' now it's so bad for mental health.
If you've slept together and seen each other for a while and you say she's more keen, her nervous system and hormones are wired in.
Letting her down gently ( and not in an over crowed space ) sounds kinder.

Saddened to see how many people are encouraging disguarding tbh.
Feels so 'brittle' and cold, like your convincing yourselves it's fine. Heard mentality even at your own detriment.