Sister helping with good intentions, when is it over stepping boundaries?

[OMGStopmoaning]

My sister has always been the sort of person to be the first to jump in if there's a family emergency. She has a good heart and everyone knows she's always the first to help.

But she often helps without being asked...

Examples - my ds5 is severely Autistic and she called SS as I had been refused respite.
Eventually we were offered a family support worker. On the day the FSW was due to visit, my younger ds woke up with tonsillitis so I had to rearrange the meet up.
My sister didn't speak to me for 2 months as she said she tried to help but I didn't accept it.

Another example, she called my older ds school and spoke to headteacher and shared that she thought my exdh (dh at the time) was Autistic. Hes not but even if he was, it wasn't appropriate for her to call my ds school. The headteacher told her she couldn't talk about my family.

She stopped talking to me for 13 months when, in conversation she said she prayed for my Autistic ds and I replied, thanks but please don't.

Over the years theres loads of little incidents but I always think she's coming from a good place but even if it is , is it acceptable?

At one time she didn't speak to me for 18 months because of something I said, I did apologise as it was a thoughless thing to say but she wouldn't accept it.
We never made up but our DP got sick so started to communicate as it was necessary at the time.

If I say anything, she sees it as I'm being unreasonable and critising her.

So how do I know if I should just accept shes trying to help or shes over stepping boundaries?

I’m not sure she comes from a good place tbh.
Even if that’s what she believes it doesn’t matter.

In my opinion your sister is massively overstepping and I would view her as a potential risk factor in my life.

Your sister also would not have to stop talking to me as I would keep my distance totally.

Your sister called SS on you

She sounds very concerned

I think the issue is your sister seems to regularly stops talking to you for long periods if you don't do what she thinks you should.

No your examples are not acceptable - great that she wants to advocate for you, but I don't see it as well-intentioned actually. If it was there would be more dialogue with you beforehand and you wouldn't get the silent treatment for saying no.

She seems to spend most of the time not talking to you for huge swathes of time

I would say she's definitely overstepping by contacting SS and the school without your permission! Whether its coming from a good place or not, it's intrusive. She sounds as though she's generally oversensitive if she's always stopping talking to you over this. I'm afraid if I were you, I'd be very firm and tell her when she's overstepped the mark and if she doesn't like it, that's tough. If she chooses not to talk to you, I'd leave her to it.

She sounds very hard work and like she has poor communication skills if her answer to everything is to not speak to you. DS's ASD will probably have been inherited from one side of the family or the other though.

I would take her silence as a win tbh...

Your sister is definitely Not coming from a good place. People who always think ‘they know best’ and act like this are toxic.

I do!!
I keep her at as much of a distance as possible.

We only communicate through the family WhatsApp group.

But most of the time you aren’t communicating at all as she’s blocked you presumably?

Grey rock. Stop giving her info about your family.

She doesn't have a good heart. This is coming from a toxic place, she's trying to control you and your family and using institutions like social services and schools to do so. She's gossiping and telling your son's school lies. She's calling social services on you. She goes silent for long periods to punish you. The silent treatment is an abusive technique used for manipulation.

She's been way out of her lane for a long time, it sounds like. You had better open your eyes, she's manipulative and controlling and that never comes from a good place.

She has blocked me in the past.
Due to the family WhatsApp group she can't block me now. It was set up as our DF has care needs.

I just don't know if I should just stop moaning and appreciate the help.

If I say anything, she says I'm ungrateful and she was trying to help me.

I know your right.

My own DC haven't seen her in a couple of years.

I had peace when she stopped talking to me. Recent events have forced us to communicate andcits incredibly stressful.

Reading your response madecme realise why I feel so stressed about her.

I may be well out of line and overstretching here, but could she be recognising particular traits in herself that are shared with your son and that might be why she's overstepping boundaries, not reading social cues and struggles with managing conflict?

I say this someone whose family and inlaws are chock full of relatives with "quirks"

Take the silence as a win!

Sistrers saying doibg it 4 themselves

I think she's more likely to have ADHD then being Autistic.

She doesn't present with any of the usual Autistic traits women present with.

I'm not sure it matters what her intentions are. Her actions are making your life worse not better, and when you tell her that this isn't what you need she then throws a tantrum and ignores you. This isn't the support you need, and you already have enough on your plate. Definitely grey rock - give her as little information as possible about your life.

This is bizarre

this person is regularly blocking you

this person is regularly going NC with you for hugely extended periods

it looks like she’s not very keen on having a relationship with you

i have a feeling she’s just very concerned for the children

I don't think that her interfering comes from a good place. She doesn't consult you and just acts unilaterally. She is a meddling busy body and know-it-all and is doing it purely for a sense self-satisfaction.

If she was a genuinely good and kind person she wouldn't keep sending you to Coventry when her performative gestures don't turn out as expected.

I don't. I think she's a meddler who doesn't know when to keep her nose out. I also think that all the blocking and refusing to talk to the OP is a stonewalling tactic she's using to 'punish' the OP. The sister sounds pretty toxic to me.

She hasn't seen, spoken or had any contact with my DC in over 2 years.

I visit my niece, send gifts for her birthday and Christmas.

My older dc and dn are in their 20s so no need to go through me if she wants to make contact.

Bollocks she is really concerned for the children.If you were really concerned about some children and their mother cancelled an appointment with children’s services at the last minute would you stop speaking to their mother for 2 months as a result? Because if you were genuinely concerned wouldn’t that action make you even more concerned and so determined to keep in the kids’ lives and thus try and ensure that they were safe?

She is just a nosy busybody who thinks she knows everything and a childish sucker when her Oh So Important views are not treated with appropriate reverence.

If my sibling rang ss or my children's school behind my back id be absolutely furious and id be the one cutting them off. That is not trying to help at all.

Try phoning her employer and telling them you are concerned for your sister's wellbeing. See how she likes it.

She sounds like a meddling shit stirring narcissist fuck to be honest and please stop mentioning adhd and autism because we do not behave like nasty fucks. Seriously she is deranged ringing ss etc on you and ringing your kids school... baffling they even listened to her. Shes undermining you at every turn to make herself feel superior. You need to tell her NOTHING about your life not good things certainly not bad things and keep your kids miles away from this toxic cow.