Would you give up a dear friend because their partner hates you?

[fridgemonkey]

I'll keep it as brief as I can, but a bit of background will put it in context.

I have a friend, who was also my first love. We were together as teenagers, through uni, and into the first couple of years of adult life (living together). There was animosity when we broke up (on both sides) but we worked through it and became friends. Real friends, with no added benefits. He is one of the good guys and I love him dearly; he is part of my history.

We both, obviously, went on to other relationships and he is now married with a small daughter, and I am with my man and we have a young son.

Here's the point. His wife hates me - she has made that very clear. I've met her a couple of times, including her wedding, she has refused my friendship overtures and acts as though I am dirt on her shoe. She dislikes that we are in sporadic contact. We don't live in the same city, so maybe meet up a few times a year for dinner (which she is also invited to, and always refuses), and maybe email each other once every couple of months, (I use their joint email address, so she can see exactly what I've written). Really, we're not in each other pockets at all.

She emailed me yesterday (without his knowledge, as far as I know) and said that she wants me to stop seeing/talking to Andy because it makes her uncomfortable, and that if I don't, it will confirm her suspicions about me. WTF??

I can't tell Andy, because he'll go mental, but I don't want to give in to her, because frankly, I think she's nuts. I also dontt see why I should be dictated about who I can and can't see. So what would you do? Ignore her? Or do what she says? Because I am unable to see a sensible way out of this.

just adding that I agree about needing to make Andy aware that you know his wife is not happy about you - and as you don't want to upset either of them, you'll back off till they sort it out. IMO you don't need to get too dramatic about this or have a detailed conversation.

You could add that it's always a strain having small children - perhaps it will be easier on everyone when your respective children are a bit older (have you ever tried to meet as families with your children btw?)

Emails are a quagmire. Don't put anything in writing, certainly don't attach other people's emails and show them to third and even fourth parties. That would totally wind her up and I think probably justifiably so. I would be very upset if people forwarded a clearly private email to other people as an attachment. It would feel hostile and point-scoring to me.
I wouldn't reply, but I might call my friend to say, 'I seem to have upset your wife'. Mind you, if this sort of thing started happening, I'd probably just not make any further contact at all, and I'd only mention it if he called or emailed me. I'd find it excruciatingly difficult.
Have you invited them as a couple to your house, or do you only see him alone? As others have said, you don't really know the dynamics of his marriage, how and if he talks about you (or worse, refuses to) or even if he has been faithful to her. She may have good reasons to be mistrustful, you just don't know.

I have just read the OP again- and wonder...
WHY would Andy go mental if he knew? is it because he puts you before her in his affections? Have they got issues already?
Is it because he thinks she is insecure and this would only confirm it?

My other question is- what has triggered this?
Something must have. I can see that for some women, keeping in touch with your first real love on a regular basis could be hard to handle.

Are you both being honest that there really is nothing in it now? and if so, you might have to accept that it stays as a xmas card relationship now so that his marriage stays intact.

There is a lot we don't know and you have only given us the barest of details.

Actually, OP, I wouldn't worry too much. He will get fed up of her whining, paranoia and self-obsession after a while and you will get your mate back - this has happened to me with male friends a few times (friend hooks up with bunny-boiling twat, disappears because BBT doesn't like him even breathing the same air as any female between 8 and 80, friend gets sick of BBT and reappears slightly sheepishly on social scene).

The thing is you don't know what he's telling his wife. He might talk and behave in a way that makes her jealousy more reasonable. Men sometimes like to hint that they're God's gift to women and could have anyone they like.
You could email her and say there is really nothing for her to worry about. You are blissfully happy etc and you are sorry that she feels uncomfortable. And tell your husband of course. I think I'd do something like that.

I recall solidly going to see a friend for 5 whole years in the sure and certain knowledge that her other half hated me. The feeling was mutual. We did as you did, managed dinners, lunches etc without any interference from other halves.

Since then she thanked me for it. She had only two longstanding friends who stayed with her through that relationship. He hated all her friends and tried to make her lose them. I'm glad I stayed around. Sometimes it's worth the hassle. You decide.

fridgemonkey, there's a similar thread in relationships but from the wife's point of view. Interesting to see it from the other side.

It was something like - dh wants me to meet his ex - so dealt with this sort of thing from her perspective.

I'll try to link to it if I find it or if someone else can?

Fridge monkey, i do think that you do need to see it from her point of view, you were each others first love..a very powerful relationship, there is most prob a little spark there..she is prob aware of a chemistry of some sort between you

you say you are happily married etc, and you only meet andy occassionally, but she is obviously uncomfortable about it, and i can see her pov. I really think you should respect her wishes and back off, it.. is not just a simple friendhip, it is about two first loves meeting up. there is bound to be shared history there.

Maybe you are confiedent enough for you dh to meet past loves and exes, but not all women are .

"I was furious as I had known him by then for over 15 years and she had known him for about 15 weeks".

