Husband problems

[bunny85]

Hi everyone. Just after some perspective really as feeling confused, I don't know if I have a reason to be upset or not?

So we have been married for 15 years and have two kids 10 and 6. He works full time 6 days a week and I work 3 days a week. He goes to the pub after work around 3 times a week and comes homes anywhere between 9 and 11pm.

While he's there I do the dinner, homework, bedtime etc. Get everything ready for school and all the school and general admit.

When he's at home, he does help somewhat. He does the bins, sometimes does the dishwasher, bathes the kids sometimes, bedtimes and wakes up at night to them (often). He also gets them ready to school in the mornings and does the school drop off. He doesn't cook, clean (we have a cleaner) or do any washing.

AIBU?

Seems like a decent split with the kids and house I think what's missing is your social life which maybe creating resentment and 3 x a week for that long is probably a bit excessive tbh

He needs to be home more in the evenings.

I don't know how to make him. No matter what I say he doesn't change

Then he's a good dad but not a good husband ? What are your hobbies and interests and do you have friends ?

Around 3 times?
This doesnt sound like a healthy relationship with alcohol. Do you think he has an issue there?

Well, without knowing his working hours or length of commute it is difficult to ascertain If he is unreasonable returning home late, though I would say that three days per week in he pub is too many (when he has other responsibilities to attend to).

Now, you cannot make him come home, but you can tell him you will stop doing chores on his behalf if he does not report for child duty. He can fix his own meals and laundry for a start.

To be honest, it sounds like he has one cleaner and one housekeeper!

He drinks at home too when he's not in the pub. Never gets drunk or anything but has a pint or a whiskey or something like that

Well, that changes everything. Drinking alcohol habitually, even if not binging or dependence, is problematic.

Encourage him to cut his drinking back, and, if he refuses to engage, you have a decision to make.

Ah he shouldn’t be having a drink every night. it doesn’t matter if it’s only 1 or 2 , it’s a bad example to be setting Infront of the kids to be honest OP..
Going to pub 3 nights a week is a bit much to be fair ..
He does pull his weight but still ..
Like he is drinking too much , was this always the way it was with him ?

No it started recently

Oh that’s not good ..
Is he down & out do you think ?
Just strange it’s only a recent thing , is everything ok at work for him , are you guys getting on ok ?

No he's been under a huge amount of stress for the last one or two years, don't know if it's to do with that. Maybe that's his way of dealing with it. He's not a bad guy overall

He always enjoyed a pint but never like this

He doesn’t sound like a bad guy op from what you said in your first post ..
I think you need to sit down & talk to him ..
If he has been very stressed regarding work past 1/2 years , it’s bound to take it’s toll ..
Working 6 days is a lot ..
Can you guys afford for him to cut down to 5 which is full time anyway..x

From what you describe, your husband is spiraling into alcoholism.

You need to protect your children from him.

Hm is the biggest issue that he’s out the house or that hes drinking?

Do you get time for evenings out etc?

I think the biggest issue that he's out of the house

From the outside I’d say the bigger issue is the drinking and the path he seems to be on with daily drinking. If that was fixed, he wouldn’t be out of the house.

I understand this my own husband who is now semi retired at 70 had a very demanding job. However when he arrived home from work he would spend time with our 2 children He would help them with homework and bathe them and put them to bed and read them a story. He wanted to contribute and was a great father and still is to them and our grandchildren. I would tell him you want more help and that you don’t like him going to the pub 3 times a week. I think once a week at the pub is enough imho.

Is there a reason the kids at that age are up in the night? I mean 6 days a week is a lot of work personally I wouldn't have a problem with 3 nights a week only because you are saying he does pull his weight the other ones however my hubby will never go out on the nights he knows I'm at work all day. We have 4 under 4 plus older and teenagers and we take turns going out while the kids are young but same for me very good hubby aswell

Sorry, but what is the issue?

The older one is scared to sleep alone and now sleeps in the same bed with my husband. The little one gets up sometimes but less often, it's mainly the older one gets bad dreams etc. I blame Harry Potter books

I think it’s an issue if my husband went to pub 3 nights a week, & drank at home each of the other nights especially given this is a recent thing ..
I think the posts on here that think it’s perfect once he pulls his weight at home are from a selfish perspective , once he’s still helping at home , who cares attitude !!!!
If It were my husband i would be worried about him .
He sounds like a nice , good man ..

Your 10 year old is scared to sleep alone and he sleeps with your husband? So if he's not back from the pub until 11 pm does your son stay up waiting for him? That would definitely concern me as its far too late for your son's bedtime. Time to get some rules in place for your husband l feel.
Drinking every night is bad news. Do you drive OP? if not and there's a emergency he'd be over the limit or if he was needed to look after kids he'd presumably be incapacitated by alcohol. I'd be worried.

No of course not. I put him to sleep in their big bed and then once my husband is back he'll go to sleep later which he always to bed much later anyway. It's just that if our son wakes up at night he likes one of us to be there or he gets scared