A better ending?

[IHE]

(Middle aged male, looking for female perspective.)

I've been seeing someone for a few months. She's lovely and genuine and kind and attractive and all the other good bits, but I don't feel we're a good fit. I had wanted to give the relationship enough time, to see if the good bits were enough, but it wasn't shaping up that way for me. In the meantime, it seems as though she just got to like me more.

At the weekend, we both had too much to drink, her more than me, and something in the conversation catalysed me pulling the plug on the relationship. It was nothing big, but with the amplification of alcohol, it just hit me that we're never going to be on the same page. I tried to be kind about the way I left, and when she asked where she'd messed up, so she didn't with someone else, I tried to say she did nothing wrong and she shouldn't change who she is.

From the message she sent me 24hrs later, it was clear she's really upset and she said she can't remember some of the conversation and she doesnt know what she said/did wrong. I'm in no way blaming her, nor have I, and I replied in a way I hoped was compassionate, but not so that there was any suggestion of reconciliation.

I think I know the answer to this, but ...
If she can't remember what was said, I wonder if I owe her a conversation on neutral ground, over a sober coffee. I don't want to give her false hope but I really don't want her to feel worse than is probably inevitable.
Am I deluding myself in hoping that a coffee could help? I obviously can't stop any hurt, but could I mitigate it, so she doesnt feel as though she has done something wrong?
(For context, only 36hrs have passed and our paths are unlikely to cross again.)

But he hasn’t ghosted her. He ended it face to face. She was too drunk to remember the detail, but that’s probably a mercy. From what the OP says, she’s an insecure, easily influenced person who has put the OP on a pedestal, jumped to the conclusion she ‘did something wrong’, and wants him to tell her what it is so she ‘doesn’t repeat it with someone else’. And given that the OP was never that into her, but dated her for months hoping he’d change his mind, nothing he says is going to make her feel better. Hopefully she has friends she can vent to.

??? Just disagree, if she was too pissed to take it in, plus he said he blurted it out randomly so would have seemed really random and out of no where...yes she sounds needy so give her a little humanity. We all know people like this, it's easy to spiral.

It just feels more respectful to say it sober and in person.

I don’t think she sounds ‘needy’, I think she sounds vulnerable, and as though she’s far too likely to accept anything the OP says as gospel. I think it’s for the best she doesn’t remember much of what he said, and that having a sober debrief would be actively harmful for her.

I agree.

I think maybe the offer of coffee is really kind, but if she gets her hopes it then it could be really uncomfortable.

Perhaps offer meeting to clarify things, but be clear up front you have no interest in continuing the relationship and you are only meeting to answer her questions and leave it cordially.

Just put it in a well worded text or letter.
Meeting up seems to be more for your own benefit than hers because you feel guilty for things that were said.

Dumping someone is sad & unpleasant for both people involved & I can't see doing it in person is going to make it any nicer & may well give her false hope.

I don't think the OP was talking about his ex "getting fit" but rather trying to make herself a better fit for him.

Don’t meet her, because then she’ll think she has an opportunity to change your mind. Also, it’ll be extra hard for her to say goodbye in public.

Don’t tell her what she said. It won’t help her. You already thought you didn’t want to continue the relationship. Focus on a short explanation, that you like her as a person but just don’t feel the spark for a relationship.

Fuck me some men are doomed no matter that do.

There’s more than enough people around who are far less cynical than myself. So I’m sure my opinion is really fairly meaningless in terms of the bigger picture.

Unfortunately though, I don’t think dumping someone out the blue after having to much alcohol was the right thing to do. I suspect OP knows this and is trying to rectify it, hence my previous comment.

That's an over reaction & it's nothing to do with him being a man, it would be the same if a woman had posted this about ending it with a male or a female partner.

Meeting in person is just not necessary. It isn't kind or that helpful to the dumped partner.
Sending a kindly worded text is enough, anything else smacks of the OP wanting to assuage their own guilt & is likely to just lead to further upset.

If he didn't see the relationship going anywhere & she did, she was always going to be upset. But no one can continue with someone just so as not because they don't want to upset them; that way lies madness!
I think it would have been better if they hadn't been pissed though!

Well no ofc not. But it seems to have been done in an abrupt manner, he acknowledges he wasn’t particularly interested in her at any point, and hoped he would change his mind. I’m assuming she was not aware of this 😅 so from her perspective she will be feeling blindsided.

I wanted to add my tuppenworth (even though it's probably too late). Years ago a boyfriend who I liked very much ended our relationship. If I remember correctly, he ended the relationship in a similar way to how the OP did, and I was left confused and upset. I will never forget the fact that, despite him being a very avoidant type, he met up with me and gently and respectfully explained the reasons why he had ended the relationship, without giving me any mixed messages about us being over or being unnecessarily hurtful. I have so much respect for this.

It's not being too needy to wonder or ask why someone wants to call it quits. It's just natural. No coffee though @IHE.