Worried sick about my sister’s relationship – don’t know what to do

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Hi all, NC for this.

My sister has been seeing a guy for 3 years and I only found out a few months ago. We’re incredibly close and tell each other everything, so I was shocked she’d kept him a secret, but I tried to just be happy for her.

More and more has come out recently and I’m really worried. He hides his phone down the side of the couch when she’s around, goes on long “work trips” for days at a time, and whenever they fall out he seems to run straight back to his wife. I’m almost certain he’s still married – I found who I’m sure is the wife on Facebook and she’s still using his surname. I don’t think she knows about my sister. My sister told me he told her not to ever look her up online and that she would beat her up if she goes to the house. He won’t let my sister go on trips with him when he goes back to his home to collect his belongings either. He dropped her off in the city centre alone one night and didnt come back for hours.

The worst part is how he treats my sister. He’s been belittling her, making her cry constantly, and this morning she told me he grabbed her. I feel sick even typing that. I didn’t realise things had escalated this far. I have told her my opinion on things but she keeps thinking it will get better.

She’s not herself anymore. She’s in tears most days and now he’s telling her she’s not allowed to speak to me, see her friends, or even go to her favourite shops. It’s like he’s trying to cut her off from everyone.

I’m so concerned, but I don’t want to betray her trust. At the same time I’m terrified for her. I was thinking about calling the police to ask about Clare’s Law, just so I can at least know if he has a history.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this, so posting here. I just don’t know what to do. She’s phoned the police a couple of times now when things escalated.

Gosh I’m sorry, I didn’t want to read and run.

I’m not sure of the rules around Claire’s law can family members do it to? I definitely think it would be good to know.

You both need some support. I hope she can get out of this.

Thank you so much! I just had to post somewhere because I’m so concerned tonight after what she’s told me! She’s really confided in me but her safety is so important too

This is horrifying, I am so sorry to hear it, you must be so sick with worry. Would she speak to a third party - if she's not able to see for herself how awful this situation is and if the police visits aren't enough of a wake-up call, would she commit to a telephone conversation with Women's Aid so that they could make her see that his behaviour is abusive? Do they live together?

I was thinking this. She told me tonight that she googled domestic abusive behaviour and she said the way he’s been really matches up to it. Her friends have stopped talking to her because they have told her to leave him, but she said he’s charming one day then snaps the next. I feel so bad and keep worrying about her safety, he moved in with her recently but he takes off now and again, I think to his “ex wife”. She’s stopped doing so many things she enjoys :(

I would be asking her what she would do if your roles were reversed and it was you in this relationship, would she want you to stay with this guy or run as far away from him as possible? Try and get her to see it from an objective point of view as it can be very difficult to see what everyone else sees in your sister's position, but maybe she will realise if she imagines it's you being treated so badly.

You can request information via Clare's Law as a concerned relative so definitely go ahead and do that, I would be doing everything possible to get my sister to see this guy for what he is in your shoes tbh.

My approach is a bit different.
She knows he's abusive, which means she also knows she should leave him.

You can't force this, and nor should you - however much you want to.

You need to do your best to ensure her partner doesn't see you as a threat.

In your shoes I would do the research, find the solutions, to help her leave safely so that when she's ready you can give her the answers. It's important that she feels in control of the process because she's losing so much control in her life and it takes bravery to leave.

Every step of leaving can be scary and there can be confused loyalties, fears of what will happen if she ends things, if she reports things...She may not want him to get into trouble. Or she might want to just move on and forget.

Some things you can do...

(1) Look at escape planning advice on both refuge and women's aid.
(2) Look into the process for getting a non molestation order with powers or arrest attached (which will mean he can be arrested if he breaks it).

These can feel daunting for the victim. Some tips - she can stop the process at any time, she should request her new address & contact number aren't on the order, any time she has a worry or fear about it she should ask the legal team about it. Eg. She might be worried how he'll react when he finds out about it, but often abusers back off because they acknowledge what they've done when it's written down.

(3) come up with a codeword for her to let you know when she's in trouble (and needs 999) or is ready to escape so that she can talk to you safely around him
(4) provide a secret mobile phone that she has access to with an easy to remember pin. You could disguise this as your work phone (and won't you be so relieved when she finds it!) just in case he comes across it
(5) offer to keep safe important documents and sentimally important possessions
(6) help her come up with an escape plan
(7) reassure her that what she does is up to her, if she chooses to leave, when she chooses to leave, how she chooses to leave

Continue to support and not judge if she leaves and then goes back to him. Most victims of domestic abuse take more than one attempt to leave successfully.

