Worried sick about my sister’s relationship – don’t know what to do

[YourLoudSnail]

Hi all, NC for this.

My sister has been seeing a guy for 3 years and I only found out a few months ago. We’re incredibly close and tell each other everything, so I was shocked she’d kept him a secret, but I tried to just be happy for her.

More and more has come out recently and I’m really worried. He hides his phone down the side of the couch when she’s around, goes on long “work trips” for days at a time, and whenever they fall out he seems to run straight back to his wife. I’m almost certain he’s still married – I found who I’m sure is the wife on Facebook and she’s still using his surname. I don’t think she knows about my sister. My sister told me he told her not to ever look her up online and that she would beat her up if she goes to the house. He won’t let my sister go on trips with him when he goes back to his home to collect his belongings either. He dropped her off in the city centre alone one night and didnt come back for hours.

The worst part is how he treats my sister. He’s been belittling her, making her cry constantly, and this morning she told me he grabbed her. I feel sick even typing that. I didn’t realise things had escalated this far. I have told her my opinion on things but she keeps thinking it will get better.

She’s not herself anymore. She’s in tears most days and now he’s telling her she’s not allowed to speak to me, see her friends, or even go to her favourite shops. It’s like he’s trying to cut her off from everyone.

I’m so concerned, but I don’t want to betray her trust. At the same time I’m terrified for her. I was thinking about calling the police to ask about Clare’s Law, just so I can at least know if he has a history.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this, so posting here. I just don’t know what to do. She’s phoned the police a couple of times now when things escalated.

This is so horrible, I'm so sorry for your sister and you. Moussemousse has given some great advice. And remember to also talk to her about normal things too once you've got the codewords etc in place so she doesn't feel like every time you speak to her she has to discuss it. Let yourself be the light at the end of the tunnel as well as support on getting through the tunnel when she's ready for it.

The fact your sister has told you about this makes me think that something has changed (either with his actions or her feelings or both) to give her the confidence to tell you about it.

It takes on average 7 times for a victim of domestic violence to leave their abusive partner so it takes patience. Are you able to talk to her friends and educate them a little on this? It's so common for friends and family to get frustrated with the victim for not leaving and stop talking to them, but this only serves to support the perpetrator. Their manipulative abuse is easier when their victims are isolated. The victim is stronger and therefore more likely to leave when they know they have understanding friends and family there for them.

Also remember that a perpetrator of abuse doesn't start by being abusive. They groom the victim with love and kindness, and then slowly shift into actions far more sinister, all the while blaming the victim for their actions. It starts subtly which is why many people don't leave the first moment the perpetrator does something abusive.

It's a process, leading the victim to believe that 'if they just did X' or if they 'stopped being Y' or 'maybe once they leave their stressful job' then he will return to the sweet, loving man he once was. This is why victims stay. It might not seem rational to observers, but to the person that has slowly been worn down, that flicker of hope that it could go back to being good and that the abuse is 'probably partially their fault anyway' it makes sense.

Stick with her, you're an amazing sister for doing so.

No they won't disclose anything to him.

Look up Domestic Abuse Alliance for more information.

Privacy: Applications are confidential. The subject of the enquiry is not told who made the request. Police forces reassure applicants that informatrion is only disclosed to the person at risk or someone in a position to safeguard them.

Also,take a look at Saunders Law whereby the Police will share information under Clare's Law, this should answer some of your questions.

Good luck.

It sounds to me as though she is working up the courage to leave him. Which means that she already knows how bad her situation is. I mean, a man who won't 'allow' a woman to do something is bad news from the off! So she knows. She just needs quiet, gentle support, she needs you there holding her hand whatever she decides. She does not need someone riding in telling her what do do (unless she asks for advice) - she's already got a man telling her what to do and what she must not do.

So I think you sit beside her and offer her support. Not to DO anything specific, just support, for her. She has to make up her own mind and do this for herself, and knowing you are on her side will help her do to it sooner.

I am so sorry about what you went through too! I’m glad you’re out of that now. I can’t imagine how this must have been for you :(
thank you so much, I will definitely continue to be there for her and will listen to her.

Thank you so so much. This is very helpful

Do they live together, is it her house. I guess it's not as simple as changing the locks and calling the police if he comes round. Keep in touch with her so she has support.

That's a fair point and always a risk. The important thing is not too push all of this on her, just be ready to gently provide the information & solutions when she's ready, one step at a time.

It's an overwhelming process and she'll need lots of reassurance whatever she chooses to do, or feels able to do.

I wasn't suggesting that you lay it all out when you next speak to her!

You can do a Claire's law on the behalf of your sister. If there are any disclosures they will not tell you, they will get in touch with your sister.