Sister helping with good intentions, when is it over stepping boundaries?

[OMGStopmoaning]

My sister has always been the sort of person to be the first to jump in if there's a family emergency. She has a good heart and everyone knows she's always the first to help.

But she often helps without being asked...

Examples - my ds5 is severely Autistic and she called SS as I had been refused respite.
Eventually we were offered a family support worker. On the day the FSW was due to visit, my younger ds woke up with tonsillitis so I had to rearrange the meet up.
My sister didn't speak to me for 2 months as she said she tried to help but I didn't accept it.

Another example, she called my older ds school and spoke to headteacher and shared that she thought my exdh (dh at the time) was Autistic. Hes not but even if he was, it wasn't appropriate for her to call my ds school. The headteacher told her she couldn't talk about my family.

She stopped talking to me for 13 months when, in conversation she said she prayed for my Autistic ds and I replied, thanks but please don't.

Over the years theres loads of little incidents but I always think she's coming from a good place but even if it is , is it acceptable?

At one time she didn't speak to me for 18 months because of something I said, I did apologise as it was a thoughless thing to say but she wouldn't accept it.
We never made up but our DP got sick so started to communicate as it was necessary at the time.

If I say anything, she sees it as I'm being unreasonable and critising her.

So how do I know if I should just accept shes trying to help or shes over stepping boundaries?

I think that's massively overstepping and inappropriate and not convinced its coming from a kind place, quite the opposite.

The first paragraph in your opening post doesn't really fit in with what you've described later OP.

'She has a good heart' I don't think so.

That's not boundaries, its controlling behaviour. She obviously thinks you and your ex are very bad parents. I assume thats not true, because if it really was true, she would be doing a lot more to protect your dc. Instead shes just shit stirring and attempting to get you in trouble. Her behaviour is also irrational - your ex being autistic or not is completely irrelevant to how your child is treated at school.

I didn't 'keep mentioning' Autism and ADHD.

I responded to one question regarding the suggestion she could be Autistic.

@OMGStopmoaning i meant posters in general sorry not just you. Still stand by what I said anyway. She is inserting herself into your life instead of living her own life because she is miserable in herself and this is NOT coming from a good place in her.

Definitely overstepping, and somewhat controlling.

She certainty shouldn't be ringing ss or school on your behalf unless you have agreed to it.

I would be very cautious about telling her anything as she is clearly meddlesome!

I think its toxic behaviour as she's not asking you if this would be helpful or offering any support herself. Its like she is trying to cause problems for you but falsely claiming she's being kind trying to get you "support". She's clearly either massively judging your parenting or jealous / resentful in some way and getting a power kick from this behaviour. She is not a kind sister.

Does she have her own family or any kind of fulfilling life of her own? Sounds like she doesn’t and she’s trying to insert herself into yours because she’s got nothing going on in her own. Maybe she’s jealous of what you have. As other PPs have said it doesn’t sound well intentioned. She sounds like a total control freak. I’d have a conversation with her where you set out your boundaries clearly - which sounds like will result in her stopping speaking to you, which might be for the best because she clearly causes problems in your life

She has a dh and adult dc.
Shes definitely not jealous of me.

She has a very good and well paid job, lovely home, numerous holidays every year.

I, on the other hand am a full-time carer to ds, single parent and live in a council house.
We literally are chalk and cheese!

Yeah she's very controlling but I always viewed that as a sign of her stress and anxiety.

Now I feel like even if thats the case, I need to keep as much distance ftom her as possible.

But I often doubt myself and started to wonder if I was unreasonable or ungrateful.

Now I feel like even if thats the case, I need to keep as much distance ftom her as possible

you shouldn’t have too much trouble op given she choose to go NC with YOU most of the time

Hmmm

She sounds very overbearing. You don't need to be grateful in any way.

Even if this is coming from a good place like she believes there is lots of disability support available and there's a magic money tree funding it, which I don't believe it is, people like this are normally on a power trip / believe themselves superior but lack empathy, her behaviour is causing harm to your family so I would severely limit what you tell her / contact. I would also make very clear to her you don't want her reporting your family to school or SS and if you want her help you'll ask for it.

She sounds utterly fucking unbearable to me, and frankly, if she phoned your child’s school to speculate about his father being autistic, she’s also mad as a lorry. That’s strange, obsessive behaviour - and also a bit thick, as I think anyone with half a brain would know that a school can’t just have a chat with them about other people’s kids and that the question of whether a child’s father is autistic or not isn’t for the school to manage anyway.

She didn't call SS 'on' her, she called them because they refused respite. It doesn't sound like the sister is very concerned, SS isn't just for reporting safeguarding concerns.

Probably 3 times in the last 10 years so not especially.

I have never gone no or low contact with her (or anyone).

I realise reading my own thread, I always respond to her. I've never ignored her.
Equally I have never asked her for anything, ever.

Everything is on her terms.

I don't have the capacity or energy to think too much as my day to day life is very full on, it only reslised this today.

To be honest, I think your description of you sister is very generous. You say she has a "good heart" and yet she has stopped speaking to you for lengthy periods for the most ridiculous reasons.

There must be a reason why you feel the need to describe her character in such a positive way when I would imagine most people reading about her interfering behaviour would think she is one hell of a nightmare.

I think you should try to discover why you feel it necessary to see your sister in such glowing terms and to put up with such bad behaviour from her. Is she a younger or older sister? As a child did she suffer from physical or mental illness, and did your parents make allowances for her erratic or disruptive behaviour -and expect you to do likewise? Even if there are reasons for her baffling - and, I think, rather dangerous - interventions, perhaps it is for the best that there are long periods of "not speaking".

I’m sorry but she sounds more like a passive-aggressive control freak than someone who means well. She seems happy to force her stupid religious views on you but didn’t speak to you for over a year when you asked her not to? That’s bonkers.

She might be your sister and her role in your life ends there. She is no one to you to behave the way she does. Is she actually mentally ok???

She reminds me of a mature woman I met last year in a catholic church. She said she works with SEN kids but her words describing SEN people were humiliating. She had extended relative to whom she was next of kin and she described her relatives as someone who has got something but is not diagnosed. Like really, what ...someone has something really means.....

She also tried to make a horrible gossip about a younger woman's child without never been told the true story of what is actually going on - pretending she is helping. Same people, the religious people are the most vile

It stops being nice if when you dont respond the way she wants she stops speaking to you. Thats not kind

My sister's mad too. Get her out of your life, she won't improve.

Thanks for replying.

Your response really made me think about why and how I view my sister.

I think i just took on what my parents abd wider family have always said about her.

No illness as a child. She was the naughty rebellious one. I have another younger sister and we were always quiet and did as we were told to.

My older sister and I rarely see each now. I used to want to 'make up' but I dont anymore.

When i started thinking about how she's behaved over the years, I have to admit she's actually not very nice. Shes always changing jobs and falls out with people all the time.

I tend to think most people are coming from a good place and she probably thinks she is too.

At the end of the day, I don't have
to have a relationship with her and I choose not to anymore.