It can be tricky to keep him onside, let him believe you're not a threat, while bolstering her at the same time but it is a line that it's possible to walk and if you can get the balance right then you're less likely to get cut off.

Also reassure her that even if she does stop speaking to you and years we're to go by, you'd be there for her when she needs you. Often women end up isolated having lost their friends & family through the abuse and then feel they can't reach out when they're finally ready to leave. Let her know she always can.

Some useful websites:
https://refuge.org.uk/
https://womensaid.org.uk/
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

Good luck and don't lose hope

Why did she let him move in with her?

This is so so helpful thank you so much. Its so awful what’s been happening :(

The only problem with the approach Mousse suggested is if she feels under pressure she might just back off, tell him what you were doing and then he'll have more ammo to use to keep you away.
there was a thread on here when something similar happened between two friends with the "rescuer" friend arranging for the fleeing friend to rent a house off a relative, the fleeing friend just backed out completely and stayed with him. I'll see if I can find it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5309603-to-have-cut-off-my-friend-who-stayed-in-an-abusive-marriage?page=1

Presumably as he’s a manipulative perpetrator and she’s a victim of abuse?

Thank you so much for this I’m going to have a read through!

Do you think I should reach out to his “ex wife” or just sit on things. On Fb she’s still going by married name but I don’t think she knows that he’s got this other life. I don’t want to intrude either though. I just know if my husband was doing this I’d want to know!

Make a formal complaint at the Police Station local to your sister's home. Having it on record could be helpful if your sister applies for a protection order. The Police could offer some hints and phone numbers.

Help sister leave if she reaches a sound decision.
Hope and pray that she realises her position. Keep contact with her. Reason with her about the disrespect he shows her.
It's good that sister is communicating with you.

Invite the boyfriend over for family functions. Let him know that she is well loved and supported and let her see how weird he is in normal company.

Hire a private detective and have them provide photographic evidence for your sister to see .. and for you to leave in wife's letterbox if that is deemed the best thing.

These perpetrators are both evil and charismatic; don't let him win.

I wouldn't. If he's as manipulative and dangerous as you suspect then it'll just come back on your sister. Or make things very bad for the wife. I doubt he's kinder to her.

If the relationship has been hidden for 3 years it's probably because your sister has known from the start that he's married.

I think your sister knows full well that he’s either married still or has an ongoing entanglement at minimum- she needs to just get rid, he’s a bad lot

She might keep the married name if they have kids together and she wants to have the same surname as them.

My sister said a few days ago too that he was saying to her that his ex wife is abusive. He is definitely gaslighting her

Under Clare's Law, you have the right to:

Make an application to the police requesting information about your current or ex-partner, because you are worried they may have been abusive in the past and believe they may pose a risk to you in futurer.

Request information from the police about the current or ex-partner of a close friend, neighbour or family member, because you are concerned that they might be at risk of domestic abuse in future.

I was wondering if they have kids, he talks to a guy every day, on the phone too but out of sight of my sister and won’t let her talk to this person but says he’s going to see him next week… she’s not allowed to go with him. It’s all so weird to me. I thought it was the wife but she insists it’s the friend.

He sounds dodgy as fuck seriously. Walter Mitty type, best avoided although hindsight...

I’m going to give them a call. Would they disclose to him though that I’ve enquired about it? So worried about that!

Honestly so true. I asked her if she ever googled him and she said no. I did a google and I found someone with a very very close name, same location, same age, 5 years ago assaulted a woman. It’s just the name isn’t 100% but it’s very close. I feel it’s him but I could be wrong. The name is a unusual one too.

Well anyone can change name or spelling of their name. He really does sound very suspicious.

They wont disclose that it's you that has applied. He won't be told about the application either, but they will ask if you are worried about him finding out and the reasons for this so please be honest at this point. If there are any concerns, they will look to speak to your sister directly, and alone and disclose whatever information they deem necessary in order for her to safeguard herself.

Lots of great advice already.
This is a very worrying situation but take heart that your sister has reached out to you. Support, listen and be there for her. Don't push her into making any decisions, she needs to reach these for herself and you don't want the boyfriend to have any excuse to see you as any more if a threat than he will already see you to be (as the sister....)
I escaped an abusive relationship......