My mum is draining

[Doggydogdogs]

I’m on edge all the time reading her mood, trying to think if I’ve upset her, checking my behaviour to make sure I’ve not done something wrong. And knowing that when she starts being ‘off’ with me I can start dreading a fall out that is probably on the way.

Other times she is positive, loving, on the surface from anyone looking in she is a supportive and loving mum. If I brought this up with her she would say she loves me and just wants us to be close and she doesn’t know why we’re not.

I’m jealous when I see posts about women being close with their mums, and they just seem at ease with their mums. I don’t know if I’ve pushed her away and caused the problems by being selfish and difficult. How do I know.

Let me guess, if a fallout does happen she gives you the silent treatment?

I think you have insecure ambivalent attachment

Yes for a while, or she will be really short with me. Then if I don’t do enough to fix it, there will be a dramatic discussion which will usually be her telling me how upset she is. She’s never aware of how she may have contributed to the situation. Then I feel guilty and stressed and spend days trying to work out if I’ve been horrible or not.

I told her about a year ago I felt like this, and she said she never wants me to feel guilty. So I’m left wondering if I’m just making a drama in my own head. Or if she’s not aware of how her actions may impact me. Or if she’s doing it on purpose.
when I was a child she would stonewall a lot. She says it isn’t stonewalling it’s taking time to process her feelings.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I definitely had inconsistent parenting. I’m not sure I meet the other criteria? Can I ask why you think that?

That constant threat of pulling the rug from under you. It’s a very effective way of keeping you doing what she wants you to do. You never know where you are and immediately start to think you’re the one doing something wrong. It takes a lot of stepping back and seeing it for what it is and this is almost definitely a situation where therapy can help you understand it and give you tools to deal with it. She knows what she’s doing and knows exactly how far to push it with you. That’s what’s leading to your confused feelings. You’re being played like a fiddle.

Yes I think it’s meant to be a punishment for rejecting her. She says it’s not.

I’ve been trying to put boundaries in but I’m spending all my time still worrying if I’m being unfair or unreasonable. I obviously don’t want to be horrible to my own mother. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?

I think it’s how inconsistent she is that’s throwing me, sometimes she’s really genuinely there for me. A lot of times really. And she says lots of nice things most of the time. I feel like we just swing between love and pride and support, to coldness.

She is exhibiting abusive behaviour towards you. Constantly wrong-footing you, making you worry about what's going to upset her next, making you feel responsible for her mood swings and then telling you she doesn't want you to feel guilty, giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling as a punishment - all these are what abusers do. It is all deliberate. She is choosing to behave like this. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can also be emotional/psychological.

She has got you doubting yourself over everything, and sometimes you probably feel like you are going crazy. It's not you. It's her.

Step back and stop engaging with it.

Its not you, it’s your mother. She’s the toxic and selfish one here, not you. She has not been tying herself up in knots over how she has treated you. No, she has given you no such consideration and indeed you are the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. Women like this are truly not worth bothering about and I would suggest you get some therapy re your mother. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. She is indeed playing you like a fiddle here and you need to drop the rope she holds out to you. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Where is your dad?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

She will slso ignore any boundary you care to set do I would start reducing all future interactions down to zero sum. Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Probably not so do not tolerate this any longer from
your manipulative mother.

"I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?"

Stop trying to get back in to her good books when she punishes you for something she deems is unworthy. I'm assuming you're a grown adult over the age of anything that needs Mother's Approval so stop giving a crap about achieving that.

Silent treatment? Great, let her stew in her own juices. Don't go trying to 'make things right again'. She says her silent treatment is just her taking time to process her feelings? Give her time. Let her get in touch with you and throw that right back at her when she says/complains/wallows in self pity that she's not heard from you for a while or that you been distant, or whatever.

It's a her problem, not a you problem.

I agree with everything @Absolutelydonewithit says.

Dad is not around, never has been

I suppose I’m not perfect and I’m always thinking of how I might have contributed to the problem, like I would with any relationship in my life
so it feels difficult to now sit back and say ok I didn’t act perfectly there but it doesn’t matter, im not going to take any ownership or responsibility and I’m just going to leave her to stew

I think also if I’m honest I worry she will say something that gives a different perspective and make me realise I was being horrible all along, and I’m worried when she dies I will have to live with that. She’s never said that to me though

its never occurred to me that she might be abusive rather than just dysfunctional

Some of this does sound quite complicated op BUT on the whole I would say even those people you are envying for their close relationships with their mums will have things in the relationship that they stub their toe on every so often.

