Would you give up a dear friend because their partner hates you?

[fridgemonkey]

I'll keep it as brief as I can, but a bit of background will put it in context.

I have a friend, who was also my first love. We were together as teenagers, through uni, and into the first couple of years of adult life (living together). There was animosity when we broke up (on both sides) but we worked through it and became friends. Real friends, with no added benefits. He is one of the good guys and I love him dearly; he is part of my history.

We both, obviously, went on to other relationships and he is now married with a small daughter, and I am with my man and we have a young son.

Here's the point. His wife hates me - she has made that very clear. I've met her a couple of times, including her wedding, she has refused my friendship overtures and acts as though I am dirt on her shoe. She dislikes that we are in sporadic contact. We don't live in the same city, so maybe meet up a few times a year for dinner (which she is also invited to, and always refuses), and maybe email each other once every couple of months, (I use their joint email address, so she can see exactly what I've written). Really, we're not in each other pockets at all.

She emailed me yesterday (without his knowledge, as far as I know) and said that she wants me to stop seeing/talking to Andy because it makes her uncomfortable, and that if I don't, it will confirm her suspicions about me. WTF??

I can't tell Andy, because he'll go mental, but I don't want to give in to her, because frankly, I think she's nuts. I also dontt see why I should be dictated about who I can and can't see. So what would you do? Ignore her? Or do what she says? Because I am unable to see a sensible way out of this.

Dittany: I'm not criticising a person for having feelings, I'm criticising a person who feels entitled to make those feelings everyone else's problem by trying to bust up a long standing friendship.
And what do you mean about women's jealousy being rational? That men's jealousy is irrational just because it's experienced by men? I have encountered dementedly jealous women (whose partners were not shagging around but who soon moved on whey they got sick of the whining and snooping) and men who were jealous because their partners were being deceitful.
SOme of your posts really do seem to suggest a worldview that veers towards 'everything men do is wrong, everything women feel is right'.

Is The Wife causing problems for Andy?

I had a similar situation - first love, we worked to be friends, and I think we are both proud of the fact that we ARE friends. We used to talk every now and again - mostly when I phoned, whatever.

Last time I was home (I am in Uk, he is in Canada), and I saw him (he went golfing with my dh!!) he mentioned that his wife was very pissed off that we are friends.

I decided that to be a true friend to him, I should back off. I don't want to cause problems in his relationship. Apparently his wife is a total cow, but hey - he chose her.
For me, I am just happy that we have no hard feelings, and we are in a good place with each other, we didn't get caught up in bitterness.

SO
I would offer to back off, or cut back contact, but I would tell HIM. I'm sure he's had an earful from his wife anyways - he won't be surprised.

Good Luck

Unfortunately, jealousy by its very nature, means that others know about it and it becomes "their problem". There are people who are jealous and who can hide it- but very few. So it's splitting hairs to say you don't have a problem with the emotion, but you do have a problem when it manifests itself in day to day living!

To my mind, jealousy implies insecurity- the answer is not to prove the insecure partner right- by rewarding their whining with desertion or another partner- but by reassuring them that they are loved, and getting them to realise that love allows people freedom - and possessiveness is not true love.

I have never met anyone who strayed because they were sick of their partner's whining- if they leave because of that it is more often a case of the cracks being there anyway, and the jealous outbursts were a catalyst. I do think that in some relationships, insecurity, manifesting as jealousy can be a self-fulfilling prophecy- but the relationship would not be that strong to begin with.

In the case of the OP I think it's too easy to say that the wife is in the wrong, but to answer the OP i feel she ought to not reply and put the ball in her friend's court- it's his marriage after all. and he is the only one who knows what he wants or needs to do.

purpleduck - how do you know she was a 'total cow' if you didn't meet her?

Mitford
She was (is?) a cow because she is very rude to my sister (they all live in the same town) - the only way they "know" each other is through my ex, so I assume she is mean to my sister because she is MY sister.

Also, ex's family have given ALOT of examples.

I have no issue with her - I AM respecting her feelings though...