This bothers me slightly. Not said by OP, so possibly not relevant in this case. But, I think that it's wrong to expect your friendship with an ex to be more important to him than his marriage, regardless of the timescales involved.
Just because you got their first doesn't mean he is yours.

dragonbutter- that was me,as you know.

I still stand by what I said. I was annoyed, like OP, because i was being told by his then GF what I could and could not do. NOT by HIM.
She was making a choice for him.

I was angry because her jealousy was mis-placed. We went back years and there was genuinely nothing but being friends in it.

She had a lot of baggage and felt threatened by anyone from his past. They have now been married 15 years- we still keep in occasional touch and if she answers the phone when I call, she is now fine about it.

What I resented was that she was not his wife at the time she said this- she was his GF and had just moved in with him. If HE had told me not to call, fair enough, but he wasn't even aware that she had said that to me.
If you read the rest of that post you will see that we had to curtail our friendship to the level of Xmas cards, to keep her happy- that was HIS decision and I respected that.

I think madamez post sums it up

Gosh some people are their own worst enemies.

I'm not sure what I would do in this situation. Tell my dh and perhaps as someone has already said say 'er I seem to have upset your wife' to friend. But ultimately like most people, have enough going on in my own life without getting dragged into other people's problems so I'd probably just leave the ball in his court and tell him I'd love to see him when it's possible for him to do so without incurring bunny boiler wrath.

As someone else said earlier it is possible he's having an affair (so wife isn't a bunny boiler); just with someone else and that's when it starts to get messy.

I get that. I understand that when the timescales are short like 15 weeks then no, a new relationship should not take precedent over old friendships. And i also agree that the wife is handling this very badly and should not have emailed her at all.
My point was that if ex's continue to feel some sort of hold on their ex-partner because they've known them longer then that is a dangerous situation.(i see this was not the case for you, i'm thinking hypothetically).
It's the childhood sweetheart/first love thing. It doesn't make it a more important relationship than their current one.

madamez - what a comfort it must be to your 'mates' to have someone as all-knowing as yourself to fall back on when their relationships break down should their partner dare to display any 'negative' emotion. After all, why work at a relationship acknowledging that past life experiences shape our current personas and that growing and changing is what life is all about and who needs friends that will support you in that process and give your relationship a fighting chance. At least they'll have you to 'socialise' with hey.

Sheesh - talk about nasty and judgemental.

Wot tigermoth said is excellent.

Pheebe, people who insist on a partner dumping friends, or do the whiny passive agressive thing till the partner ends the friendship to get some peace (and then the whiny new partner finds something or someone else to whine about)... These people get dumped. And deservedly. And people who get dumped time and time again over issues with their partner's friends will go on getting dumped till they grow up.

I think you may be talking about extreme case madamez, most people have/accumulate some insecurities/jealousies and these can seap out into current relationships. The point I'm trying to make is that it can be worth trying to get past these and make a relationship work rather than just dismissing anyone who doesn't live up to an unrealistic ideal of perfection.

My DH saw something in me worth fighting for. I displayed many of the emotions you so easily dismissed early in our relationship for very good reasons based on my own past experiences I won;t go into here. He could of walked away, he didn't we now have a fabulous relationship, he knows me inside out and vice versa and we have brought 2 beautiful children into the world. All in all a success I think.

I tend to give people a chance and see beneath the surface rather than judge and dismiss.

Frigemonkey - I would ( and have!) withdraw gracefully. She feels threatened by your relationship with him, so respect that. You may feel very powerful but let it go. I have had several very good friends who were ex boyfriends, and their wives who came along later always hated me. But I understood why and faded away. Some get friendly agian after the divoroce, but that is another story! He needs to concentrate on his relationship with his wife now - if hse had wanted tobe firends with you and your Dh, then fine, DH & I best friends are one of his ex-girlfriends and her husband, but she and I had to be friends - would not have worked if she & I had not got on.

No Dittany: jealous people shouldn't be pandered to, because it only makes them worse. People who are going to cheat will do so no matter what (and may even justify it to themselves by saying they are sick of their partner's jealousy). people who are not going to cheat will get sick of snooping whining partners and move on. Jealousy is the jealous person's problem and no one else's.
And just because a person's feeling are hurt, or are strong, doesn't make them right, nor does it mean they should have more rights than other people.

as I said, nasty and judgemental, how disappointing

madamez- do you think that you always seem to want to have the "right" answer?

I don't know whether you play devil's advocate with your posts ?

People who whine and are jealous don't always get dumped- my ex did not dump his then GF and now wife because she moaned about me - no, he pulled up the drawbridge on our friendship instead. So your theory doesn't work in all cases!

Maybe your post shows more about how YOU feel towards people who are jealous, than about the reality of the situation for the OP? Maybe you dump people who are possessive etc?

I agree that jealousy is hard to control for either the person suffering from it or the person on the receiving end of it. But to say that jealous people get dumped is crazy - they often don't.

There's been a lot of vitriol directed at the 'wife' in question here, and nobody even knows half the story - bandying around terms like psycho, bunnyboiler etc. is really unhelpful.

Why not just leave the couple in question to sort things out between them? And get on with your life.