Close relationships do bring with them unhelpful aspects too: an openness that means people feel able to show their "off-duty" side or "non-drawing-room" feelings, and it also comes with a sufficient knowledge of the other to be able to push their buttons. These things do play a role in every close relationship to some extent.

It's hard to tell from online posts if there is more than that going on, but please don't imagine other people have pristine relationships that never have a "wince" moment. Everything needs light and shade.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.
This really hit me.

i think i feel sorry for her too, even if it’s her fault. Her mother was far worse, she’s done amazing by comparison and I know she worked hard at that. Maybe her own childhood was too much too overcome and that’s sad

And that's another thing op: we don't become perfect people just because we gave birth - even if we would love to be.

Come out of the FOG dude.

When she starts her crap, reduce contact to a minimum. Stop this cycle that gives her her dopamine fix.

Enjoy the peace and let her come to you. Yes it'll be bumpy at first. You might get a health crisis and a few flying monkeys but hold firm.

The less you put up with it, the less she'll pull the stunts.

What you've put up with all you life is emotional abuse.

"I suppose I’m not perfect "

Nobody's perfect. The difference here is, your mum seems to be playing on that insecurity then claiming she 'didn't mean it like that' or that you 'misunderstood'. There is no point tying yourself in knots trying to right a not wrong.

In some ways, it's part of growing up.. letting go of the apron strings and feeling confident enough in yourself to get by in life without stressing over, what is your perception of, her moods. You won't change her because she doesn't see she's the one causing you the distress, as in, if she didn't behave the way she does, you wouldn't feel the way you do. You can't expect her to change but you can change how you react/deal with it (your own emotional outlook).

"Her mother was far worse,....Maybe her own childhood was too much too overcome "

So she's repeating history instead of learning from it.

In fairness she hasn’t repeated it, my childhood was nothing like hers. Perhaps that’s why she can’t see the problem.

Thanks this is helpful
all these comments are helpful
I’m normally very self assured, I hadn’t even realised that instead of constantly questioning myself, I should be able to step back and be confident and self assured with her like I am in other areas of my life

She sounds similar to my mum, who had a traumatic childhood and has (imo) narcissistic tendencies. I had to put up strong boundaries to stop her from controlling me. I also noticed that I was drawn to friendships with women who were insecure and controlling. Not any more! I had a lot of therapy and it helped me hugely. Good luck to you.

I think it’s how inconsistent she is that’s throwing me, sometimes she’s really genuinely there for me. A lot of times really. And she says lots of nice things most of the time. I feel like we just swing between love and pride and support, to coldness.

She may not be doing it deliberately but that's the way a lot of abusers operate. If they were permanently abusive you might walk away from them and then they wouldn't get their 'fix' of abusing you. It's the classic way of keeping you there for the good bits so that when the bad bits come you - as you do - question yourself and assume that something you have done or said is what's upset them and made them react like that. And if you think it's you not them, you're not going to walk, are you? You're going to try to make it better by apologising, or walking on eggshells not to upset them in the first place.

Your mother may not be the worst ever abuser but she's following their pattern. It keeps you under her control.

Yes I don’t think she’s trying to be abusive or consciously trying to be controlling
Maybe I’m naive but I think she wants to be nice, but then she feels rejected or insecure and lashes out. I don’t think it’s about abusing me, I think it’s about her trying not to get hurt. And she hasn’t thought about my feelings in the process. I think she really genuinely believes she tries her best and that should be good enough. I’m not excusing it or saying that makes it ok. But I do think intent is important too.

its never occurred to me that she might be abusive rather than just dysfunctional

@Doggydogdogs I dare say it is possible for her to be both. One thing you need to bear in mind is that through much of this, you were a child. You would have been conditioned to accept all this as normal behaviour from her, and that would have had a considerable influence on you. That is not your fault.

Has anyone mentioned FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)? Maybe look that up and see if anything resonates with you.